bold colors

might grow a third eye

2009-03-14T15:04:00.003-05:00

since i've had my babe, and been unable to drink or eat dairy, i've been searching for an alternative. there is nothing worse than having to go almost ALL fall & winter without a coconut latte from zanzibar's, but somehow i survived.

what did happen was i found an alternative. i have been ordering (through the drive-thru of course, all you moms understand) my decaf tall soy mocha from starbucks GASP! for the last several months, almost everytime i leave the house. it is my medicine. it is what makes everything ok in my little world.

but again i have been reminded that if it's too good to be true then there is something wrong. so i looked up soy on the wonderful website full of nutrition information WAPF, and found all i needed to know in order to stay away from my warm, chocolate delights every time i venture out. CRAP!

rocket transfer

2008-09-23T09:25:00.002-05:00

go to: www.rockettransfermusic.com

this is the hubby's newest endeavor that is taking up all of his time...amongst other things.

listen to them all. tell me what you think.

2007-10-24T15:53:00.000-05:00

http://theycallmemrsrichards.blogspot.com

2007-09-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

so i'm married!! mrs. erica rene richards, they call me. well not 'they' really, just j & i and occasionally a family member. they think they're so cleaver.

seattle felt like home but we are glad to be back in the 'real world'. found a coffee joint out there by the name of 'cafe ladro' which was our favorite, and even now i'm finding it hard to locate a coffee house in which the espresso tastes so much like dark chocolate.

we walked and shopped and ate. those are the 3 things we did a lot of, and well, of course one other thing, but not sure my blog is the appropriate place to go into detail. regardless, it was good!! (the walking and shopping & eating of course)

i discovered on our honeymoon that planning my wedding really did change me. i was a different person while organizing that event. and i'm still wondering why that happens. i know it's because it's something that girls think about a lot when they're young, there are so many other people's ideas & feelings involved and of course the $$. 1 thing it did do was strengthen j's & my relationship. so for that reason, i guess i'm thankful for it.

how i noticed this was that during our days in the crisp, bright northwest town of heavenville i was totally relaxed. i was able to think about the things that were going on right then, engage in conversation as it was happening and i was also able to sit in silence, totally content.

i guess i'm not sure what i would recommend to the newly engaged. having a wedding & everyone witnessing such sacred vows is very important to me. but also not giving into the expectation that it has to be a stressful, life-altering time is key. it REALLY does all go so fast. be careful not to lose yourself completely. and definately DO NOT let it come in between you and your spouse. THAT would be the biggest tragedy of all.

so we've got pictures of the shindig, but i've been busy ya'll so you're just gonna have to wait!!

2007-08-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

HELLO HELLO!!

less than 4 weeks till the big day. because i have the most richeous boss in the world, i will have the next 5 weeks off to plan my wedding and enjoy my honeymoon, paid. i know, i cannot believe it either. but i'm taking advantage of it. today i got more done that i have in the last month.

so here's a question for ya'll. is it appropriate to send thank you postcards? my mom & dad designed a monogram for us, that we are using for the wedding & i'm having them printed on our thank yous. here's the problem, i don't have envelopes. so i'll have to buy them & postage and blah, blah blah. and with this purchase, like most, i am forced to ask myself, 'why?'. not why do you send out thank yous, i know that it's the good thing to do and i WANT very badly to say thank you (many people have been very generous) but is it innapropriate to write thank you on a post card? does it need to be placed in a envelope??

i'll also be spending at least 2 afternoons a week at the crack doctor's office aka the chiropractor. strained my back while i was pulling weeds and sawing trees this last month. i had a hunch that i probably shouldn't be too physical too close to the wedding seeing as i need to be in TOP physical condition for my honeymoon ;) pray that my weak backside would heal quickly.

my showers are coming up soon!! YIPPY!! first one is this sunday at church and the next one (the PERSONAL one--vahvahvoom) is on the 18th. YAY!! it's like my birthday but better.

5.5.07

2007-05-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

it's official. we're engaged.

it's weird even now, saying that.

here's how it happened...

we were hanging out saturday over at his apartment. we were unpacking boxes, cleaning, organizing, cooking, all very normal activities.

as dinner was getting closer & closer to being done, he asked me to change into the fancy dress i brought. (i didn't know why i brought it, and when he told me we were staying in, i figured maybe plans had changed)...meanwhile he was acting very much himself. very calm & collected. so we changed (he into my favorite shirt of his) me into a little red dress. we sat down to dinner, had great conversation, nothing out of the ordinary.

then he put on some music and we danced and talked and laughed. after a bit of that, he called his dog chewbacca over to us. j. bent over and attempted to pull off a little black bag from his collar (this i saw earlier & didn't think much of) and after some difficulty, he got the bag off.

..just so you know..even up to this point i was convincing myself it wasn't what i thought it was, just in case. but when he pulled out the little black box, i had a feeling. and when he knelt-down on one knee i knew.

of course i began sobbing and he waited patiently for me to get most of it out. then i sat down on the coffee table so we could be on the same level. we just stared at eachother for a while and then i said, 'you are not doing this...' and he said, 'i haven't said anything yet' like the smartass that he is ;)

and he took the ring out of the box (a peridot, not a diamond, just like i wanted) and put it on my hand, asking, 'erica rene, will you marry me? will you live with me forever?'

and i said yes.

2007-05-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

here she is. lauryn charlotte. i took this the day after she was born while getting her vitals checked. she is so calm and mild-tempered. beautiful dark eyes and huge cheeks. jet black hair. and a snort warning us of her frustration.

2007-04-26T16:48:00.000-05:00

it's been almost 3 weeks and no sugar. i've lost almost 8 pounds.

i had no idea i was so emotionally attached to food. ok, maybe i had a small sense that i was but MY GOODNESS. no bread or sugar or fruit (except granny smith apples) is really depressing when it's dreary outside, i have not had a lot of sleep and i am stressed-out.

for the up side: i feel lighter, my pms was definately close to non-exsistant this month and i crave water and nuts most often. i've started working-out now also, which makes me feel good cuz i wanna be strong.

things with the j. man are going very well. he is moving into his new apartment this weekend. we've been packing all his stuff slowly but surely and i'm realizing two things: 1-he has a lot of stuff 2-we work pretty well as a team. i love to organize & clean and make sense of that which seems impossible to make sense of. he loves to collect things. PERFECT! ;)

speaking of j.-i was driving through the hy-vee parking lot today watching this bald middle-aged man walk to the front doors of the store and i thought to myself 'he reminds me of j.-wonder what he'll look like when he's middle aged.' then my phone rang. as i answered it i looked up into my rear-view mirror and there was crazy j. himself running towards my car.

it's good to see him by surprise.

i will be posting pics of us someday. i promise.

soo...i am an aunt again. lauryn charlotte. she's the coolest lookin' girl i ever did see. i was joking jess and telling her i think she looks too much like my friend chanty, she's the cutest asian-lookin' baby ever. maybe it's her gigantic cheeks...pressing up against her eyes.

i got some sweet shots of her & the fam at the hospital. you'll get to see those too.

2007-03-29T15:20:00.000-05:00

i got me a brand-new (to me) phat daddy, turbo wide-angle, mega sweet digital canon rebel.

just in time for the babykins.

now all i gotta do is figure out (can you tell i'm not a total techie geek) how to get those pictures to the right size so that they fit on this here blogger.

i've got some cute ones of the chewbaccaness and there will be FOR SURE some posts of the new freundl along with the older freundl and the bomb-diggity e-rock.

i love tax returns!

met with a girlfriend today... a newly married one as she was hashin' out her feelings of newlywedness, i remember the thoughts i had while looking at an apartment with j. yesterday.

....wow, this is a great apartment...i can totally see my pictures on the walls...his recording studio back here...his sewing machine set-up here....there's plenty of room for all the pots and pans we need...nice space for a bedroom and over here a cute corner for a dining table......

then....thoughts of future reality struck me....oh my gosh! so marriage means i eventually will live with a BOY! and you mean the SAME BOY FOREVER! which means boxers on the ground, video games in the entertainment cabinet, MAYONAISE in the refridgerator, and with this boy, dog hair. dog hair everywhere....

i was very content to go home to my parent's house after work.

confessions of a control freak

2007-03-09T10:23:00.000-05:00

it's ok. the Lord loves me despite the fact that i don't trust Him most of the time.

charting some frightening territory these days. love and future and trust and contentment and remembering to HAVE FUN!

unfortunately sometimes, being a Christian can be a real drag. that is, if you let the Spirit leave you and all you've got left is a bunch of lousy rules.

i need to go to California and breath some fresh headshop air.

i need to swim in Barton Springs naked.

i need to dress up, drink some cocktails and go dancing (i don't mean fancy dress-up, i mean costume dress-up)

i need to go to wine tastings and introduce myself to strangers.

spring is my favorite time of year, hands down. praise the Heavenly Lord for renewal and refreshment. i am stale and i have reached my expiration date.

i get so damn serious so easily! i chock it up to the fact that for so many years i was a floater and a flake and i came to a point where i said NO MORE! time for responsiblity and maturity!

i need balance.

i have rediscovered that i am crazy.
and i love it.

there was some time there i was insecure about it. then i realized i was getting too much advice from people who didn't appreciate me.

it says something that my soul mate is a short crazy asian woman who speaks Cambodian, Chinese and English and spends her days riding her bike over the Golden Gate Bridge and roaming through the forest.

i need to go see her.

i have limited my relationships lately and what's healing me is watching the snow melt and listening to the birds chirp and hearing the Lord say, 'HEY, today's a new day!'

update on other things:
getting ready to host a doula (labor assistant) training. reading all the time about vaginas and intervention and placentas and breasts and c-sections and homebirths and fenugreek and circumcision and comforting.

i have found my calling.
or at least one of them.
so if any of you out there are still wondering if you could find work that you love, (granted i'm only just now READING about this work) doubt no more!

i also decided that it will be a while before i do another intestinal cleanse. when i'm done all i want to do is eat bad food. cookies and ice cream and frozen pizza. it's that whole spirit of deprivation. me no likey.

my sis is getting ready to have another baby!! our prayer is that she will be able to go on her own, have a vaginal birth and leave the hospital ASAP. i think this new life & the priveledge i get of being her Doula (unofficially) is going to fill me up to overflowing.

be prepared to get splashed.

2007-02-20T14:48:00.000-05:00

marriage is weird.

at least most of the goofy stuff leading-up to it. and weddings...forget about 'em. if i had my way, i would elope.

no worries, friends, i'm not engaged yet, but it's coming. and it is exciting.

NOT THE WEDDING BUT THE MARRIAGE.

i have a friend right now who is not even engaged & she is picking out bridesmaid dresses, putting together her guest list and making her invitations.

i'm sorry, but i think this is lame.

i know some really great people who planned ahead for their weddings, before engagement, for ease. i can understand this ONE reason.

it's depressing to me that so many people get caught-up in the theatrics of the big day. it reminds me all too much of 'keeping up with the jones'

but hey, they probably think i'm crazy that i want to have my special day in my friend's backyard & have a potluck.

honest truth: i don't want to have to think about any of it. if i could hire someone to put it all together, i would. is the wedding for the couple or everyone else that comes and witnesses the big day? j. & i are still trying to figure out a healthy balance.

home alone

2007-01-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

well not really alone, but with my mom & dad.
my mom & i have had the luxury to just sit around and chat over good food & wine, dark-chocolate chunk brownies, ice cream and chocolate macadamia coffee.

and people pay big bucks for someone else to come up with this for them.

j. is playing music at a private party tonight. making good money & probably having a blast doing so. i never used to want him to have fun while he was away from me. i'm a little bit more secure in our relationship these days.

i realized lastnight that i have lost my voice.

not my audible voice, but the voice of my heart. and all because i've been afraid. found myself wanting to impress, AGAIN, those that i liked a lot. maybe this year is the year i REALLY learn that who God has made me, what i think, and my experiences are really worth something. just like theirs are.

j. saw pictures of me with boys of the past. he admitted feeling a bit jealous. i understand this feeling. and i do wish that we could have known eachother back then. we could have started younger helping him feel comfortable in crowds and helping me finish a book.

we'll just have to play catch-up.

looking through old pictures i realize how much i and what i find important, has changed. i really used to love the big group thing. now it drains me. i used to really love 'having fun' rather than connecting. i used to think it was better to have more friends rather than good friends.

simultaneously i always knew there was something wrong.

it just wasn't ME.

now i tend to be a bit closed-off, weary of all the social gatherings that once seemed so appealing. i find ways to get out of obligations. chatting with women who won't go deep is the biggest annoyance to me.

looking at pictures of high school & college makes me thankful and reminds me that i like me now more than ever (partly due to getting rid of lame people in my life)

ps-if you have lame friends it's ok to say goodbye.

my loves

2006-12-15T19:56:00.000-05:00

in heaven i will eat french silk pie and never get sick.

look at this: www.myspace.com/jemstate
scroll down and watch the video clip

my man is the hairy, handsome one.

2006-12-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

this morning i woke-up the intense desire to pray and read the word.

it happens just like that.

jesus just said, 'it's been a while, i miss you. let's talk.'

he is the best thing i can think of.
he is the best thing.

not even the stories or the disciplines or the music that is generated from the thought of him, or the good deeds that are the fruit of knowing him.

he is the best thing.
he is the only one who has and always will know me.

he knows i need quiet time. he knows i have to be reminded of his love to be reassured that really, truly, everything works for those who love the lord.

not 'works out' in the sense that i will experience no pain. but my soul is secure.
and there isn't any better security.

i've been spending a lot of time with my man j. lately. he is truly special. a heart that bursts with gratefulness and compassion.

but he is not jesus. never will be.
he is the best.
he will always remain my best love.

some may think that i was an extrovert, gaining my energy from those around me.
but i realize again that i am a true introvert. getting my energy from the times where i am alone, in thought, journaling, praying, meditating.

i've neglected this part of me lately. didn't think it was that important. i know better now.

i hear continual stories of how marriages fall-apart. how people are unsatisfied. it's the scariest thing in the world. i don't want to get into something that will just corrode.

but i realize this morning that this is the life. he is the life. nothing else. ever.

and everything else comes up out of it.

2006-11-22T19:11:00.000-05:00

after work yesterday i went over to my boyfriend's apartment.
earlier in the day we had another 'discussion' about our future, our feelings..which we are getting very good at.
i think that i am p.m.sing currently which makes these talks a bit more heated.
at least on my part (he's so collected;)
but i'm a thinker, he says he loves this about me. well good, i say, cuz it's here to stay.
and i'm a question asker. supposedly he's cool with that too.
so anyway, after the discussion, as i start closing the door to my car, saying goodbye, he says, 'what is it you need?' this is after i admitted i didn't feel well for several reasons.
'do you want me to draw you a bath and pour you a glass of wine for when you get home?'
yes, i pouted.

so it's 7:15 and i drive up to his apartment, glancing up at the bathroom window to see if there were any lights on...any boy running water. i didn't see anything.
and as i walked up the stairs i told myself i could not be angry if he didn't do it, didn't have time, possibly forgot.
so i knocked on the door & he answered. he had a glass of wine in his hand, and i silently pointed at it.
he made me immediately put my purse and jacket down and led me by the hand into my own personal spa.
through the green curtain which would later cover the doorway was an old-fashioned bathtub full to the brim with bubbles. candles dimmly lit the small room and my own glass of ravenswood cabernet savignon rested near the tub.

i've never felt more spoiled in my life.

i thanked him & hugged and kissed him and then he left. left me to unwind and de-stress. it was sweet to have the time to think my own thoughts and at the same time know he was just right there-whenever i wanted him.

so i soaked and sipped, and he put on leonard cohen...

