confessions of a control freak

it's ok. the Lord loves me despite the fact that i don't trust Him most of the time.

charting some frightening territory these days. love and future and trust and contentment and remembering to HAVE FUN!

unfortunately sometimes, being a Christian can be a real drag. that is, if you let the Spirit leave you and all you've got left is a bunch of lousy rules.

i need to go to California and breath some fresh headshop air.

i need to swim in Barton Springs naked.

i need to dress up, drink some cocktails and go dancing (i don't mean fancy dress-up, i mean costume dress-up)

i need to go to wine tastings and introduce myself to strangers.

spring is my favorite time of year, hands down. praise the Heavenly Lord for renewal and refreshment. i am stale and i have reached my expiration date.

i get so damn serious so easily! i chock it up to the fact that for so many years i was a floater and a flake and i came to a point where i said NO MORE! time for responsiblity and maturity!

i need balance.

i have rediscovered that i am crazy.
and i love it.

there was some time there i was insecure about it. then i realized i was getting too much advice from people who didn't appreciate me.

it says something that my soul mate is a short crazy asian woman who speaks Cambodian, Chinese and English and spends her days riding her bike over the Golden Gate Bridge and roaming through the forest.

i need to go see her.

i have limited my relationships lately and what's healing me is watching the snow melt and listening to the birds chirp and hearing the Lord say, 'HEY, today's a new day!'

update on other things:
getting ready to host a doula (labor assistant) training. reading all the time about vaginas and intervention and placentas and breasts and c-sections and homebirths and fenugreek and circumcision and comforting.

i have found my calling.
or at least one of them.
so if any of you out there are still wondering if you could find work that you love, (granted i'm only just now READING about this work) doubt no more!

i also decided that it will be a while before i do another intestinal cleanse. when i'm done all i want to do is eat bad food. cookies and ice cream and frozen pizza. it's that whole spirit of deprivation. me no likey.

my sis is getting ready to have another baby!! our prayer is that she will be able to go on her own, have a vaginal birth and leave the hospital ASAP. i think this new life & the priveledge i get of being her Doula (unofficially) is going to fill me up to overflowing.

be prepared to get splashed.