home alone

well not really alone, but with my mom & dad.
my mom & i have had the luxury to just sit around and chat over good food & wine, dark-chocolate chunk brownies, ice cream and chocolate macadamia coffee.

and people pay big bucks for someone else to come up with this for them.

j. is playing music at a private party tonight. making good money & probably having a blast doing so. i never used to want him to have fun while he was away from me. i'm a little bit more secure in our relationship these days.

i realized lastnight that i have lost my voice.

not my audible voice, but the voice of my heart. and all because i've been afraid. found myself wanting to impress, AGAIN, those that i liked a lot. maybe this year is the year i REALLY learn that who God has made me, what i think, and my experiences are really worth something. just like theirs are.

j. saw pictures of me with boys of the past. he admitted feeling a bit jealous. i understand this feeling. and i do wish that we could have known eachother back then. we could have started younger helping him feel comfortable in crowds and helping me finish a book.

we'll just have to play catch-up.

looking through old pictures i realize how much i and what i find important, has changed. i really used to love the big group thing. now it drains me. i used to really love 'having fun' rather than connecting. i used to think it was better to have more friends rather than good friends.

simultaneously i always knew there was something wrong.

it just wasn't ME.

now i tend to be a bit closed-off, weary of all the social gatherings that once seemed so appealing. i find ways to get out of obligations. chatting with women who won't go deep is the biggest annoyance to me.

looking at pictures of high school & college makes me thankful and reminds me that i like me now more than ever (partly due to getting rid of lame people in my life)

ps-if you have lame friends it's ok to say goodbye.