this post is for keri-i'm sorry i'm such a bad friend. i miss the heck out of you.

it's weird these days, i find myself unsure of what to say, so i appologize that i have been out of contact with the world. i miss my little blog community.

being in a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 weeks is something absolutely brand-new and sometimes frightening to me. i think i've told you all of this before, but most days i feel like running. it takes all the faith i have to stay. because i do love him. but it's just not easy all the time, like so many people say it is.

i've been scared to admit it hasn't been easy. i've been scared to admit that i have doubts. but this is no different. i've always been scared or had doubts for one reason or another. so then i start to worry if it's really me. (i have no disillusions that it's at least partly me) but what if i'm really screwed-up? or what if *gasp* it's not right?

j & i are very good friends. we enjoy a lot of the same things. we have similar senses of humor. we both love the Lord. we both love to be creative. we both really love family and want our future families (or family) to have the same characteristics. he & my dad really connect on a creative level. he & my mom on a heart level (of course, this is tami we're talking about) i really connect with most all of his family, first his father and then his brother-in-law (wazzzup a-dawg)and of course now his sister. (i'm pretty sure she's my soulmate)

marriage still excites and scares me. and i feel like there is something 'off' lately. there is a fear factor that is keeping me from getting too excited about a future with j. i mean, in my brain i think it would be a great thing, but something isn't there in my heart. and this scares me cuz i love him a ton. have for a long time. so i'm thinking maybe it's protection for now (cuz he's not ready for the big 'm') this lack of hastiness keeping me focused a day-at-a-time.

anyhoo-finishing up my summer class (KILLER!!) and off to work my butt off for a while. i've been reminded recently that debt is actually something the bible warns us against and somthing we should stay away from for our own good. do you feel that debt is morally wrong? some people believe it is. i'm starting to feel the ramifications. BUT-(praise the Lord) if we believe Him, that He provides for us, if i set out on this goal to rid myself of this baggage, He will bless me with resources. this is about all i know. and having recently been back in the world of school, i see how easy it is for me to keep barrowing & barrowing. not only burying myself but also my future & any spouses or family along the way.

peace out!
e