2006-10-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

i'm at the end of the second week at my new job working as an admin. assistant for a midwife in town. her name is carey. she has stories that you would not believe. and most of them are told over tea in the kitchen, which is here in the clinic. an old 4 story house in the enchanting part of des moines.

her knowlege is endless and her experience surpasses it, and she's funny. she loves children & she lets them dress her up. she listens to them like real people.

yesterday she did not sleep because 2 of her clients were in labor at the same time. one here in the birthing center. one was transferred to the hospital. how she managed and manuvered is something truely spectacular.

the woman who birthed here had to drive from ocseola while her contractions were 10 minutes apart. the other womans, a first time mom, water broke almost 72 hours before she had the baby. fortunately she was spared c-section but carey believes it's accupuncture that saved her. NO SLEEP WHILE IN LABOR FOR 72 HOURS. even carey was amazed.

so i'm watching & asking questions. and i could do that probably for another 5 years before i would even begin to scrape the surface.

birth is scary sometimes. i cannot imagine being in a hospital for it. but i understand some people don't have the choice.

having rough times with the boyfriend these days. it's sad, but as much as he wants to be ready, it seems as though something is holding him back. and it's starting to wear on my heart. so i'm gonna start dating jesus again. i miss him a lot right now. and i see that my relationship has kept me from pursuing my most important love. and the deal is, it's not j.'s fault. it's mine. but i have to shift gears. i have to pull-back & redirect myself.

had white chicken chili & 3 cornbread muffins for lunch & now i have to poop. THANKS DIGESTIVE ENZYMES!

2006-09-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

i strongly dislike myspace.

sorry adriel & heather & all those people that i like who have one.

it gives me a creepy feeling inside when i go to www.myspace.com

i have a 'space' that i created a long time ago in order to spy on other people's spaces (i was a paranoid stalker of a few people about a year ago)

but i'm over it & now it gives me the willies.

it gives me the willies like the same willies i get when i think about playing spin-the-bottle in the middle of the bike path at 3 in the morning when i was 16. slimy tounges and hands briefly placed where they never should be. cold, damp air making my nose run & my socks wet.

i just wanted to go back to courtney's and sleep soundly & warmly in her parent's gazeebo, wrapped in my sleeping bag, with the screen & glass door shut. listening to the crickets.

but it was 'fun', 'adventurous'...and there was a deep part of me that did want to see boys (they were cute for 16) while bundled in my hooded sweatshirt under the moonlight, embracing. and then at the slightest flash of headlights or sounds of strange feet restling, get the hell out of dodge. it made me feel alive.

myspace briefly made me feel young again, like i was doing something different and 'cool'. letting people know who i really was by listing all my favorite bands and posting 'candid' photos of myself.

but just like that feeling wore off & i resolved to stay home or stay back with the few non-participants, warm and soundly sleeping in the hard-floored gazeebo, i have resolved to say 'no' to myspace.

2006-08-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

i see now what has kept me writing so little these past months is that i haven't really been sure what to say. haven't really been sure what to think. what is up from down, right from left.

regardless, there is a peace. and it's pretty much the only thing i'm holding onto.

i saw a good friend get married lastnight. that's always a lot of fun. i'm such a girl. i have always loved weddings. even the times i would go with my friends to their family friends' weddings. i didn't have a clue who the bride and groom were but inevitably, when they pronounced them 'man and wife' i'd cry every time. it really is a cool thing to see two people become one.

i have noticed, though, that i'm becoming less and less excited about the receptions. they all seem kinda crazy and somewhat the same. still trying to decide what my special day will look like. i'm pretty sure 'low stress' sums it up. but i don't find myself planning it in my head. that would psych me out a bit too much.

i'm loving working at campbell's more...i'm the official cleaning lady for all four locations. i can't stand dusty shelves. um...don't ask about my own dust in my own apartment, though. did you know that 90% of the dust in your house is shed skin???

i'm going to have a chocolate peanut butter malt tonight. i've been craving one for a week.

j. and i just talked about me making a list of what i like to do. he's better at sharing those things than i am. i usually just go with the flow and then after four months of very rarely getting to do the things that i enjoy with the person that i love, i start to forget about myself. he's helping that to not happen. really...we're very different from one another. and he has a very dominant personality. sometimes it's great & super attractive. sometimes it makes me feel like i'm not there.

all you readers out there, you are FUNNY! i just remembered all your comments about my honesty. i laugh. you ain't heard nothin. my mentor, connie always is just blown away by it. and what's funny (and i'm very thankful for) is the clan that i learned this from-(not honesty for shock value, but just honesty for the sake of it) blow me out of the water when it comes to speaking their truth. THEY WANTED TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO HEAR IT. my most dear friends are the ones who can do this. not because they have anything really profound to share or whatever, but just vulnerability. because i do think everyone thinks really original thoughts but they are so afraid to discover this because it takes the risk of 'well maybe i don't have anything interesting to share'...

i don't give a crap if it's interesting. i spent too many years surrounding myself with people who were trying so damn hard to be interesting, their recycled ideas about buried me alive. all their speculations and grand ideas about how to create world peace & feed all the starving children. it's all a bunch of crap. (sorry, maybe i spent too many years in the sociology classroom)

just tell me what's on your heart. and cut the crap. (i'm sick of that too) don't hide it in cynicism or metaphors. (i know you're trying to cover something up)

ok now for the loving part of my message: you are a stunning creation. what you think and feel is interesting. i'm sorry you've been shut-down by the crappy things of this world. but there is a safe place. you can be honest. you can be vulnerable. you can be heard. maybe not fully understood, but don't strive for that.

2006-08-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

this post is for keri-i'm sorry i'm such a bad friend. i miss the heck out of you.

it's weird these days, i find myself unsure of what to say, so i appologize that i have been out of contact with the world. i miss my little blog community.

being in a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 weeks is something absolutely brand-new and sometimes frightening to me. i think i've told you all of this before, but most days i feel like running. it takes all the faith i have to stay. because i do love him. but it's just not easy all the time, like so many people say it is.

i've been scared to admit it hasn't been easy. i've been scared to admit that i have doubts. but this is no different. i've always been scared or had doubts for one reason or another. so then i start to worry if it's really me. (i have no disillusions that it's at least partly me) but what if i'm really screwed-up? or what if *gasp* it's not right?

j & i are very good friends. we enjoy a lot of the same things. we have similar senses of humor. we both love the Lord. we both love to be creative. we both really love family and want our future families (or family) to have the same characteristics. he & my dad really connect on a creative level. he & my mom on a heart level (of course, this is tami we're talking about) i really connect with most all of his family, first his father and then his brother-in-law (wazzzup a-dawg)and of course now his sister. (i'm pretty sure she's my soulmate)

marriage still excites and scares me. and i feel like there is something 'off' lately. there is a fear factor that is keeping me from getting too excited about a future with j. i mean, in my brain i think it would be a great thing, but something isn't there in my heart. and this scares me cuz i love him a ton. have for a long time. so i'm thinking maybe it's protection for now (cuz he's not ready for the big 'm') this lack of hastiness keeping me focused a day-at-a-time.

anyhoo-finishing up my summer class (KILLER!!) and off to work my butt off for a while. i've been reminded recently that debt is actually something the bible warns us against and somthing we should stay away from for our own good. do you feel that debt is morally wrong? some people believe it is. i'm starting to feel the ramifications. BUT-(praise the Lord) if we believe Him, that He provides for us, if i set out on this goal to rid myself of this baggage, He will bless me with resources. this is about all i know. and having recently been back in the world of school, i see how easy it is for me to keep barrowing & barrowing. not only burying myself but also my future & any spouses or family along the way.

peace out!
e

2006-07-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

His grace said to me," Look, look at my face. Let's be in communion together. Let me erase all those lies you are owning as truths. Let me put fire in your veins and a pep in your step and purity in your thoughts and love in your heart and remind you of what i want you to be."

a friend of mine wrote this in her blog the other day. she's one of those refreshing types, never trying too hard but unafraid to be present, say things that may make others feel uncomfortable. i hate thinking about what others are thinking about.

i took chewy, the dog i am currently sitting, for a walk through the neighborhood this morning. training him to walk beside me and not mark on every single bush and tree along the way. i think both my shoulders are slowly being ripped apart.

so many neighbors with over-flowing gardens, dainty fences and cool, comforting porches. there is this one house i passed, maybe 800 or 900 square feet (tiny) and surrounded by flowers and fountains and fencing. i got just a tiny bit jealous. i want to wake up and drink coffee on their porch and have people over for dinner, having wine and candles and conversation outside.

worked on my 'dream book' yesterday. j. came and met me, we conjured-up ideas for an entertainment center (or what he called an endertaynment center) a puzzle-piece rug and cupboard doors & windows that would open like the iris of an eye. i love the way his mind works.

mmmm 70 degree days. today is one of them. i will spend it mostly outside.

2006-06-21T13:50:00.000-05:00

today i finally filed my tax return. bring on the cashola!

i am the luckiest girl in the world. i never thought i'd be the one to be in a relationship with someone who REALLY understands he can't be everything for me. he can't 'fix it'. jeremy's reliance on God's comfort and strength for me is hands-down the most attractive thing about him.

we are still trying our best to keep our focus on getting to know eachother & not making-out all the time. i have to tell you, because i am an affecionate person, it's the hardest thing i'll ever do...but it's what i've always wanted. i've always had a deep-rooted fear of being loved for all the wrong reasons. all those lies fade when he and i are able to sit in the coffee shop, talk about distilling and underground homes, music and designs for t-shirts. he is my best friend. we laugh a lot (when i'm not freaking out).

he is the funniest person i know.
his heart for the lost and broken beats hard and fast & it wells-up in his eyes, always when i least expect it.
he reminds me of the things that really matter.
he has the mind of Christ-he has a sense of the truth & loves all the time.
he desires to do good.
he loves his family deeply and unconditionally.
he has a gift for discerning light from dark.
he is a natural warrior-knows there is something worth fighting for.

we met a homeless man lastnight, named les. j. started asking him questions about himself, rather than throwing money at him or ignoring him. turns out les is a paranoid schizophrenic. les has a family, children, grandchildren, that he never sees. he's too embarrassed. les takes meds for his disorder but they leave him shaking and unable to work until about 6pm every day. so he goes and collects cans and bottles...whatever he can find. les doesn't drink or do drugs. he was the most kind man. he had bright eyes. dirty from digging in dumpsters. les needs $6 a day to pay for a place at bethel mission. he refuses to beg for his money. les saw j.'s tatoo and once he figured it out, he told us he was a christian. i just sat there, slowly becoming filled with grief and helplessness. i wanted to ask him if we could pray with him. i always get so nervous. i believed the lie that it wouldn't make a difference. les, after about 15 minutes of talking with us, started to experience a fit of paranoia and needed to leave. j. gave him all he had in his wallet. as he walked away, i turned to j. and without any words, started to cry. he held me, there in the beer garden outside of the royal mile and prayed for les. he interceded on his behalf. he asked for reconciliation and for healing for his body. he and i cried for the life this man lives.

i told him there is nothing more beautiful to me than a man who knows his own strength and calls on the Lord for His. this is an eternal gift. no money or good intention will heal anyone's life. only the Spirit of the Living God. i felt it following les as j. offered all he had.

had a bit of a panic attack the other day, due to money, of course. but then i asked for peace and it was given to me. i woke-up happy which hasn't happened for months. believe that He gives you peace. He wants to.

i don't know much of anything anymore. it makes me take a step, a day at a time. i love being suprised on a daily basis. Lord, i confess my need to control. YOU DO IT BETTER. thank you for doing your thing despite me & holding onto me tightly during it all.

my favorite things right now:
1-holding j.'s hand
2-natalie's grunt when she's walking..how she laughs at herself
3-the way catherine humms before she kisses you. (she's a great kisser)
4-erich's brown skin
5-the siestas my neighbors have outside our apartment. spanish music, corona and conversation
6-kombucha
7-the breeze that blows through my kitchen around 8:30 every night

2006-06-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

hello!!!

i'm alive.
and well.

i miss you guys! things are good here in the land of sweaty nights (not what you're thinking, you sickos--i have no air conditioning) and unbearable allergies.

started class again. organic chem. is it wrong to say that i love it & it's fascinating? will i lose any friends? i think i'm a science geek underneath it all. i wish i would have spent less time in high school & college drinking & chasing after boys...maybe i would have found this out earlier. i also think that maybe i wasn't supposed to discover this till later in life. looking back, though, i always did best on ITBS (puke) in the math & science. go figure.

i want to study biochemistry.
the body's chemistry facinates me. now let's see if it can keep my attention long enough to get through this semester. one day at a time.

the man is good. again---everyday is completely new & different. and the days i don't let God show me how to love him i suck at it & i get needy & selfish & insecure. i really like us when He's in His right place. He tells me truths willingly if i will take just a second to ask him for them. DANG. how do people do this relationship stuff without Him?

j. and i are not kissing for a whole month. it's already brought out all sorts of emotions and fears and ugly things in me. amazing cuz he's the one who suggested it. i hope that we get some time to pray through this...we've been busy. and i've been scared to bring it up. but i know that we both have a lot of healing to get through for it to be the best.

almost everyday i want to quit at this relationship thing. (cuz i get scared) and truthfully i could, but i hear the Lord saying, 'i still have more to teach you. you are too accustomed to quitting. let's try accepting you can't do it without me.' and then it's really beautiful.

i went to his place for breakfast this morning. made us eggs and brought coffee from zanzibar's (we're trying to save money--$2.35 for ONE EGG!!) we sat on the back porch. him in a lawn chair, me in a dinning room chair. 70ish degrees out. he is the cutest in the morning. we talked of log cabins and bunions and his sister's relationship that is getting increasingly more serious. he has a lot of wisdom to offer in the area of hastiness in relationships. i'm glad he cares enough about her to tell her what he thinks.

i'm just now really listening to Coldplay's X&Y. i know. i'm way behind. it's ok. but what i really wanna hear is some elvis--the old stuff. before he was a druggy (if there was ever a time).

2006-05-22T11:26:00.000-05:00

so...i'm just gonna say today, that i'm amazed.

it is true that if we pray about something it is more effective than nagging or even suggesting.

i see God working on a DAILY BASIS in the heart/life of the 'special someone' in my life. (more on that later...with pictures)

he is one of my best friends (don't think we haven't been through tough stuff) and we've now been given the chance to know eachother more intimately.

it's not at all what i expected.

i always thought that i loved adventure, the unknown.

i had no idea He was going to give me that in a relationship.

but just when i start to figure him/us/myself out, God does something. to remind me that this is a faith walk...one that i feel blind on, mostly.

makes me go back to the core truths that are unchanging. things he taught me while i was in the waiting. things about how love is not about 'getting what i deserve' but serving. that there is a supernatural working-out of getting what it is we need by not focusing on it.

everything is changing.

at least in me...and each morning i wake-up a bit scared and a bit excited. cuz i feel like i'm always on the brink of something.

