i see now what has kept me writing so little these past months is that i haven't really been sure what to say. haven't really been sure what to think. what is up from down, right from left.

regardless, there is a peace. and it's pretty much the only thing i'm holding onto.

i saw a good friend get married lastnight. that's always a lot of fun. i'm such a girl. i have always loved weddings. even the times i would go with my friends to their family friends' weddings. i didn't have a clue who the bride and groom were but inevitably, when they pronounced them 'man and wife' i'd cry every time. it really is a cool thing to see two people become one.

i have noticed, though, that i'm becoming less and less excited about the receptions. they all seem kinda crazy and somewhat the same. still trying to decide what my special day will look like. i'm pretty sure 'low stress' sums it up. but i don't find myself planning it in my head. that would psych me out a bit too much.

i'm loving working at campbell's more...i'm the official cleaning lady for all four locations. i can't stand dusty shelves. um...don't ask about my own dust in my own apartment, though. did you know that 90% of the dust in your house is shed skin???

i'm going to have a chocolate peanut butter malt tonight. i've been craving one for a week.

j. and i just talked about me making a list of what i like to do. he's better at sharing those things than i am. i usually just go with the flow and then after four months of very rarely getting to do the things that i enjoy with the person that i love, i start to forget about myself. he's helping that to not happen. really...we're very different from one another. and he has a very dominant personality. sometimes it's great & super attractive. sometimes it makes me feel like i'm not there.

all you readers out there, you are FUNNY! i just remembered all your comments about my honesty. i laugh. you ain't heard nothin. my mentor, connie always is just blown away by it. and what's funny (and i'm very thankful for) is the clan that i learned this from-(not honesty for shock value, but just honesty for the sake of it) blow me out of the water when it comes to speaking their truth. THEY WANTED TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO HEAR IT. my most dear friends are the ones who can do this. not because they have anything really profound to share or whatever, but just vulnerability. because i do think everyone thinks really original thoughts but they are so afraid to discover this because it takes the risk of 'well maybe i don't have anything interesting to share'...

i don't give a crap if it's interesting. i spent too many years surrounding myself with people who were trying so damn hard to be interesting, their recycled ideas about buried me alive. all their speculations and grand ideas about how to create world peace & feed all the starving children. it's all a bunch of crap. (sorry, maybe i spent too many years in the sociology classroom)

just tell me what's on your heart. and cut the crap. (i'm sick of that too) don't hide it in cynicism or metaphors. (i know you're trying to cover something up)

ok now for the loving part of my message: you are a stunning creation. what you think and feel is interesting. i'm sorry you've been shut-down by the crappy things of this world. but there is a safe place. you can be honest. you can be vulnerable. you can be heard. maybe not fully understood, but don't strive for that.

this post is for keri-i'm sorry i'm such a bad friend. i miss the heck out of you.

it's weird these days, i find myself unsure of what to say, so i appologize that i have been out of contact with the world. i miss my little blog community.

being in a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 weeks is something absolutely brand-new and sometimes frightening to me. i think i've told you all of this before, but most days i feel like running. it takes all the faith i have to stay. because i do love him. but it's just not easy all the time, like so many people say it is.

i've been scared to admit it hasn't been easy. i've been scared to admit that i have doubts. but this is no different. i've always been scared or had doubts for one reason or another. so then i start to worry if it's really me. (i have no disillusions that it's at least partly me) but what if i'm really screwed-up? or what if *gasp* it's not right?

j & i are very good friends. we enjoy a lot of the same things. we have similar senses of humor. we both love the Lord. we both love to be creative. we both really love family and want our future families (or family) to have the same characteristics. he & my dad really connect on a creative level. he & my mom on a heart level (of course, this is tami we're talking about) i really connect with most all of his family, first his father and then his brother-in-law (wazzzup a-dawg)and of course now his sister. (i'm pretty sure she's my soulmate)

marriage still excites and scares me. and i feel like there is something 'off' lately. there is a fear factor that is keeping me from getting too excited about a future with j. i mean, in my brain i think it would be a great thing, but something isn't there in my heart. and this scares me cuz i love him a ton. have for a long time. so i'm thinking maybe it's protection for now (cuz he's not ready for the big 'm') this lack of hastiness keeping me focused a day-at-a-time.

anyhoo-finishing up my summer class (KILLER!!) and off to work my butt off for a while. i've been reminded recently that debt is actually something the bible warns us against and somthing we should stay away from for our own good. do you feel that debt is morally wrong? some people believe it is. i'm starting to feel the ramifications. BUT-(praise the Lord) if we believe Him, that He provides for us, if i set out on this goal to rid myself of this baggage, He will bless me with resources. this is about all i know. and having recently been back in the world of school, i see how easy it is for me to keep barrowing & barrowing. not only burying myself but also my future & any spouses or family along the way.

peace out!
e