so i'm now officially 'out on my own'. (not really-no one is an island)
and sometimes it's quite lonely, sometimes it's really exciting. i like that i have my own bathroom off my bedroom (no worries of inappropriateness).

i cried a bit the other night cuz my roommate wasn't home when i got home.
i don't like returning to an empty apartment more times than not.
but i called my best friend in california. she always knows exactly what to say to make it better. and a lot of the time it's not what i thought i needed. she's coming to see me in may--i plan to parade her around.

had some good food & beer & nice conversation lastnight at 'el bait shop'. bazaar name but a tremendous selection of beer (my own indecisive nightmare) 'UUHH..I'LL TAKE ONE OF EACH!'

been spending time lately with a friend whose defenses are coming down. he smiles and laughs more. makes me want to hug him. he listens and asks questions. he chooses to be good to people. i'm finding it easier to rest in our friendship. i really didn't think that prayer and unconditional love were as powerful as i know them to be now. (his true self is being revealed)

i'm so thankful for my sister adriel and my dad today. they're both so different from me--and sometimes we don't get eachother, but i feel like them in my life has filled me with confidence & appreciation for our differences. and there is this gentleness that they've always used with me. loving me despite my eccentric ways & my naive arrogance. they're 2 of the smartest people i know and both so patient.

i think i want to spend my honeymoon in san francisco. for the food alone.
if you have not had dim sum late sunday morning you have not lived.
(my husband will get it)

then you called out

Psalm 107 (some of it)

1Oh, thank GOD-he's so good! His love never runs out.

2All of you set free by GOD, tell the world!

Tell how he freed you from oppression,

3Then rounded you up from all over the place,

from the four winds, from the seven seas.


4Some of you wandered for years in the desert,

looking but not finding a good place to live,

5Half-starved and parched with thirst,

staggering and stumbling, on the brink of exhaustion.

6Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to GOD.

He got you out in the nick of time;

7He put your feet on a wonderful road

that took you straight to a good place to live.

8So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.

9He poured great draughts of water down parched throats;

the starved and hungry got plenty to eat.


10Some of you were locked in a dark cell,

cruelly confined behind bars,

11Punished for defying God's Word,

for turning your back on the High God's counsel--

12A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy,

and not a soul in sight to help.

13Then you called out to GOD in your desperate condition;

he got you out in the nick of time.

14He led you out of your dark, dark cell,

broke open the jail and led you out.

15So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;

16He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors,

he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks!



17Some of you were sick because you'd lived a bad life,

your bodies feeling the effects of your sin;

18You couldn't stand the sight of food,

so miserable you thought you'd be better off dead.

19Then you called out to GOD in your desperate condition;

he got you out in the nick of time.

20He spoke the word that healed you,

that pulled you back from the brink of death.

21So thank GOD for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;

22Offer thanksgiving sacrifices,

tell the world what he's done--sing it out!

hello:

can any of you offer me some wisdom on what you know about 'being baptised in the Holy Spirit?'

i think i know what it means, and that i've experienced it, but i feel like i could be missing something big. i'd love to hear your stories.

~i'm off to do my research.

erica

dear bigbro:
you had better post soon.

dear keri:
i miss you & am praying that your finals go smoothly & as painless as possible.

dear angie:
i am so thrilled to hear you are going to be back in the states soon. i'm so proud to call you a friend.

dear chanty:
waaazup!?! get your booty here. now.

dear wade:
you are a great guy. i mean, like really rare.

dear matt:
i never thought you'd do it-but congratulations. i hope for good love for you.

dear jake:
i hope you & your soulmate are doing well. i better be getting a wedding invite soon.

dear adriel:
thanks for all your support. i'm so thankful that i not only love but like my older sister.

dear christine:
your friendship will be the reason i have an extremely healthy marriage.

dear kerry:
i am thrilled beyond definition for your future.

dear garrett:
thank you for starting a ministry that changes people lives.

dear julia:
i miss you & hope your little incubating one is doing well.

dear rachelle:
your honesty, soul and fearlessness presses me towards the undefinable which is our Savior.

dear jeremy:
your impressions are the best. i have so much fun with the kid in you.

dear heas:
you showed-up at the most perfect time. you are my reminder that my God provides not only my physical needs, but my soul needs.

dear b:
your children are beautiful & i'm so thrilled you get to create & be a mommy.

dear spencer:
i hope that you are doing well. i think of you & remember your laugh. it's an amazing one.

dear danny:
you still blow me away with how you are genuinely interested in other's lives.

dear paige:
i miss you & your children.

dear erin:
i think of you often. your gentlness & genuiness allowed me to rest when i was otherwise restless.

dear jason:
your passion for the light while wearing all black, and your ability to rock while worshiping still allows me to set my standards high.

dear tom:
you, your heart for the Lord changed me. thank you for your devotion.

dear brandy:
your simplicity and kindness allows me to be fully myself. i don't have conversations with many the way i do with you-and you are really funny.

dear jessica:
i love your sense of humor & your honesty. and how you like to do the same things as me. (you're hot)

today feels really good. fresh, green, a new start.
i'm so thankful for spring-it gives me an excuse to take crap to goodwill & start things over.
i'm moving people! in with a friend...to my most favorite neighborhood in des moines.
i'm looking forward to my front room, facing east-lots of windows.
also my antique bathtub & nook that i think i may turn into a prayer closet.

i haven't been focusing on His face lately. so distracted.
had 3 beautiful women pray for my heart lastnight.
HOW COULD I MAKE IT WITHOUT THESE PEOPLE?
i would probably just be really depressed & forgetful of my inheritance--the covenant.
did you know a covenant only is enacted after the one who makes it dies?
Jesus, there is so much more of you to know.

yesterday i felt the weight of spending money.
funny how i always thought it was so liberating.

I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO RIDE MY BIKE TO ZANZIBAR'S FOR COFFEE
(to all non-locals: the best coffee shop in dsm)

praise the Lord i am getting through chemistry.
give me this day my daily bread.
give me this day all the brains i need to understand this foreign language.
give me this day all the patience i need for the difficult ones.
give me this day all the love i can bear so that i don't strive for it.
give me this day all the beauty You can offer so i don't forget your glory.
give me this day all the time i need to listen to & chat with You.
give me this day all the trust i need so i don't start forging my own path.
give me this day all the confidence i need so that i see You in me.

dark nights
closed doors
eyes piercing
legs entwined
hearts thumping
lips and necks
hands and chests
passion & panting

and when i look back
all i can muster
is i'm sorry
for the distance
for the secrets
and what's more
true
is that in the midst
of my pleasure
there you were
loving and begging
me to just look up
and see your face
and your tears

because you missed me
and you knew
that later i would
see
and i would weep
for my passion for you
and for him
and my tears

not for the temptation
or the wrong
not for the separation
or the scars
but for the love