2006-05-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

i'm in a total funk tonight.
i feel like my confidence is being tested.
for so long i've just been 'confident'...well-liked...

but i'm starting to think that it's been a show.
it's been easy all these years cuz i've surrounded myself with people that agree with me. (at least my friends)
what the hell do you do when you find yourself falling in love with someone who will call you out?
someone who isn't fooled by the grin and nod?

i say & most of the time believe that a healthy lifestyle is good.
i am addicted to mcdonalds ice cream cones and kettle chips.

i say i love to workout & feel my body get strong.
i have not worked-out in over a month & i'm determined (today) to find a way to delay it even longer.

i say i want to know the Word.
i have a great oppurtunity to do so with good friends of mine & i continue to put it off.

i say that i value communication and listening skills.
i have the hardest time hearing people out & being misunderstood.

I CANNOT RUN AWAY FROM IT WITH HIM & IT FREAKS ME OUT.
(he has no idea) but i'm forced to shut my mouth and DO the things i have always talked about.

i'll let you know how it goes.

2006-05-17T13:15:00.000-05:00

'For the land, into which you are entering to possess it, is not like the land of Egypt from which you came, where you used to sow your seed and water it with your foot like a vegetable garden.

But the land into which you are about to cross to possess it, a land of hills and valleys, drinks water from the rain of heaven,
a land for which the LORD your God cares; the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it, from the beginning even to the end of the year.'
deuteronomy 11:10

'the lie that you are believing is that you have to fight for your love'

there is no love like His love. i choose to let Him love me.

i don't have to fight anymore.

2006-04-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

so i'm now officially 'out on my own'. (not really-no one is an island)
and sometimes it's quite lonely, sometimes it's really exciting. i like that i have my own bathroom off my bedroom (no worries of inappropriateness).

i cried a bit the other night cuz my roommate wasn't home when i got home.
i don't like returning to an empty apartment more times than not.
but i called my best friend in california. she always knows exactly what to say to make it better. and a lot of the time it's not what i thought i needed. she's coming to see me in may--i plan to parade her around.

had some good food & beer & nice conversation lastnight at 'el bait shop'. bazaar name but a tremendous selection of beer (my own indecisive nightmare) 'UUHH..I'LL TAKE ONE OF EACH!'

been spending time lately with a friend whose defenses are coming down. he smiles and laughs more. makes me want to hug him. he listens and asks questions. he chooses to be good to people. i'm finding it easier to rest in our friendship. i really didn't think that prayer and unconditional love were as powerful as i know them to be now. (his true self is being revealed)

i'm so thankful for my sister adriel and my dad today. they're both so different from me--and sometimes we don't get eachother, but i feel like them in my life has filled me with confidence & appreciation for our differences. and there is this gentleness that they've always used with me. loving me despite my eccentric ways & my naive arrogance. they're 2 of the smartest people i know and both so patient.

i think i want to spend my honeymoon in san francisco. for the food alone.
if you have not had dim sum late sunday morning you have not lived.
(my husband will get it)

then you called out

2006-04-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

Psalm 107 (some of it)

1Oh, thank GOD-he's so good! His love never runs out.

2All of you set free by GOD, tell the world!

Tell how he freed you from oppression,

3Then rounded you up from all over the place,

from the four winds, from the seven seas.

4Some of you wandered for years in the desert,

looking but not finding a good place to live,

5Half-starved and parched with thirst,

staggering and stumbling, on the brink of exhaustion.

6Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to GOD.

He got you out in the nick of time;

7He put your feet on a wonderful road

that took you straight to a good place to live.

8So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.

9He poured great draughts of water down parched throats;

the starved and hungry got plenty to eat.

10Some of you were locked in a dark cell,

cruelly confined behind bars,

11Punished for defying God's Word,

for turning your back on the High God's counsel--

12A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy,

and not a soul in sight to help.

13Then you called out to GOD in your desperate condition;

he got you out in the nick of time.

14He led you out of your dark, dark cell,

broke open the jail and led you out.

15So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;

16He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors,

he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks!

17Some of you were sick because you'd lived a bad life,

your bodies feeling the effects of your sin;

18You couldn't stand the sight of food,

so miserable you thought you'd be better off dead.

19Then you called out to GOD in your desperate condition;

he got you out in the nick of time.

20He spoke the word that healed you,

that pulled you back from the brink of death.

21So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;

22Offer thanksgiving sacrifices,

tell the world what he's done--sing it out!

2006-04-13T12:54:00.000-05:00

hello:

can any of you offer me some wisdom on what you know about 'being baptised in the Holy Spirit?'

i think i know what it means, and that i've experienced it, but i feel like i could be missing something big. i'd love to hear your stories.

~i'm off to do my research.

erica

2006-04-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

dear bigbro:
you had better post soon.

dear keri:
i miss you & am praying that your finals go smoothly & as painless as possible.

dear angie:
i am so thrilled to hear you are going to be back in the states soon. i'm so proud to call you a friend.

dear chanty:
waaazup!?! get your booty here. now.

dear wade:
you are a great guy. i mean, like really rare.

dear matt:
i never thought you'd do it-but congratulations. i hope for good love for you.

dear jake:
i hope you & your soulmate are doing well. i better be getting a wedding invite soon.

dear adriel:
thanks for all your support. i'm so thankful that i not only love but like my older sister.

dear christine:
your friendship will be the reason i have an extremely healthy marriage.

dear kerry:
i am thrilled beyond definition for your future.

dear garrett:
thank you for starting a ministry that changes people lives.

dear julia:
i miss you & hope your little incubating one is doing well.

dear rachelle:
your honesty, soul and fearlessness presses me towards the undefinable which is our Savior.

dear jeremy:
your impressions are the best. i have so much fun with the kid in you.

dear heas:
you showed-up at the most perfect time. you are my reminder that my God provides not only my physical needs, but my soul needs.

dear b:
your children are beautiful & i'm so thrilled you get to create & be a mommy.

dear spencer:
i hope that you are doing well. i think of you & remember your laugh. it's an amazing one.

dear danny:
you still blow me away with how you are genuinely interested in other's lives.

dear paige:
i miss you & your children.

dear erin:
i think of you often. your gentlness & genuiness allowed me to rest when i was otherwise restless.

dear jason:
your passion for the light while wearing all black, and your ability to rock while worshiping still allows me to set my standards high.

dear tom:
you, your heart for the Lord changed me. thank you for your devotion.

dear brandy:
your simplicity and kindness allows me to be fully myself. i don't have conversations with many the way i do with you-and you are really funny.

dear jessica:
i love your sense of humor & your honesty. and how you like to do the same things as me. (you're hot)

2006-04-05T09:11:00.000-05:00

today feels really good. fresh, green, a new start.
i'm so thankful for spring-it gives me an excuse to take crap to goodwill & start things over.
i'm moving people! in with a friend...to my most favorite neighborhood in des moines.
i'm looking forward to my front room, facing east-lots of windows.
also my antique bathtub & nook that i think i may turn into a prayer closet.

i haven't been focusing on His face lately. so distracted.
had 3 beautiful women pray for my heart lastnight.
HOW COULD I MAKE IT WITHOUT THESE PEOPLE?
i would probably just be really depressed & forgetful of my inheritance--the covenant.
did you know a covenant only is enacted after the one who makes it dies?
Jesus, there is so much more of you to know.

yesterday i felt the weight of spending money.
funny how i always thought it was so liberating.

I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO RIDE MY BIKE TO ZANZIBAR'S FOR COFFEE
(to all non-locals: the best coffee shop in dsm)

praise the Lord i am getting through chemistry.
give me this day my daily bread.
give me this day all the brains i need to understand this foreign language.
give me this day all the patience i need for the difficult ones.
give me this day all the love i can bear so that i don't strive for it.
give me this day all the beauty You can offer so i don't forget your glory.
give me this day all the time i need to listen to & chat with You.
give me this day all the trust i need so i don't start forging my own path.
give me this day all the confidence i need so that i see You in me.

2006-04-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

dark nights
closed doors
eyes piercing
legs entwined
hearts thumping
lips and necks
hands and chests
passion & panting

and when i look back
all i can muster
is i'm sorry
for the distance
for the secrets
and what's more
true
is that in the midst
of my pleasure
there you were
loving and begging
me to just look up
and see your face
and your tears

because you missed me
and you knew
that later i would
see
and i would weep
for my passion for you
and for him
and my tears

not for the temptation
or the wrong
not for the separation
or the scars
but for the love

2006-03-27T12:49:00.000-05:00

i'm so thankful for my family.

i think sometimes i really take them all for granted.
spent some time with them all sporadically yesterday & this weekend.
what i had forgotten was how totally free they all are.
free to be exactly who they are at that very moment.
emotions, struggles, excitement, fear, vulnerability.
our home has always been a place of refuge. a place of rest.
a place where i knew, from the first days i could remember, that i could ME-and that i would be heard & loved.
i've always had a shoulder to cry on, someone to take a nap with.

everything & anything has always been up for discussion.
we listen to eachother, allow eachother to challenge our thinking. they're gracious & patient.
they share in my excitement. they share in my confusion. they pray for me. they laugh with me.
my family can laugh...that deep, inaudible, crying, begging for mercy laugh.

i remember when we all used to fit in one car (i miss that)
and we'd be coming home from eating lunch-out on sunday afternoon & someone would say something remotely humorous, or perhaps totally nonsensical. 'i thought you said...kiss my ass!'
and we would all LAUGH OUT LOUD. uncontrollably. tears streaming.

we don't take eachother too seriously. we don't take life too seriously. but we are serious about loving eachother no matter what.

they're also very good at not letting me get away with thinking i'm perfect.

adriel is really smart-like the smart where she can pick-up a manual & teach herself how to put together anything. i mean anything. she's patient. she's humble & teachable. she apologizes & desires reconciliation. she's responsible & solid. she knows what she thinks & listens to what you think. she loves the unlovable. she's creative & can put on paper her life, her interactions, her thoughts, simply & poignantly. leaving you saying, 'YES! how does she do that so perfectly!?'. she asks questions & is unafraid at not knowing.

jescica exudes love & unconditional regard. she listens well. she wants others dreams to come into fruition. she sees things in people they don't see-and encourages them. she's obedient & focused. she laughs loud & hard & makes no apologies. she's got a black girl's blood-she will woop your butt in a dance contest. she's satisfied & thankful.

erich (dad) has more talent in his pinky finger than i have in my whole body. his creative capacity SCREAMS God. he is devoted & hard-working. he hears the Lord's encouraging voice & shares it with us. he's got a bit of a german temper. he loves his daughters. he's intuitive & sensitive. he's not afraid to disagree. he's not afraid of silence. he's teachable & kind. he's taught himself most everything he knows, when it comes to his profession. he shows love through provision, protection & hugs.

tami (mom) cares deeply for souls. she cries alot. her heart bleeds. she is creative. her calligraphy, paper-making, package wrapping, book making, is awe inspiring. she is patient & laid-back & forgiving. she's funny & appreciates humor. she is a great cook-just knows how to make something from nothing. she appreciates beauty & good music. she drinks good wine & loves to see new things/places. she has impeccable style. she can turn 5 items of clothing into 35 outfits. each one strikingly beautiful. she understands commitment. she hears God's broken heart. she hugs & kisses & expresses love-unconditionally. she loves the water. she loves the sun. she knows EVERYTIME when one of her daughters is hurting. we are hopeless in denying it. and she tends to us.

i love families because they're just a big ball of love, laughter, disappointment, dysfunction, memories, hopes, babies, shared meals, shared hearts.

lages-i love you.

2006-03-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

so...my good friend (once best) and first love, is engaged.
this is the guy i was sure would never commit to any one woman-just take all the best from each one & leave them alone, wondering.
his dad is on his fourth wife. i know that's his biggest fear-that he'll end-up just like him.
he & i used to talk about marriage a lot. and about our future children.
when he loved the Lord, i couldn't think of anything i wanted more than to spend the rest of my life with him.
he felt like home.
i hope he can love this woman well.

but that chapter is closed now.
the chapter where i was:
'moving on' but silently & subconsciously waiting for him to turn back to God so we could get married and have GORGEOUS hippybabies and travel & speak Spanish & cook together & create together.

so i have to really move on now--which i think is really fun to think about.

i guess i've been being forced to start-over a lot lately. it's been refreshing & scary. but i look at my life even from a year ago & i see how much has changed.
and i'm so amazed. i'm so thankful.
i see things happening. hearts changing, right before my eyes. (including mine)
and i know the only reason for this is due to a forced letting go.
forced, because if i didn't-i would have lost my mind & my heart.

so thanks. to you, out there who pushed me to my edge. and forced me to step-out into the realm of 'out of control'
cuz the truth is **gasp** i am.

2006-03-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

i get to help a friend in her garden this spring! basil & squash and dill, oh my!

my sister is thinking about law school--she may leave us :(

beck: mutations is still awesome.

i got to dance on friday, to friend's music. i'm good now for at least 6 months.

i heard a break-up story on sunday. i am SO THANKFUL i'm not having to deal with something like that right now. i'm always either too 'matter-of-fact' or emotional. even if it also means no love.

i may be going to california to see my favorite little asian! (she's had it with peace corp)

my good friend is moving to colorado to study design--now i have like 6 reasons to visit that state.

i'm not thrilled with reading leviticus & numbers. someone please remind me why it's good.

shared tears yesterday with a non-biological sister, about the struggles of school, stress. she was so beautiful. blonde bangs falling in her water-filled, bright blue eyes, smile on her face. oooooh i love her heart.

it IS better being partners with souls in the journey that is eternal.

i'm loving how natalie will just lay on my chest-arms strong, eyes wide-open & inquisitive--staring. totally intreagued with whatever pair of earrings i'm wearing.

heard a story of birth yesterday--from a midwife. it made me cry that cry that first makes you warm, and then just comes---like a release.

i'm realizing that my love for life sometimes scares me. my heart for deeply connecting with souls sometimes feels like it could kill me. 'she told me she wanted to eat-up my sadness'--lyrics from my favorite song right now.

what i'm listening to:

ashley cleaveland-(newest release) all hymns
ryan adams & the cardinals-rosebud
bloc party-this modern love
zero7-distractions
sting-ghost story
bruce cockburn-deep lake
black eyed peas-my humps
jemstate-honestly
jennifer knapp-peace
r.e.m.-try not to breathe
steely dan-aja
the sundays-god made me

2006-03-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

there is absolutely nothing sweeter than honest fellowship.

i wonder how people survive without the Body of Christ. without a place to know you, your very specific gifts and talents are being used & valued. without a place to call home, wherever you are. be it in des moines, california, south carolina, new york, texas. and without a place where the last say is nobody in particular, but Abba Father, who loves us all more than we could eachother.

there is an immense amount of rest for me, in this. the rest (and the fun) comes in knowing that no one particular group is going to fill all my needs. thankfully. it creates my reliance even stronger upon the Lord.

i've been frustrated in the recent past with people who cannot see the glory that is in the Body. mostly other believers. mostly my age. the beauty that comes with committing to an imperfect group of people & seeing the Holy Spirit surprise us.

but then He reminds me of when that was me. and how it was a mixture of different feelings & strongholds that only He could clean-up.

i was afraid i wouldn't get my way
i was afraid i would have to change
i was afraid i would not be heard
i was afraid i would become boring & brainwashed
i was afraid i would commit to the wrong group
i was afraid i would have to be held accountable
i was afraid i would have to grow-up
i was afraid i wouldn't have any fun

and then one day, it just clicked. He made it click for me. i can't even say exactly what it was. maybe i was just tired of being tired & restless. and i longed to know people & them to know me.

i'm so thankful for the fellowship i call home (the one in dsm). they show me what devotion, obedience & surrender look like. most of the time it's just sharing eachother's lives & hearts. it's praying together, it's hoping together, it's wanting more of Him together.

while i've been blessed with an amazing family, this is THE family, i believe, He's always wanted for me. and for the first time, the thought of moving & 'exploring,' or adventure, while it's enticing, doesn't really appeal to me. i would go if i was led, but i don't have to. i'm not compelled to. that's a big deal for me.

2006-03-11T20:22:00.001-05:00

granolas & organics can be real jacka#!es.
working at a local wholefood market i come across so many freakin arrogant people. this one guy yesterday waltzed in with his long hippy grey hair, down to his shoulders, rainjacket hat, dirty faded jeans (this isn't what made him unbearable) and then proceeded to comment on every item of clothing i was wearing & everything that came out of my mouth.

after i said 'yes sir, you can get fresh wheat grass juice back here in the deli' he's like, 'i notice you people here in iowa say sir quite a lot'.
huh? i said nothing.
he surveyed my outfit & said, 'huh, a wool blazer with jeans, that's different'
THEN he said something about my black boots--reminding him of elvis.
what?
elvis is sweet, but the way he said it was not meant as a compliment.
up until this point i was open to bantering...
but that's when this girl draws the line.
--you do not talk about my clothes that way. best keep your mouth shut.

(p.s. my outfit was sweet-thank you goodwill)

i was discussing this issue with a fellow co-worker & we think that maybe there is a higher expectation for healthy folks to be more happy.
myth debunked. it's not true.
the unfortunate deal is that most of our customers are old---(which can be good when you meet that old woman who LOVES us cuz we always have her organic bananas) but can also lend itself to a lot of ranting & specific bagging requests.
OH and of course a lecture on the legislation of whether or not pharmaceutical companies are going to take over the rights of distributing supplements. "If I had just TEN MINUTES I'd tell them....!!!'
write a letter. sign a petition. stop bitching about it.
especially to ME who agrees with you (minus the crazy business)

tomorrow the fam is celebrating e-rock's big F.I.V.E. he's all old & stuff. i miss him. i don't get to see him a whole lot.
oh-and natalie is growing like crazy. i guess she knows her toes & nose and all those very necessary things. i don't ever really get to see her either. i'm glad i'll be hanging with them tomorrow.
i will soon have pics linked-up so that you can see the progression of these beautiful creatures.

2006-03-08T12:10:00.000-05:00

i'm getting used to being pursued. it's always been easier for me to do the pursuing.
thank you for being interested & opening your life to me.

------------

it's not about him falling short.
it's not about his arrogance.
it's not about his selfishness.
it's not about his immaturity.
it's not about the disappointment.

i sat in my car, heat blowing on my face-overcast-overwhelmed with sadness. tears streaming. hearing my Abba's heartbeat,

thu-thump//thu-thump//thu-thump..

'this is all i feel, those tears you can't control-those are mine.'
he doesn't even know how much he is missed.

2006-03-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

so i totally rocked my muscle practical test last week.
which means i know where almost all the major muscles are on a cat (and can spell them)--
what was cool about it was i studied little-by-little until test day. novel concept, huh?
the fact that every single part of my anatomy class leaves me wanting more, helps.

so studied a little bit the morning of the test, over a cappucino & ben neill, then i drove to class, refusing to open my books//one last glance\i just prayed.
i did all i could do, i recited and memorized & i knew that to regergitate all the information in my brain i would need my helper-the Spirit.

'ok, Lord, you know i've studied this, you know this is a passion of mine-i believe you've given me this oppurtunity.
i pray that you be glorified through my success on this. i know you're with me! help me to rely on you.'

and what happened has never really happened in my entire school career.
i literally did not have to 'dig' for the answers. i looked @ the muscle, i looked @ the tissue slide, i knew them. all 70.

(praise God)

i'm a cooking machine these days! i made a coconut milk soup with jalapeno peppers and chicken for dinner tomorrow.
i'm putting it over brown rice & serving it with a salad. haven't decided what kind.
made oatmeal muffins & sauteed tempeh with soy, pineapple & red bell peppers for a snack.
i got a food processor from my grandma--via my sister jessica who just visited her.

God literally answered a prayer of mine:
'Lord, please, can you figure out a way to get me a food processor, seeing that it is the most amazing, useful kitchen utensil & you know i cannot afford it?'
it was just SITTING THERE after they left on sunday night.

2006-03-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

i genuinely apologize to those of you who i've not fully listened to. also, to those of you who i've invalidated with all of my 'suggestions' or 'advice'. i was told that i do this to my father (on his birthday of all days) and it caused me a great deal of sadness. cuz i would never want someone to feel that way & i know know how it feels on the other end. ~~sorry~~

i have a friend right now whom it's really hard to be around. she's moody & unpredictable & pretty self-absorbed. and annoying. me, i, me, me. that's pretty much the way each sentence from her mouth starts. i really liked harping on her yesterday, throwing my frustration around, my disappointment (to my parents-thanks for listening guys).

then i had some time with some good friends & was filled-up with concern & fun & real-life, now. babies & giggles & diapers. talk of music & movies & fashion...heart stuff & recipes. anything's game.

then i saw my frustrating circumstance for what it really was-(and something i suffer from) is the need for attention. a crying-out. a lack of confidence.

i really like hanging out with people who are in different stages in their life then myself. being young & single & 'free to do whatever i/we want' lends itself to a lot of posturing & b.s.---cuz we only have to think about feeding ourselves & making sure we do enough laundry so that we have at least clean underwear (well, some of us)--

so the rest of our time *me being the most guilty of this* is spent analyzing things & putting energy towards stuff that's plain-old not eternal. i think my 2 greatest sins have always been 1)self-pity & 2)self-interest. we're gonna do both of these, it's our human nature, but as the years pass & the time, i feel, that is wasted on these 2 endeavors, the more i feel the lord giving me perspective, saying...

'just be thankful, this sends me into action.'

i like parents. i like grandparents. the things they think about seem a bit more meaty.

for lou

2006-03-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

hey beauty- (that's what i think of when i see your face in my head)

i remember when you intimidated me. it was when i was unbearably insecure. your honesty, transparency & vulnerability is something the majority of humans cannot deal with. (i thought i was one of them) then, when God cracked me open, i had you there to look @ and learn from. all your guts & glory and beautiful disaster. absolutely NO SHAME my sister (in the fact that He is great when we are lacking)-the divinity in you brings healing & dancing.

LOVE
e

2006-02-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

ok-so i promise i don't only think about boys. i swear there is more to me. i just love interesting & beautiful things!! and usually boys fit quite nicely into that category. i also like food & books & cutting open cats & horseback riding & standing in the sun. and i REALLY like the fact that i have a whole house to myself right now---dogsitting for the sis.

was quite emotional yesterday. was missing my out-of-state friends. why have they been taken from me? my goal is to pump-up des moines with enough energy and interest that they'll all come flocking back. erica! how come you never told us dsm was so RAD!?!?!

when it was sunny & warm yesterday i felt like myself. (i belong on the coast)

had a thouroughly enjoyable time lastnight learning about the connections between parts of the book of exodus & hebrews/2nd corinthians. i've got some scriptual meat & potatoes to chew on now for a couple weeks.

Moses was the dude! Pharoah was a meany. (God hardened his heart)

2006-02-24T23:11:00.000-05:00

"please" do not put unwanted clothing items on the "floor"

we do not have access to a "public" restroom

...these signs i found today while second-hand shopping...

i found a new location to pick-up boys-'new asian city market'. i just roamed the isles while listening the the rapid, non-stop, high-pitched asian chatter coming out of the mouths of the cashier & customers. i miss san fransisco & the an's. (chanty's family)

i have a thing for asian/american boys.
chanty tried to hook me up with her brother sok even after he was engaged.
we're just friends.

so there he was, dark skin, huge smile, grey hat, black fleece, camouflage pants, black combat boots. speaking chinese with his father. i stared at him-then tried to act nonchalant, waited for him to speak chinese again. left the store. he came out a few minutes later--i was standing by the curb waiting to cross..looked behind me & we smiled at each other.

he looked like one of those people that would be interesting to talk to.
it is SO REFRESHING to be reminded that there are different kinds of people out there.
sometimes i forget.

2006-02-22T21:06:00.000-05:00

today i am aware, moreso than i have been in a long time, of how needy i am.
i've got some new friends in my life these days and as gracious as they are with their time & hearts, i still feel like i'm always wanting more.

i figure that i love to spend so much time with them because they remind me of all my dearest friends along the journey----all the ones who do not live here & share my daily life with. i see them as an answer to prayer, but there are moments when my insecurity says they see me as a charity case.

is insecurity a sin? it makes me feel like an addict.

today i finished my cat dissection. absolutely enthralling. but the smell was slightly unbearable this time around. couldn't take too much slicing of veins, arteries or fatty tissue.

i think i need a night out. with dancing, definitely.

why is it that i can't seem to concentrate lately? and the two things that have got me distracted are 1) how to get to see my friends in south carolina and 2) marriage. i'm hitting the place where i feel i'm ready for that best friend and i to meet & get on with life. get on with our ministry together, as a team. i really am so envious of those that are married & can do that often. i want that so bad. my new friends have reminded me that this purpose is the most exciting & rewarding one.

2006-02-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

i have discovered a new/old music favorite.

bruce cockburn.

many of you have probably already heard him & perhaps adore him. my father has been telling me about him for years. i've listened briefly, but never LISTENED. he's brilliant. and he's heartfelt. hard to find the combination these days. 'isn't that what friends are for?' absolutely rattled me to my core. i love how this man can put into words just what i didn't know i was feeling.

album title: 'breakfast in new orleans, dinner in timbuktu'

2006-02-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

i'm finding it hard right now to talk to God much at all.

or to hear Him.

i'm left with what He told me some months ago.

'your obedience alone will be the catalyst for their healing & salvation'

i think, now, it's my healing & salvation He's talking about.

and isn't it interesting, that now it's harder than ever for me to be obedient.

i don't want to be a part of the 'big' church thing ever again.

maybe the Lord will change my mind.

but i've only ever felt tired, unprepared, not disciplined enough, lacking, hunting for the right thing to say.

i know this is probably more my doing than theirs.

coming up out of a deep hole of confusion. only to re-learn what i've been taught several times before.

my Heavenly Father created me just the way i am supposed to be.

did you know your heart can offer me freedom & my heart can offer you freedom, if we just let each other?

1) even if we think we have nothing to offer
2) even if we're scared to death
3) even if we've attempted it before & we came away scarred?
4) even if some of those around us who say they know Jesus have not allowed us to be us, at this very moment

Jesus reminded me the other afternoon as i was learning about muscle tissue
... 'hey-do you remember that time when you went to california?' and i said yes, and to my response, He reminded me in only the way He can that to some people this looked reckless & immature & not seeking His will for my life.

while others supported me. they knew i needed to do this. they exercised faith.

i have a dear friend right now that is doing something similar.

he's following his dreams. he's doing what he loves.

this is a small timeline of the feelings i've gone through in relation:
1) great! i'm so excited for you!
2) good...but don't get too carried away
3) you're not really serious, are you?
4) wait, wait, wait, you do see what this is doing to your heart?
5) you've got to be kidding me. now this is just embarrassing
6) ~fighting back tears~ this life is killing him.
7) he is surrounding himself with darkness & death & it's going to overtake him
8) this is all too much, if i think about it one more day it might kill me
9) he's basically acting out all his rebellious desires that i got out of the way 10 years ago
10) it pains my heart to see him doing what he's doing
11) he's settling for mediocrity
12) he's addicted to the attention
13) he's never going to come out of this
14) he's going to come out of this
15) he's never going to come out of this
16) the Lord loves him more than i ever could
17) pray for open ears and heart so that he would hear his Father's voice
18) it hurts too much to care
19) it hurt Him a lot to care
20) i think this love might kill me
21) Christ died for the love of me
22) ...lots of crying...
23) asking God to show me how to love selflessly
24) 'give me this day my daily bread'
25) sacrificing control at the altar AGAIN
26) love POURED OUT on my life
27) rest

thank you Lord for my mistakes, my shallow depth of sight.

thank you Lord for my misconceptions of love & life.

thank you Lord for my imperfection & judgmental heart.

thank you Lord for my lack of discipline & selfishness.

it's when i forget about these things that i am unable to love deeply.

when did it become about fixing ourselves?

i cannot see my connection to other souls if i'm all fixed-up.

i pray that not only my friend runs quickly & excitedly into your arms once he remembers your middle name is Freedom.

but that i could be there with him.

beware

2006-02-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

so going back to school has brought with it many things i was not expecting. but one of them is really disturbing.

about every other day i am in the computer lab checking my email and literally every time i've done this, i have glanced over and caught some guy looking at soft porn.

every single time.

now the problem with this is multi-faceted. not only does it totally offend me, but the scariest part of it all is that it's usually displayed on people's own 'myspace' account.

it's gotten out of control.

i'm watching this kid hunched over in his seat click, click, click on ALL OF THESE HALF-NAKED, IF NOT TOTALLY NAKED GIRLS!

the only redeeming factor-which i'm not sure this qualifies-is that he's doing it here, instead of in his room doing you know what.

i'm so freaking sheltered.

and i'm so overwhelmingly thankful that while my high school guy friends had probably seen a playboy at least once in their life or had the unfortunate opportunity to see a pornographic film---(i'm not dilusional about how available these things were/are)---i know the internet was not as active in this category.

AAAAHHHHH he just clicked on a picture of a girl from the ground-up, wearing nothing!!!!

and you know what? it makes me ashamed to be female, when i catch glimpses of these ridiculous spectacles. maybe there is no difference between a paid pornstar and a teenage girl taking her clothes off & putting them on the 'net, but something inside me feels certain it's worse.

my heart breaks cuz i know how fleshly i am, and i cannot imagine being male. i cannot imagine it at all & Lord help them, it is way too easy (and getting increasingly more easy) for them to satisfy their appetites.

why would they ever want a real relationship if they could see everything they ever wanted?

and as i sit here thinking about the ickiness and the compromising of our purity this all promotes, i am trying to find something/someone to blame.

but then, as a good friend of mine said simply & poignantly the other night (when speaking of the debacles of our ancestors in the book of genesis & the struggles of current life) 'it happens because of the fall'

and i think that alone, while it's not a 'simple' answer, it encapsulates all the issues (lack of love, lust, selfishness, neediness, insecurity, ego, abuse, misuse, mistrust, ignorance, fear, hatred, anger, sadness, depression, loneliness)

separation from God.

it's bazaar, some days, being a 25 year-old virgin. (make a movie out of that one, while you're at it) cuz the truth is, the Lord has protected me beyond belief. trust me, it is not that i have not struggled...OH LORD. but even way-back then in high school when it was starting to become cool, He just reassured me (and ironically somewhat through peer pressure) that it wasn't worth it. MAN, HE SPARED ME.

i can do nothing without Christ Jesus.

i'm not letting my kids ever have a tv or a computer or a cell phone & i'm screening all of the movies they watch & i'm going to follow them around like a stalker whenever they go out with boys or girls.

or i guess i could just pray fervently.

2006-01-23T19:09:00.000-05:00

hello hello. i've tried to post several times in the last 2 weeks and each time something happens.--so here i am.

just got back from watching 'underworld:evolution' i have to say-the first one was better. of course there are all those sweet effects in the second one and kate is unbelievable, which is to be expected. but there's just something about the first one. maybe more magical.

i wore my 'i'm not interested in money, i just want to be wonderful'-m. monroe shirt today. i love it-it's a bit faded and shrunk perfectly to fit.

my niece is starting to stretch-out her strong legs and stand on my lap---and says 'dada'. she growls instead of goos, just like her auntie!

i'm contending with an interesting feeling this evening-have you ever had someone in your life that when you spend time with them the world (and all it's required tasks) become a foggy haze? i find myself walking & talking & experiencing...hanging on our next words---the most important thing being right now. i don't know if it's love, sounds more like infatuation. either way-i have a love/hate relationship with this experience.

it lends itself to undone work, messy bathrooms, unkempt life, in general. you should see my car. it looks like a homeless woman who likes to read college-level biology books lives in there.

and at some point, when you leave the presence of this person, you have to come up out of this moronic stupor & tend to 'things'---and i'm a bit lazy as it is, so this part is hard.

how do people fall in love neatly? it's always baffled me--or is that the sign of infatuation? love=clean sink ~ infatuation=soiled toilet.

anyway, so after the movie i went wondering around & walked into a few stores. one of them the 'fossil' store. very cute workers there tonight. shane & wes. fun to talk to-we talked of the goriness of uw 2. looked at watches for a friend, chatting it up with the both of them-giving them crap for a cropped jacket that cost SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. they agreed it was ridiculous. i told them thanks & left.

so i then started to leave the mall, putting back on my down vest, zipping it up, struttin my new(used) red leather heals...and behind me i hear, 'hey,' 'hey you,' i turn around. it was shane, from fossil. right there behind me in front of 'pizza villa'. this shane kid is beautiful. very noticeable. simple-but different. we both just kinda stood there for a second. immediately i felt like i was in a movie.

uuhhh..

he says, 'so what do you do for a job?' i first just kinda stood there staring @ him, smiling-wondering WHERE this could possibly go. and he goes, 'well if you're ever looking for a part-time job, let us know, you've got a great personality.' and truthfully i told him i would keep it in mind (it's smart to always keep your options open;) 'so yeah,' he says, 'come on in & fill-out an app if you get a chance, we're looking for good people.' and as he said this he started walking backwards and just barely escaped running into one of those stupid kids cars that are shaped like, well, a car, red & obnoxious & frankly a hazard. the man could have been hurt!!!

so i motioned for him to look behind him & basically saved his life. or at least a bad head injury. anyway, i digress. shane had a alterna brown cap on, wore it slightly to the side & maybe is the only guy i've ever seen pull it off really well-like he literally just put it on & didn't look in the mirror. red simple cowboy shirt and jeans. that's it. but his smile & his laugh & the fact that he said 'crap' about something, like 'that's a bunch of crap.' it was cute.

so that made me feel good. i have these spurts of confidence that pop-up and suprise me...i wish i could plan it more. think it happens when i'm happy. or infatuated.

2006-01-13T16:36:00.000-05:00

i thoroughly enjoy the reality show 'project runway'. i like shows that reveal real talent. these people are amazing to watch. and the stuff they make--get out!

i just got done with my first week of school--round 2. what an exhilarating ride. chemistry and anatomy & physiology--a psych course to fill some requirements for the physical therapy program i'm looking into.

God's teaching me about trust & stress & that with the former, the later fades a little more each day. a good friend of mine reminded me of this today.

i never had any use for a person who spelled a word only one way. -emerson
--my chem teacher reminded us of this when he spelled a word wrong on the chalkboard.

i laugh out loud in class when the teacher says something funny. i'm on average 4 years older than most all the other students. i'm over not looking cool. i'd rather agree with the 'old guy up front.' takes a few years to realize that he's the cool one. and a wealth of knowledge.

2006-01-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

today i was in barnes & noble looking at books on baby food recipes (growing increasingly interested in baby things) and as i was sitting there perusing this book, one of the b&n book-nerds, standing about 10 feet from me, coughed & ended up farting really loudly.

i couldn't believe it, it was so loud, and i was the only one who heard it. i laughed, under my breath, and then i felt bad cuz he was so nerdy.

i spent part of the afternoon looking at kitchen do-dads at a local kitchen supply store...that place is my personal candy store. i should know better than going in there. it's amazing i escaped without buying SOMETHING, even just a fancy napkin or a high-quality ramekin or that vegetable slicer that i NEED.

there is this bread that a local restaurant makes--and i will figure out how to make it at home. it's some sort of focasia bread, soaked in garlic butter and coated with parmesan cheese and then seared in a skillet or on a grill. literally melts in your mouth. i dreamed about it lastnight. i made sure i had some today.

i think hyde is the sexiest one on 'that 70's show'.

i'm looking for one of those water warmers that all the asians and sanfransiconians i know own. perfect for hot tea at a drop of a hat. i looked on amazon.com and they're almost all $100...wanna donate to the cause? ;)

going to a belated company new year's party tomorrow night with a friend. he manages to wait about THREE weeks to tell me that it's 'black-tie optional'. now mind you, if i was a wealthy socialite or even liked having a choice of fancy dresses, then this would not be a problem. but this is not the case. and the party is tomorrow night. ok men-this is what we're talking about when we use the statement, 'use your brain' or 'think of someone else for a chance'. trust me, i despise the fact that i have to think more about what i wear then men just as much as you do. this is just a warning.

and it's even more annoying that i'm going to a nice party with a guy that i don't want to be with while simultaneously still attracted to the guy that's no good for me. why does it have to be like this? and when will the man with the looks AND the heart show up? just wondering.

i don't care for caribou coffee's coffee but i love thier chocolate chunk cookie. i also like that they have a drive-thru. i don't even have to get out of my car for a cookie that probably has at least 1000 calories. awesome for my 'healthy lifestyle'.

i love comedy central. maybe i shouldn't. but i'm not sure there is anything better than stand-up comedy.

2006-01-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

lots of ladies in my life are venturing into new beginnings:

chanty~entering her second year in milawe, s. africa with peace corp
liz~venturing to alaska to gut some fish for good cash
jessica~prayerfully trying to conceive a second baby
adriel~starting a new job that Lord willing will allow her to break into her desired career
me~class starts on monday! i'm taking bio classes--more on the 'plan' later

this may be the first year that a new year in fact brings with it a whole bunch of new things. i like it.

got 'my morning jacket' album for christmas. thanks wade~!!

had breakfast with my mommy this morning-we shared tears while talking of our hearts to see people well/healed/restored/thriving. i hope that this journey of education will allow me to do that more often on a physical level. and jesus working through me!!! holy smokes!! watch out!!

thanks mom for listening & encouraging me. and reminding me that my heart for healing & my passion for others is a good thing-and a gift. you keep me going.

2005-12-30T13:16:00.000-05:00

today is my last day at my job @ LE. packing-up my box full of things i have collected through the last year is nestalgic and very exciting.

for the first time in my life the only thing i am sure of is that Jesus is going to be there with me-wherever i go next.

i was told once by a dear friend that what i should say when people ask me what i'm doing or what i'm up to, i should just respond with, 'expect the unexpected.' i adore her. she lets me rest in the ever-changing excitement that my Savior gives me.

but He's also helping me find joy in starting & finishing something.

i'm going back to school!! yippy!!

i need a good book to read-i like non-fiction short stories. know any?

i'm going to spend the next week off organizing, hanging out with my neice, journaling, watching reality bites~inspiration for not selling-out~hopefully dancing, fasting and catching-up with friends i have not seen since i've spent the last week in the finacial center, downtown dsm.

maybe get my oil changed, too.

starting to get the juices flowing, again, for medical missions. you guys know anyone that does this on a regualar basis? i want to learn more about it.

lastnight i spent several hours, watching nothing on tv. literally, nothing. i did not stay on one channel for more than 10 minutes at a time. made me depressed & lethargic. i decided to give-up and go to bed. and that i probably will not have a television in my home. at least not one with cable.

i'm starting piano lessons with my pastor's wife after the first of the year. you don't know how thrilled i am to start playing music again. last days were when i played french horn & sang in choir. i quit cuz i was lazy. i'm ready for a second go at it.

also going to be taking an acting class @ dmacc...and new years eve is lending itself a murder mystery party.

i love all the new things i get to do in 2006.

2005-12-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

ok - that last post about begging for what i want? yeah, i'm over it. at least for today. i want what He wants. cuz He's got a greater imagination & a bigger capacity for inducing giddy greatfullness then i ever have been capable of. i'm excited for:

the career he's preparing me for
the love he's preparing for me
the adventure he is laying footwork for
the babies that i will have the gift of nurturing
the souls he's planning for me to meet
the saved lives he's letting me be a part of
the daring things he's placing an excitement for in my heart
the childlike eyes he's giving me to see the world through
the blessings he's showering on me
the kindred spirits he's introducing me to

christmas was weird this year. had it on christmas eve & spent christmas day baking with my new kitchen aid mixer. i couldn't have asked for anything more wonderful. whipping and mixing to jamiroquai and st. germain. i want to host a cooking show where i make a dish (a dessert preferably), but also feature a new or fogotten classic album. blast it in the background. call it 'cooking class'. it would have been my favorite elective.

i enjoyed seeing my family this holiday season. i didn't have enough time to hang out with my cousin.

my sister was sick with & is recovering from strep throat. i am attempting to nurse her back to health with my homeopathic knowledge. it's limited, trust me. but i am an expert when it comes to strep. and sinus infection. my body used to go looking for the bacteria called 'strepducacis' (have no idea how to spell it & don't care) and when it found it rejoiced & swallowed it up. ick. ruined several christmas vacations. no more. garlic & glyconutrients. batta bing. and lots of water. and pressure-point lymph drainage. ok. i'll stop.

saw a good friend lastnight from colorado. well, he's from here, he lives in colorado. he's beggin that jesus reveal himself to him. he's been waiting patiently. i'm thrilled to know people like this. their hunger inspires me. his name is regan. would you ask for the Lord to reveal Himself to him? that he have eyes to see? i know he'd be more than thankful.

i start school in a couple weeks. again.

went four-wheeling lastnight & sat under the stars by a frozen creek. if it weren't for the cold butt i was starting to get, i would have slept out there.

the 'my morning jacket' album rocks my face off.

nora grace fjellman

2005-12-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

my friend just recently had a baby at home. she had her while croutching in a hot tub, of sorts. really, just a big bathtub. and no kelsey, the hot tub was not chlorinated. she labored through the night, and in the morning got into the water, had one real good contraction, pushed one real good push and out she came. nora grace. her daddy caught her & cut the chord. the whole family was there. the midwife was there. when they were done, they walked upstairs and had lunch.

i want to have babies this way.

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

these lyrics apply to this request, amongst other things.

2005-12-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

ok-one question. a ton of women are all hovered around one of their desks, here at work, looking at rings (diamonds) on the internet. goo goo gaah gaah.

what do men do this with?

pretty much the only good thing goin on right now

2005-12-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

an email to a friend, my thoughts:

this morning has been wonderful so far for me. i was supposed to meet with a friend, steph (the one who had the wine party) this morning. 6:30. seems as though she slept in ;) i sat up @ freidrich's on 86th, reading & writing instead. eating my favorite pecan roll.

it's amazing how our God works. it's been several days since i've gotten up (ya know, the laziness & depression)...pressing snooze, sleeping till the last minute. sacraficing my time with God...'i'll do it later'. i hardly EVER do it later.

i think this 'plan' for steph & i to meet was botched so He & i could hang out with eachother.

so of course He totally ravaged my heart. He breathed new life & (thanks to my great worship cd & the book of John) a veil, of sorts, has been lifted.

i was reminded that even the Son of God did nothing on His own initiative...but what His father told him to. He also made sure we knew that He did not come to save us on His own...but as a response to His Father's request. the perfect Son of Man does nothing His dad doesn't tell Him to.

also, that Satan is the Father of lies. nothing that comes from His being is true.

He was a murderer from birth...
thinking about what he's trying to kill right now.

as i was driving on the freeway towards downtown, listenin' to my waterdeep, singing along...'how greeeaaaat, how hiiiigh, how deeeeeep, how wiiiiide, is your love'...
these words came to mind;

what if my worship alone is the catalyst for thier healing and salvation?

i think He's teaching me that there is a supernatural power in just me, alone, praising Him. i sensed (as i was driving) that the declaration of His being, His power, His love & glory, that the hearts of those around me in their cars on their way to their jobs were sensing Him. either profoundly or just slightly...
i heard Him say that 'this, right now, you, just loving me, is enough'

i remember the days when He wasn't so obvious to me, but that there were moments He seemed more real.
could He have me partnering in stranger's new lives?

beautiful week-end

2005-11-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY:

1. got off work-always a good time.

2. headed to zanzibar's to read & write-ended up perusing the recent Metropolis magazine. drank one of the best lattes in dsm (amazing creme) & a gigantic homemade pumpkin bar, cream cheese frosting. front & back door open-warm fall breeze blowing through.

3. wade joined me & we chatted about inspiration, confession, belief and 'blue like jazz'. he drank a mocha & finished my pumpkin bar. he drew a picture of me (a little tikes character) in my own spacesuit flying to the moon.

4. the cute older man barista commented on how much he likes my hair-and asked, 'have i told you that before?' and i smiled & said, 'yes' and 'it's ok-you can tell me that as many times as you like.' his name is kim, he has a beard, glasses & shaved legs cuz he's a biker.

5. we mosied over to bill & gabe's place once wade decided he wasn't going to work-but play texas hold-'em. i watched & learned. they live in an old house with a beautiful wood staircase. i walked up it just to hear it creak and crack. a jewish man with his christian wife was there. he was beautiful. warm & loud & welcoming. steph kept joking about me working @ big earl's. i couldn't stop blushing. gabe danced like a striper to some jazz fusion & maternally loved danger. danger is a puppy.

6. the first game lasted over two hours. i went home & went ni-night.

SATURDAY:

7. woke up early, had some pb toast & a little bit of the gospel luke. and went to yoga. i completely forgot how much i love this. found myself right back at home atop the purple rubber-like mat. amongst fellow yogies. mostly older than me-more fit. i want to be like them when i grow up.

8. had an encounter with my Heavenly Daddy while laying in shava-asana: corpse pose. don't tell me He ain't in all things. an image of Him kissing me...on the forehead, on the cheek, on the lips, on the shoulders & down my arms--we rolled onto our sides, in the fetal position & i felt Him wrapping around myself...i cried like a baby, but silent.

9. continued to be ravaged by His love while driving in the car, through the drizzley greater dsm area. the violet burning helping to remind me of the fact that He is all-everything else is just bonus.

10. picked up lavender bath salts, sage essential oil & apricot kernel oil-i mixed the 2 oils to make my own concoction for a bath later. and a also picked up a tomato.

11. drove home. changed shoes & went for a walk. cool breeze, overcast sky, leaves still changing-mostly yellow now. breathed in & out and thanked Jesus for my new friendships, for His compassion on me. for the patience of my family with me. for the promises He's been placing in my heart. for the loss of anxiety. for the assuredness of my inheritance. for His provision. for my health. for the gift of healthy boundaries. for what wade hit on the head 'wanting to be more like mary than martha.' decided it's ok to take relationships slowly.

12. cooked an egg, warmed a tortilla & cut up my tomato. watched the food channel. ran hot water, poured in my oil conconction, lit a candle. put on 'baroque for bathtime.' stayed in there for about an hour. fell asleep. got out-put on lotion, went back to bed.

13. woke-up a couple hours later & got ready for my night. drove over to sherman hill to pick up wade. off we were to johnston to taste some wine. scott & steph hosting a 'traveling vineyard' party. not sure i've had so much fun since senior year prom. yes. i had fun at prom. we tasted wine all night for goodness sakes!

SUNDAY:

14. woke up and drove to friedrich's to get a double short cappucino and a zucchini, walnut muffin. it had raisins and chunks of shell in it. i won't have it again.

15. drove to waukee to get my fellowshiping on...went a little early to pray with some folks. sometimes i just listen. dave wrapped-up his teachings on the gospels. reiterating freedom that comes in servanthood, sacrifice, submission. this man's teaching has changed my life. forced me to look at myself in the mirror and admit the things that i was running from. he causes people to have crisis of belief. he calls a spade a spade. and he teaches from the word & about Christ mostly cuz he says, 'that's the only thing with life.' he's not concerned with us being only concerned with ourselves. he wants more for us.

16. had lunch @ ponchero's with the fam.

17. spent a little too long looking for new shoes at a big mall. finally found what i was looking for-earth shoes-in a small store. sold by a young salesman who seemed very nervous/anxious. i said thank you quite a lot. hoping to calm him down. it didn't work.

18. headed home & laid on the couch. checked my email & typed with erich. he sat on my lap for a while. if i don't say anything about loving him or him being on my lap, he stays there longer. he's four now. very grown-up. i stayed silent. holding on.

19. headed over to wade's apartment. we had a list of great things we were going to do: eat pizza. we got tomato & basil pizza from big tomato. herb crust. picked up the movie, 'life is beautiful.' drank a billy porter (boulevard) beer. i think this one is my new favorite. talked about religion, how it gets in the way. talked about us christians first confessing before expecting others to confess. flipping things upside down.

20. after we were good & full he got the eyeball out of the fridge. yes-a deer eyeball. from one of his hunting ventures. he saved it so someday he could cut it open. i had the pleasure to join him in this. at first all i could think was, 'it's looking at me.'

21. we turned on portishead, drank beer & cut open this eyeball. it was absolutely mesmorizing. metallic blue on the inside, squishy & deflated. hard cartiladge-like outer shell. we got ahold of the lense. it was like a very small, clear gummy bear. i chopped it up into bits. we took pictures of the eyeball along the way (see picture-that's the inside)...video too. i touched it with my bare hands several times.

22. cleaned-up the deer eyeball & wade took it out to the trash. i sat & listened to muse while he did this-looking out the window. deciding to be a good girl & not snoop.

23. we listened to more music, he showed me pics of all sorts of things. MoMA, katie, bill, jim, steph, his nephew, his biking buddies, colorado, caves, paintings, salt & pepper shakers being inappropriate.

24. we made root beer floats & watched 'life is beautiful.' i had no idea of how gorgeous that movie was. i fell in love with that man. with his wife. with their son. their son lit up my heart. joshua. yoshua.

25. went home & went night-night.

try, try again

2005-10-11T08:24:00.000-05:00

i was trying to be fancy but clearly i cannot pull that off--

www.swansonboulevard.blogspot.com

cheers!

2005-10-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

it's time for a break from blogspot.com

i find myself editing my thoughts throughout the day to fit on this screen and trying to figure out what picture to add-to make it cool looking.

one last plug- 'plans' by death cab for cutie

love you guys

my dears

2005-09-30T09:40:00.000-05:00

i miss iowa city in the fall. red brick and yellow leaves.

i really wanna talk to my friends sarah and chanty. one is in colorado, one is in africa.

found out lastnight that a dear friend of mine has found the love of his life. is going to ask her to marry him any day now.

i love when my nephew has chocolate on his face.

i'm going to make more time to make jewelry.

i need to wash my car & empty out the back seat.

i get to go camping this weekend.

i may be getting a tattoo.

still wondering why people ever choose to move to florida.

i am not nice when i wake up and it's cold in the air outside of my covers.

if i overspend my budget (which i have this month) i can feel it.

i'm starting to kinda get this 'faith' thing & it's freaking me out, the implications.

i've given up a struggle i've been holding onto for over 3 years.

one of the big secrets to weight loss & energy is water.

i've started watching t.v. again-the food channel most everytime.

very excited about my non-fiction short story discovery, 'kitchen sink'.

i cannot wait till i have my own yard & can have a big dog.

i'm overwhelmed with the compulsion to pray for my nephew e-rock.

i miss christine.

i don't think i like the new coldplay cd.

i might start taking french horn lessons again.

i think two of my favorite people are falling in love.

my friend wilson writes unbelievable poetry.

matt discovered sigur ros what seems like 100 years ago.

a complete stranger (fellow blogger) got engaged and for some reason i'm really happy for him.

i remember how beautiful my first cappucino was.

i remember i fell in love with corey dickmeyer to oasis.

i really love writing letters-would you leave your address so i can send you one?

thanks sweety

2005-09-28T14:38:00.000-05:00

***********

words from a wise friend used to remind me that sometimes i'm just wrong.

meeting, courting, kissing, loving should come really really easy. a marriage takes work, a relationship can take some work, falling in love should be a snap.

***********

in my dreams

2005-09-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

lastnight my dreams were so much fun.

inspired by the album 'post' by bjork. i guess it was this morning that i dreamt all of this-from 5:30 am to about 7.

car chases, rain, fire, train crashes. bjork at the wheel of a black cadillac escalade. red lipstick & black painted eyes. i was watching it from the sky and then from the passenger's seat.

i about died several times...rolling over medians, crashing through buildings. we kept on driving.

i woke up to my alarm finally and i pressed snooze several times-i wanted more.

tearing through lawns of an unnamed, over-cast suburbs. there were other 'non-threatening' drivers amungst us. almost as if they were in on it. a man with a beard, sharp dressed, dark sunglasses.

it was somewhat weird because through the whole thing i was never afraid. i knew that i may die, in fact there was a good chance. but for some reason it didn't bother me.

i would recommend, though, if you would like to actually get good sleep between 'snoozes' to NOT PUT anything in your alarm by her. trust me.

girl done got her hair did

2005-09-22T10:41:00.000-05:00

well folks, i did it. followed through with the good-ol choppy chop.

kinda looks like that pic of pj to the left, a lot longer in the front.

have you ever felt a haircut to be so powerful to make you look the way you feel inside? i have no idea what that means other than that barbie, my tatooed, tri hair-colored stylist did a bang-up job.

YEE!! i feel like a girl again!

every day needs a little gospel music

2005-09-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

yesterday was great. woke-up, got dressed and headed to church.
when i got there, i sat outside near the woods behind our building and admired all the cool things God made. as i looked down at my indian-style crossed legs and noticed the wildlife (BUGS) crawling on me i was slightly hesitant to praise His name.

but i did anyway.

i got baptised yesterday. can't believe i've dodged it this long. i'm pretty sure, though, that i haven't been dodging it-just waiting-till i was really ready.

it was amazing.

the water was cold. i mean like fill your bath full-o cold water and throw in a bucket of ice 'cold'. and it went up to my bellybutton. and i loved it. it made me wanna cry but it made it real. a man named tim who i've known my whole life did the honors. how many people can say that? i'm such a lucky lady.

i am extraordinarily blessed with a fellowship of believers i've known most my whole life. as i looked out into the crowd that was watching me, i saw so many familiar faces, so many second mothers, second fathers, best friends, soulmates, playmates, teachers. and the sound of my pastor's voice i'm starting to find home in.

after the refreshing dip i chatted with some new beautiful women to des moines. they're here in des moines to become D.O.s. we decided we were going to have to start having fun together. life is too short only to study & work.

talked with my friend wade. he is kind, funny, attentive and teachable. these things make him quite attractive.

drove home with my windows down & my long half-wet hair hangin out the window, blowin' in my face. listening to ivy. i think she's british or english. honestly, she rocks out. or her band does, whatever. she was made for sunny days driving.

got to the homestead and read the good Word out on the back porch in the sun..1 Timothy. um..hello...guess i've never read that thing the whole way through or when i did i wasn't prepared for it, but i'm not kidding at all, EVERY SINGLE passage was like an arrow. either causing conviction or pure giddiness. i wanna memorize the whole thing.

i got a bug to be inspired by great design and environmental consciousness and dug up one of my old 'dwell' magazines. for some reason i feel a bit more like myself when i'm able to see what the rest of the world is up to creatively. it inspires me, it gives me hope and it gets my 'makin stuff' juices flowing. dwell is based out of cali. that's probably a big part of the reason why i get stoked whenever it comes in the mail. like a piece of home dropping by to say 'hello!' mmmmm. yummy.

as i got diggin through that-my beautiful parents brought out to me my own dish from pf chang's. and i ate my moo goo gui pan (absolutely no idea how to spell that) with the gorgeous black & gold painted chopsticks brooke got me from japan. i think i was asian in my last life. i love thier culture.

after flipping through dwell for awhile i got the bug in me to go 2nd hand shopping. looking for used beads to make necklaces from. you got any? i'm always lookin. and let me tell you what--i struck an earring jackpot. most would look @ what i found and shudder. one of my favorite pairs is these big wood circles about the size of a silver dollar-painted bright blue. freakin amazing.

i saw a girl outside of goodwill who had black hair and her nose pierced. and she reminded me of me when i had mine pierced but then it fell out in the shower @ UNI. thinkin i'm gonna have to get me another one.

listened to led zepplin on this leg of the trip.

stopped by my sister's place and hung out with my new niece. she's four months on wednesday and she's talkin like crazy. she doesn't cry anymore when we change her diaper. she can lay on her back & her tummy. and can hold up her own head. i'm already ready for her to walk and say mommy. maybe cuz she's the longest baby in history. she's as tall as a toddler. i can't stop kissing her. she knows who i am and smiles when i talk to her. i think i'm her favorite.

after watching part of the emmys with my sis & bro-in-law i realized how much i could care less about tv stars, and i jaunted home. changed into my pjs and watched part of the 'live at bonaroo' dvd i scored at goodwill. $1.99. come on. who donated that? i love you. got to see some string cheese incident and bela fleck (unreal) and a little dirty dozen brass band and my eyes were a fadin'.

time for ni-night. 9:30ish. yes, i am old. or perhaps i know not much greatness can happen after 10 unless there are good friends, music and cooking involved. perhaps maybe bonfires also.

how was your sunday?

girls just wanna have fun

2005-09-16T15:26:00.000-05:00

PLEASE!!!

i am in desperate need of some FUN in my life ya'll.

i need to be kidnapped and taken out dancing (except don't really kidnap me, give me a heads up cuz i wanna look fly~HOLLLAAA!!)

but seriously, people---

when has too much introspection and thoughts of the future reached it's tolerance threshold?

i think i've reached that place.

mama need me some mindless activity up in hrrrrr!!

who's with me?

K.C. ya'll

2005-09-13T11:55:00.000-05:00

got to get away to the kansas city this weekend. man-so good for my soul. not that k.c. really has anything to offer me all by itself. but i realize that my eyes often need new things to look at. and often i need time to just strole in a city i don't know.

sometimes i really do think that the world i live in is the only one that exists.

i was surrounded by 15,000 jesus loving women for 2 days in one big building. it does something to you. i have no idea how to put that into words.

basically i rededicated my life to Christ. i saw this woman, beth moore, shake the cage of an irrelevant God and let Him speak what she calls a 'now word'. i decided that this oppurtunity to worship a God who speaks to us where we are NOW is a God worth spending my whole life getting to know.

and all the details just fade...

and that thing-death-she challenged us to figure out why we're so afraid of it. and what's the deal with all this fear? paul believed he'd already died. i think that would be a lot less stressful.

she challenged us to commit this following verse to memory-it's already shown itself useful. i think i might do this more.

the Lord God is my strength.
my personal bravery, my invinsible army.
he makes my feet like hinds' feet and makes me to walk
[not to stand still in terror, but to walk]
and make spiritual progress upon my high places
[of trouble, suffering & responsibility]

Habakkuk 3:19

musicians beware

2005-09-13T11:14:00.000-05:00

i've discovered what my problem is:
i am inherently & probably through my wounded self, attracted to the exact kind of person that is horrible for me.

recently it's manifested itself in a musician. in the past it's been other extremely creative types.

i dated the theatre major. his drama was too much.
i dated the philanthropist-actually 2 of them who each had their own non-profit orgs. their obligation to save the world was exhausting.
i dated the writer. he was a freak. seriously. scared me.
i dated the chef. he was amazing but older with needs i would never go for.
and now i've dated the musician. i was blinded by his beauty.

but you see-it IS MY problem. it's not creative people that is the problem. it's me. i force it. i am attracted myself to the drama. i'm afraid of it being good. i don't trust it if it's easy. and frankly i get bored. and more often than not, the difficulty accompanies a creative spirit.

it's sick. i know. i need prayer.

i'm still such a child.

part of the problem is that i am attracted to the right kind of men-in fleating moments-but for some reason, maybe the big man upstairs knows this dysfunction hasn't totally worked itself out of my system.

or maybe-as a wise woman told me-i just haven't met him yet. it will just come together then.

2005-09-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

this was the response from a wise friend when i asked what's the deal with boys wanting to be a sort of 'savior' for the girls they want to love. some lyrics from a ryan adams song (see below) sparked my interest:

I thought maybe I could be some kind of shelter
But oh, your storm how it raged
You know your kisses, they were like lightnin' and thunder
And your smile is sweet and come down like rain

here she goes:
------
Yeah I just don't get that stuff. So much drama. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I never was attracted to those kind of intense relationships where there's all kinds of tumult going on. But now I see them as kind of immature, and having to create drama where there is none, and relying on the passion from that drama to sustain a relationship. Because when you come right down to it, life, and love, can get boring, and some people are not okay with that.
------

i'm going to make a sign and nail it to my door:

'NO DRAMA ALLOWED' (get it-instead of boys)

i understand the god given desire to protect & defend. and maybe i'm just slightly confused because no one i've wanted has tried to rescue me yet.

these things i'm not sure of yet.

hey

2005-09-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

this is my next hair do

waking life

2005-09-02T09:05:00.000-05:00

i've been having a reacurring dream lately about mobs of people gathering in wide-open fields, singing.

also a vision of a million car pile-up...one stacked half-way ontop of another...

and while listening to a live band 'the autumn project' at the mews on wednesday night--a strong electric guitar, synthesized backrgound and deafening drums, i was overwhelmed with pictures of these people's lives-the black and blue of their pasts & the glimpses of light that they grab ahold of.

so i'm somewhat caught in the middle of waking and dreaming. and i'm wondering if that's where He wants to keep me.

it makes me feel somewhat crazy. it makes me feel off-balance. it reinforces that this world is passing. but mostly it scares me.

and then again, for some reason, it doesn't.

joy

2005-08-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

i'm using the great idea my friend had to share with you what makes me happy-in no particular order-here goes:

1. sleeping with a cat wrapped around my head
2. my whole body underwater
3. wine drank by water
4. old trucks that smell like sawdust
5. sun reflecting off water
6. second-hand stores in san fransisco
7. sleeping with the sun peaking through the blinds
8. bald men (shaven or natural)
9. when a baby sucks on my chin
10. driving towards the sun w/o sunglasses on
11. that dance bass & electric guitar players do-the bending knees while swinging back & forth & occasionally a slight headbang dance.
12. my feet in natural bodies of water-
13. asian/american boys
14. tattoos
15. when my nephew takes his little hands and grabs my face and clenches his teeth as though he's getting ready to bite my nose off but instead lays on a big one.
16. eating oranges and drinking yerba mate in san luis obispo
17. driving past vineyards
18. mint & chocolate
19. zanzibar's chai tea
20. wondering what zanzibar's baristas do in their free time
21. greenwood park-hiking up to the top of the hill & sitting & watching people
22. reading brennen manning books
23. listening to billy graham preach
24. being in the meggison's home
25. 'the barefoot contessa' on the food channel
26. iowa city's ped mall
27. when leaves turn from green to yellow to red to brown
28. highway 1
29. listening to chanty talk to her family over the phone in chinese & cambodian
30. finding the perfect combination of beads for a necklace
31. jewelry @ goodwill
32. one-piece swimming suits
33. big hats
34. wind-blown/air-dried hair
35. confession
36. reconciliation
37. a massage from jason auer-sears
38. spanish
39. communal living
40. skaters
41. bikers
42. construction workers
43. the book of acts
44. people without cell phones
45. reading glasses
46. piercings
47. hand-whipped whipped cream
48. humble men
49. espresso over ice with a tiny bit of cream
50. the room on the second floor where all you can see when you look out is the tops of the trees
49. californians on the bart
48. reading books to kids

mk. more later. i couldn't stop @ 50...it's kinda like how i can't set my alarm for an even number.

*muwah*

what are some of yours?

ms. sensitive

2005-08-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

i'm learning that maybe our feelings get hurt so that we can confront, be affirmed, and walk-on even more deeply connected.

2005-08-25T15:26:00.000-05:00

i love him with a pure love and my heart aches for the nothingness he may be living in but i do know that he is a distraction.

geez. i bet we are distractions, in all our clumsiness to the one who is perfect.

every day i have to beg to know how to love.

i just think the picture is pretty

2005-08-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

so i was on my way to work tuesday, driving east down grand avenue towards my parking ramp on 5th street.

and i was stopped at about 7th at a red light. and to my right, on the corner, there was an older man in a suit with a briefcase. he was grey-haired, with a belly, a nice watch and shiny black shoes. he was also carrying a walking stick. he was blind. he was standing on the corner waiting for our light to turn green. but of course he couldn't 'see' the green light.

he was at the mercy of the sound of cars moving east in the direction he needed to go. and once he heard our motors revving and tires hitting the pavement, he too, began moving across the street.

i've seen blind men and women downtown cross the street many times, with ease, sure that they'd reach the other side unscathed. but for some reason, that morning, i was amazed at this man's faith, confidence and lack of fear.

2005-08-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

"If I speak with the tongues of Reformers and of professional theologians, and I have not personal faith in Christ, my theology is nothing but the noisy beating of a snare drum. And if I have analytic powers and the gift of creating coherent conceptual systems of theology, so as to remove liberal objections, and have not personal hope in God, I am nothing. And if I give myself to resolving the debate between supra and infralapsarianism, and to defending inerrancy, and to learning the Westminister Catechism, yea, even the larger one, so as to recite it by heart backwards and forwards, and have not love, I have gained nothing."

-----Kevin J. Vanhoozer, from "First Theology: God, Scripture & Hermeneutics"

i copied this from a stranger's blog (not a total stranger now)-he's from california. his name is pappy. his stuff makes me think. check him out.
<-------he's over there in the links.

waazup doc!?

2005-08-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Chemotherapy drugs affect both cancerous cells and normal cells, particularly hair follicles, the lining of the digestive tract, and cells that make blood. Because of this, the side effects of chemotherapy may include hair loss, diarrhea, nausea or vomiting, mouth sores, tiredness, and increased risk of infection.

i'm still amazed at how many people still believe that the traditional medicine world has the right answers.

aren't these symptoms what we're trying to prevent and get rid of? it just plain does not make any sense.

as i learn more about how our bodies are made, how they function, what it takes for them to heal themselves, and that in fact they were created to heal themselves, how our creator had it all figured out--i'm amazed--and i am confused as to why so many millions of people still believe what the old system says is the right answer.

i'm sure it's because they haven't had the chance to learn any different. and i can't hold that against them. i remember when i thought antibiotics were the answer.

i'm pretty sure i've found my passion. to educate myself first and then anyone that will listen to how simple it is to be healthy. not just feel 'ok' but to thrive-from the inside out.

5 hours of bliss

2005-08-18T12:27:00.000-05:00

i had the best day yesterday-wanna hear about it?

1) for lunch i got an iced tea and a chocolate-chunck cookie and walked through the garden/grassy null in nolan plaza barefoot. took a nap on a bench by the fountains.

2) got off work & got my hair cut by my cousin. he has an aveda salon. it smells nice, is designed with maple wood and he cuts me a deal. pun intended. we talked about family and his travel through the country in his big black motorhome.

3) went to mondo's and ordered myself a glass of chardonnay and my favorite salad, rice and black bean. it's big. i usually eat everything but the cheese. lemon caper vinegarette. i brainstormed about my future at the table by myself. people watched.

4) drove to the urbandale library and picked up some books on optimal health, anatomy, a book on why the chinese have a lot to teach us about health, and pilates. they had a great selection of CDs. i barrowed jeff buckley (mine has disappeared), toad the wet sprocket and chemical brothers.

listened to chemical brothers with the windows down on my drive towards the sunset.

5) at the end of the road (university) in waukee, there is a benadictine church with a gigantic plot of land behind it...with no one there. i blasted jeff buckley out my car windows and sat in the grass & read. i also danced, prayed, did cartwheels, laid on the carpet-like tufts as though i was doing snow angels, danced some more, cried, and left anew.

6) got some sorbet on the way home-strawberry

7) ate sorbet & read about anatomy & physiology & the wisdom of dr. weil till i fell asleep.

we cool?

2005-08-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

...so keillor isn't doing any harm for people like my sister who will never read the book anyway. He's not harming anyone, really, except snobs like me who do hold poetry/art at a higher standard and want to keep good art a secret and an announcement at the same time because it makes us tick. It's the band we still want to see in the dive bar but tell all of our friends about.

so i've realized that i've fallen prey to this like since i was in 7th grade. trying hard to keep all the cool things i discover to myself, yet making sure everyone knows it was me that found them. errgh.

i admit it. i want to be cool. i want to be hip. but there's always someone moreso.

2005-08-15T16:37:00.000-05:00

a guy friend of mine told me that he never tells anyone when his birthday is cuz he doesn't like the big deal people make of such an insignificant holiday.

c.s. lewis is a smart man

2005-08-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

i see now how badly i screwed up and how i didn't know any better.

i have been listening to c.s. lewis' 'the four loves' on CD these last couple days...on the drives between lightedge, starbucks, babysitting, and the ocassional time where i get to go somewhere I want to go-like zanzibar's or moffit lake.

what i'm learning is that not only have i been loving for the wrong reasons, but i've been mixing-up my loves. and actually, the physical, which i've put almost all my emphasis on, is really not a love at all. but something that is a natural progression of some of these loves, not to be given as much power as i have been giving it.

storge-the mother to child love, the natural love, the one that can be compromised by jealousy, but feels like home, and can make one feel like they are in solitude alongside someone-has come easy to me. i find this not only in my family but have in several friends.

philos-the friendship love, is unique. he explains it as a love that unites people from where they are, where they have a common goal. where lovers are pictured looking @ eachother, friends are pictured looking at the same thing, outside of one another. a common interest, a similar personality.

eros-the love of lovers. where he mentions beloved quite a bit and where most people think this is where the 'sexual' love resides (venus), he says that is a bi-product of the desire of the beloved whether or not the physical satisfaction is something that could be highly praised. this love he spoke of in more pure terms than i had heard in quite a while. and he referred, in the context of marriage, to the bride and bridegroom, the church and christ. and redefines that devotion picture-devotion to imperfect, inherently unlovable.

agape-i haven't gotten to this yet. i'll keep you posted. obviously divine love-the love exemplified in God.

i see how immature my actions have been. how hasty i have been to cultivate eros and mistakingly experiencing venus without philos or storge. lewis even makes point that it is childish thinking to assume that 'love' will immediately find it's home in eros without passing through the other two, or at least one of them first. and that most definately the physical love that i easily weigh so heavily is really not as important as i may like to think.

he refered to the satisfaction of this desire by relating it to a man's desire for cigarretes or wine. once the cigarretes are smoked, most definately the cardboard pack is thrown out and once the wine drunk, the bottle put in the trash.

that the satisfaction of this desire is just that, and really has nothing at all to do with love.

2005-08-12T14:44:00.000-05:00

the remarks of a poet suffering from a family member who may never 'get' it

'She'll buy five-page hallmark cards and think it's beautiful poetry until I'm dead and then place one on my grave.'

what's your familial disconnect?

thank you alanis

2005-08-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

how bout getting off of these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout greiving it all one at a time

...chorus...

the moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence yeah yeah
whooa whooa whooa...

i remember thinking in 7th grade, that with much passion, i understood what she was talking about.

i had no idea.

jeff buckley: beauty & depression

2005-08-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

when i listen to jeff buckley i am reminded of the me that found my home in sadness, sorrow and deep self-pity.

when i listen to jeff buckley i'm amazed at the ability God has to infuse one man with such astounding talent, passion, soul-shaking desperation and beauty.

his music paints pictures, and when i hear him weep as he sings i am reminded of the times when my soul hurt so badly that to drown it somehow would have been paradise for me.

i guess you could say i've changed. i think that i needed to live that time of my life to know what it meant to swim in darkness without hope of breath.

but hope is just what i have found-and sometimes i'm tempted to go back, there are days i miss the excruciating pain. like i'm missing out on something.

but i see now how real pain happens outside of me creating it-life, in fact, happens. relationships fall apart, family members hurt eachother, people's parents die, people get discouraged, peoples dreams don't happen. people get diseases, people go bankrupt, people get divorced. people's loved ones get killed in car accidents...

and i guess all i'm left with is: joy is an ok thing to feel. peace is also an ok thing. the season of deep introspection may have passed-only to return at a later date. but i guess when i was finally able to see the beauty that is outside of me...and how it's redemptive-i really don't wanna go back.

mike wolfe-a great guy from high school had this revelation several years before me. i saw him in borders book store and he was pickin up some cds. keep in mind this was the introspective, deep-thinking, intellectual, fun, but not too vulnerable kind of guy. he was pickin up a st. germain disc, some jazz fusion and a little rolling stones.

he said something i've never forgotten-at a wise 22 years old, 'i'm done with all that depressing shit-there's so much good stuff out there that actually inspires me.'

they say love hurts

2005-08-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

love won't play any games with you
anymore if you don't want it to

ryan adams

i'm starting to understand what it means to have false idols. and what if one of these idols is romantic love?

i have a friend who is involved in an abusive relationship. she lives with a 26 year-old boy (notice-not a man) that hits her, chokes her and threatens her life. he controls her money, spends her money, never does anything nice for her.

she had to call the cops on him lastnight because she was afraid for her life. she was afraid for her life and this wasn't the first time.

we talk all day about it-many days, how he doesn't deserve her, how she's tired of this life, how she's not sure God wants anything better for her.

despite all this, my friend is considering going back to him. she loves him. she believes he can change. she has hope for this.

these words, of course, immediately cause me anger that sprouts from compassion, sadness, pity for her, for her heart. but at the same time-God puts a mirror in front of my face and shows me how i have had a history of being just as dysfunctional. disbelieving His desire for my love journey just as much as my friend.

i have subjected myself to a different kind of abuse. one of hurtful words, lack of maturity, wanting men who were still boys, looking for my confidence and fulfillment in the eyes of men. boys who didn't love me with the love that flows from the Spirit of Truth.

all for the fear of being alone.

the old me would pray for my friend, that she would wake-up and realize that she was being foolish and the old me would call her crazy that she won't just leave him.

but i see now. i see how desperate our hearts are when we don't believe God and when we don't believe what He says about us as women. that we are beloved. that He wants us to know the truth about ourselves-the one that comes from communing with our creator. that our hearts are to be treasured and treated with kind, encouraging, life-breathing words. and what happens when we aren't healed from our pasts.

we find home in what we've always had. and for a lot of us, it's not God's best.

so i pray not only for sara, not only for myself, but for all women. that we be set free from the addiction that our world loves to make us believe will be our salvation.

outrageous

2005-08-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

it has been a very long time since i have used the word outrageous-but i am now going to use it to describe the new beck album. 'guero' is outrageous.
that man's mind & ideas and lyrics and compositions amaze me. genius.

mr. friedrich & my future

2005-08-04T09:01:00.000-05:00

this morning i stopped at a local coffee shope to pick myself up a cup of coffee--partially because this coffee shop not only serves great, rich, drip coffee, but a pecan roll that blows my mind.

this local coffee shop has these cute little quotes on the side of their recycled cups-hypothetically from people who may frequent Friedrich's. one quote is from a nature guy, one a business guy, the other, maybe an artist-can't remember. but the ONE cup I always end up with is the 'soccer mom' cup.

this morning I dredfully looked down @ my psuedo-styrofoam cup, once i got situated in my car & mourned the fact that i AGAIN got the soccer mom cup. what does this mean? it's literally been EVERY TIME--like probably a dozen times in the last 2 months.

is this my destiny?

is mr. friedrich trying to prepare me for something?

'My name is Connie.
I'm a Soccer Mom.
I'm up early. Dew and Dawn are my companions.
The morning is mine.
The world and the observer are fresh...cleansed by the night.
I'm at my best.
My mind is clear.
My '#1 MOM mug'...full.
Now is when I realize,
I truely deserve this moment with Friedrichs'

i believe God

2005-07-27T15:53:00.000-05:00

and i'm learning what a battle this is against myself & my past. but i think i'm learning how to do it-by how it feels.

it feels like i felt when i drove up highway 1 and pulled over to catch a picture of the sun setting-out in the vast sky that stretches itself just far enough to where it looks like it may disappear.

and i take my camera away from my eye and i close my eyes and i let my arms hang at my side, the smile comes and the warmth comes and a deep joy sits deep down.

i find myself lately not being afraid of dying. not wanting to die or being depressed. just finally believing God when He says not only do i get to live with Him here but that i get to meet Him when all this passes.

i had a talk the other day with a friend about the concept of heaven. and how it's so distorted. heaven is not harps or clouds or golden gates or anything in particular. it's forever with the eyes and ears and mouth and grasp of the One that formed me. not my earthly father or mother who were a part of the creation-

but the one who thought of me-the color of my eyes, my laugh, my body type, my desires, my dreams, my talents, my temper, the color of my hair & when it would go gray. the one that formed my sexuality & my passion & my sense of humor and my sensitivity.

and i'm finding myself believing Him when He says He loves me.

you want me
come on and break the door down
i'm ready

2005-07-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

this is a response i posted on someone else's blog early this morning...thought it portrayed well what i've been learning of love lately.
----
re: to valarene-the whole soul mate thing is only something our Father will ever understand, if it's even something he cares anything about.

at least this is my conclusion after finding what seemed more to be my soul mate than anyone else-as if he were once a part of me, a brother, a father, a past lover. so close i wanted so badly to be one with him. and then choosing to let him go because he was going down a different path from me.

i see you in your mother, christine. wow. gorgeous. love, i'm learning, is a supernatural thing, where our savior, if we're open, is the only one that can navigate just what that means. again, it's a dying to oneself. He wasn't kidding about that.

THAT-the dying to oneself, i believe is exactly when our true selves re-birth themselves. and that is where redemption sprouts up.

we die to our expectations, we die to our needs. we die to what we think we need.

only THEN can He surprise me (THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR SURPRISES) with true, unconditional, love. better, so much better, than i could have ever chosen.

AAAHH! 24

2005-07-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

the angst that accompanies my 20's is more powerful, i think, than that which ruled my teenage years.

sometimes i'm reminded that it's never going to be like this again.

simultaneously, i think that's why i'm so attracted to older men.

andrew mabe

2005-07-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

this is my new friend andrew. don't call him mabe. just don't. trust me.

i met him about 2 weeks ago and i'm seeing now he is an answer to a prayer i shouted to god while driving in my car.

i asked for a friend, a male friend, who is true. that is kind. of course intelligent and talented also so that i could see they all CAN go together.

and here he is. we can cuddle, we can talk about poo & farts. and about breast milk. his mom made his chocolate.

he opens the door for me and escorts me places. not all the time. just when he feels like it.

his fashion sense is impecable and his taste in music is refreshing. he knows his stuff and he doesn't care. he wants to know about me. and you. and that girl behind the counter making our drinks.

he likes chopsticks and he dreams of an asian, artistic woman with a brittish accent. his friends when he was growing up were god, music and himself.

now i'm the lucky one.

what you see is what you get

2005-07-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

there is this strange obsession of which i am a victim, with the person that seems to be hiding something.

someone might call this mysterious.

i coming to find it ridiculous.

i used to really love it.

ooooohh...he's not saying much, he must be extremely intelligent and passionate.

his thoughts must be intriguing and unique.

she's dark & weird-she must be cool-she must be the one to reveal truth & be able to unveil the cry of my soul.

maybe they're not thinking anything interesting at all. and they're scared to death to let us know.

myself-i'm noticing, i am wired to say exactly what comes into my head (most times) without much editing. most of the time it's stupid and immature & reveals too much of how insecure i really am-or maybe how desperate i find myself being.

recently i've wanted to be mysterious.

i'm finding that i just can't pull it off.

black & white

2005-07-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

i was graced with this picture from a friend of mine. it reminds me of how i love to take pictures & how i find myself constantly making excuses as to why i don't. my camera isn't cool enough. it doesn't have a zoom lense. it doesn't have enough megapixels. it's not a nikon. i don't go anywhere cool to take pictures.

i sometimes realize how sick i am of hearing my own excuses. sometimes i think my excuses are a part of me that i would be so afraid to let die. then i would be accountable for what i desire to do, but don't. i don't take pictures cuz i'm lazy and i'm sure that they will be lousy.

sensitive (cont.)

2005-07-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

thank you jesus for loving me with this love. dang. you are different.

i want to know more about the love of my Father.

i don't know how to love that way. and it's not even about persecution all the time. it's even just about not getting what i want-or my way. it's about getting my feelings hurt & my heart breaking and finding it somewhere to keep loving. and it's also that it's not just about me.

i do want a different kind of love.

sensitive

2005-07-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

i love hanging out with babies and children. i was holding my new baby neice, natalie, while swaying in a hammock, under a canopy of pine trees yesterday during the day of celebration of our independance and family.

and i realized that i love children so much because they're the real deal. their pretences have not been crafted, their posing capabilities have not been aquired. their defense mechanisms are not offensive.

they cry when they're sad, they laugh when they're happy, they whine when they don't get what they want. they sleep when they're tired. they seek hugs and kisses when they've been hurt.

i feel like i have been hurt a lot lately, by what people say, by what people don't say. by how people pose to be someone they are not, how they have the capability to say rude things, condisending and hurtful.

i am my mother's daughter. and i have only come to recently figure out how much i really am. she taught us from the womb that what comes out of a person's mouth, even how they say it, is very powerful, for good or bad.

and i realized that as i have boofed & said things that have hurt people's heart & self-image, i am more greived today for how powerful this really is. the things we say hold true, deep, life-changing power.

i feel misunderstood & judged and made fun of. it's weird for me. cuz it's a role i've never really had to fill. and as i was standing @ work this weekend, after having to deal with this guy & his bossy, rude attitude, i just about lost it. i just about said to God, 'ok God, i'm done. i'm done being kind, compassionate, understanding, watching what i say, trying to respect people & thier opinions. i'm done being nice & respectful. i'm done loving. i'm done caring. i'm giving in. i'm gonna do what they do. i'm going to build my walls high & wide. i'm gonna do what the world says is ok. because reality is, they are more powerful. and i feel more alone than ever in this pursuit of love.'

i miss my friend chanty today. she is shining example of unconditional love. i remember the day when i first met her. she was lit-up with life & love. she seriously caught my heart from the first interaction. she loves with her whole heart, her flesh, her bones, her hair, her eyes, her breath. she is my proof that loving hurts like hell & most of the time it's not returned. i remember when she proceeding to be shit on by stranger after stranger & i just didn't understand it. i thought, 'she's beautiful, she's alive, she has made me feel real & normal and worth really loving. how could anybody reject her & above all else treat her with anything less than total love & kindness & words that build her up.' i was angry & i didn't understand.

now i understand why she moved away from south carolina. now i understand why she cries more than most people & why she keeps on doing it over & over. loving, that is. loving strangers before they can prove her wrong.

she is in africa right now giving her life & her soul to even more strangers. she's learning and loving all the things that are unfimiliar to her, and i know she gets lonely. we write & we email occasionally but it's just not the same.

she may be one of the only people in my life that really understands the power of her words. she continues to teach me. maybe because her heart is soft like mine. she knows how much it hurts. she's a better person than me, though. she continues to put her heart on the chopping block. knowing that it will be scarred. i don't do this so easily. sometimes i think she'd rather die than not love with all she has.

i wish she was here to help me be strong. to help me know that it is good to love with all i have. that who i am is amazing & beautiful and worth respect, but i cannot always expect it. she makes me feel ok. i wish she could come home for just a little while so i could look into her beautiful, huge dark brown eyes, see her beautiful, huge white smile & squeeze her & stand & cry with her knowing that it's going to be ok.

i always call her my 'little chanty'-besides her being small in stature, she is the adult with the child's heart that i know i want to be. when i see her love i am reminded of jesus & the stories i read of his heart & his love & the crap he endured & how he could do nothing but continue to give & sacrifice his dignity & be obedient so far as to do what scared him the most. holy spirit, you are teaching me that i am a slave to being liked & understood. i am a slave to being affirmed & cared for with a love that most people have never seen or are too afraid to offer.

chicos

2005-06-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

my first picture on my very own blog. these are some of my friends from a little place named juarez. i still think about how sweet & sassy & talented they all were.

new job

2005-06-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

so does anyone know of a job position that is described as such:

Position: Professional Spender of Time with People

i was walking around downtown today, getting some fresh air and i crossed paths with so many people i would have loved to spend some time with.

either sit & say nothing. ask them questions. give 'em a hug. see where they're from. see if maybe we have anything in common.

but the problem is, i realized, that i have no time.

why? cuz i, like a lot of us humans, feel compelled to do. and since i'm so poor & somehow have accumulated too many bills for one 24 year old single woman, i spend most of this time working.

so i guess i've made a bit of a resolution that i am going to focus on being with people. seeing it as a priority. Lord help me.

pretty sure it's jesus's eyes and heart behind this inclination to do such simple stuff. and i'm thankful for the excitement he's given me to strole, breathe, and say hello. only he knows what will happen.

eavesdropper

2005-06-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

i'm such a snoopy little sally. what do i do when i'm bored & feeling snoopy? i go to my blog & i go up to the right hand corner & i hit the 'next blog' button over & over. there are some really cool and very weird people out there. what's weird, i guess, i don't know. sometimes people's humor is over my head. i'm ok with that.

but some people are just plain freaky.

got to have some fun tonight & made a card for my friend with some watercolors, cool paper and a glue stick. can one of you help me figure out how to do this for a living?

thanks.

pick your poison

2005-06-23T12:55:00.000-05:00

antidote

an·ti·dote

n.

1.A remedy or other agent used to neutralize or counteract the effects of a poison

my poison is my depression and crappy attitude.

my antidote is thankfulness.

'In his darkest hours he (st. francis of assisi) still walked the way of gratefulness, devoting himself to the highest form of giving-thanksgiving.'

-Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

gratefulness, he believes, is the ultimate act of trust-seeing that we can't really fully trust our God and that what He has for us is for our good, if we are not thankful for what has already been given. bad & good cuz it all brought us to where we are. right now.

salvation is enough

2005-06-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

the greatest reminder my God could have ever given me about simplicity was given to me while watching my favorite person in the whole world, my nephew

erich douglas-a.k.a. erock

last week i had the pleasure of hangin with him while mom went to a movie. why i love him and crave spending time with him is cuz he reminds me of what really matters-livin'.

so we're hangin out @ perkin's school playground and i spy him sittin in the sand diggin around-i go over to him and i notice he's got his feet buried and his legs are stubbs-so i'm like, 'hey, can i bury my feet too?' and he looks at me with this gaze of joy-wide eyed & mouth open a little- and is like 'YEAH!'

so i do so. and then i asked him, 'hey! now that we don't have any feet how are we gonna get around!?!?' and he's like, 'we'll hop!' yes. we would hop on our stubs.

then he proceeds to death-defyingly climb a jungle gym that was made for giant children (he's only 4) while his mother & i stand by but force ourselves to look the other way, knowing that we may FREAK if we know which limbs are hanging from which high place.

mom leaves & we start diggin again-and he's bumbed that he didn't bring his shovel. whine, whine, and i'm like, crap, we can't go back & get his shovel cuz if we do, it'll be dark before we know it-so i, being the genius that i am, was like 'hey, let's try to find something that will be our shovel.' not much luck there. finally we resorted to using my sandals. he loved it. and why? cuz he's a kid. and he's simple and he doesn't care about all the rediculous details that we do. AAAHH! i'm jealous.

then we're walkin back home and he looks up @ the sky while i'm knelt over putting on his shoe & he's like, 'look erica, the moon is out during the day!' sho nuf it was. 'jesus put it there-it's so pretty.'

yeah. that's what he said. he's a genius & a man that fears the Lord.

he proceeds to impress me with his simple faith and wide-eyed optimism. several times it made me cry for what i've lost.

he's four but his hands are still small enough to feel really special when he plays with my fingers when i'm reading him a book.

he's still short enough that he has to lean on my shoulders when i'm helping him put his pants on.

what i was left with was my last encounter of the evening. he swept himself off to bed (props to mom) in a obediant manner-and as i lay there with him, before i tucked him in, i asked if he wanted to pray. he sure did. 'thank you jesus for mom, for jessie, for erica, for kirt, for gramagrandpa gennie, for gramagrandpa tami, for daddy, for sean, for mariah, for sindey, for jess & kirt's baby.'

that's it. just thanks. and like one request for 'jesus watch over jess & kirt's baby'. his little soft hands folded in front of his tiny little lips.

i lost it.

and i realized that it's been so long since i've really given thanks, i needed to be taught again.

and he did.

sideways

2005-06-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

so i finally watched this movie all my cultured and intelligent friends raved about. i have several observations:

1) that balding character (miles i think is his name) was way too much of a bummer for me.
2) ironically he reminded me of myself on my self-pity days. ick.
3) he made me feel really good about my life
4) jack is way too tan
5) i love the scene about the pinot & why miles loves 'the pinot'& why mia loves wine. made me go pour a glass of my own. sniff, sip, swish, swallow. yes.
6) i loved the road signs & how they flashed the town name at the bottom of the screen-'hey! i've been there!'
7) didn't appreciate the raunchy sex blips
8) thought sevral times, 'that's EXACTLY how california is!!' the vineyards really look like that *they glow*
9) the experience of all day wine tasting is much like what miles experienced--a slow, but sure buzz turning into a warm drunk that you couldn't have avoided & cannot get rid of (the dinner scene portrayed perfectly a wine buzz-and the unfortunate realities of one)
10) can't decide if jack (forget real name) is a good actor or not.
11) i secretly loved all the hoity toity wine talk-it is pretty rad stuff and they are right IT IS *ALIVE*

but overall i was left feeling undecided about the whole thing-enjoyed myself but not overly inspired. not like i was when i watched 'divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood' or 'the sandlot'. now those make you wanna go out & live.

crossroads

2005-06-22T16:33:00.000-05:00

have you ever tried to 'figure out' your life only to be slapped in the face with what might actually be the path you were meant to go down? this i have done often. always thinking, alway scheeming. always planning something-only to be shown i was off-even just a bit. part of me thinks it's my nature, which in a way i feel strongly it is, as i have felt this way for as long as i've been alive.

then part of me thinks it's my flesh obsessed with 'the other side' the 'grass is greener'. this i'm sorting out with God.

but anyhoo just when i start to get all settled-down here in the DSM, i start to figure out my budget, how i'm going to strategize getting rid of my debt, how i'm going to get healthy, got some really righteous people to hang with, got myself a new ride, got a job that pays well, yada, yada, i get flipped upside-down with the possibility to pursue my dream.

that is:

working with college-aged folks at a campus ministry at a school in a town named columbia, south carolina.

now whether or not i'm even the most perfect fit for the job is still to be decided. what's also to be decided is if i want to leave my good paying job, for ministry wages, my plan to reduce my debt, my good friends, my family, my comfort. you get the picture.

so what would you do? would you take that leap? what would you pray for? i've prayed for all the different sides and now i'm prayed-out. thought that wasn't possible, but i think i might be, even for just a little while.

so is this offer an answer to my heart's prayer or is it a exit in the wrong direction, disguised as something i've been waiting so long for?