i love women

now don't get me wrong. don't take this as some 'coming out' blog post. i am just saying, i really do love women.

why? do you ask...

as i think about all the relationship issues i've had over the years, all the less-than-satisfying male relationships i've had, all the broken hearts and lack of communication and the leading on and the misunderstanding, i find myself perplexed.

i am perplexed because the women in my life are AMAZING. and i don't mean just amazing, like they lend me awesome clothes or invite me to their parties or buy me cool birthday presents. i mean AMAZING.

they challenge me, they inspire me, they motivate me, they refine me. they know me, they ask me, they pray for me and with me, they write me letters. they burn me cds and pick me flowers for no particular reason. they send me uplifting books and music and tell me that i'm beautiful. they remind me of what i deserve and who i am. they teach me, they encourage me and they let me rest.

they laugh with me, dance with me, talk about Jesus with me. they give me foot massages and brush my hair and rub my back. they tell me the truth and they tell me that anything is possible.

they teach me how to write and paint and knit. they teach me how to cook and garden.

they drink wine with me and roam the local farmer's markets and let me hold their babies.

now please understand, i like boys, i like men even better. and many of the messes in a lot of my relationships were caused by no one other than myself.

but there is something about a beautiful woman.

this is just a shout-out to my favorite women-you make my days hopeful and bearable.

chanthy an
sarah smith
heather thill
liz bierma
adriel lage
wilson diehl
tami lage
connie johnson
brooke foster
jescica lage
keri sukowatey
christine eggers
julia curry

*a slice of heaven for me? all of you in the same town for one weekend. dangerous*

LOVe

detour

well ladies and gentlemen, there is finally an update on my blogsterooni about my love life.

i guess i should have known when i told him i had started 'for the heck of it' a blog and he could not have seemed less interested in anything to do with something resembling the explanations of the goings-on of my life.

i guess i should have known when i laughed really hard at something i thought humorous, i think it was a farting noise, he said matter-of-factly, "it's not THAT funny". no laugh-no smile-nothing.

i guess i should have known when i started to tell him about my drive up the central coast, the lovely Hwy 1, and he started to sing along to the song playing in his car.

i realized there is something wrong when i surround myself with men that are highly attractive on the outside but lack what i need on the inside. i'm like a moth to the dysfunctional flame.

but what i realized on a short road trip this weekend is

*poof*

i don't have to do this anymore.

and so i did something i've never done. i made my list of my 'needs' and my 'wants' in the man that i would some day spend my life with. history shows i catered more predominately to the 'wants' and not the 'needs'. paper and pen don't lie.

how could i be so clueless about what is good for me?

so i'm not turning around to go back, or cutting any sharp corners, but i'm veering. i feel like it's slightly to the right...just enough in a different direction that i would have a different view and i would feel new. like i've never been here before.

how the sky turns to fire
against the telephone wire
and even i'm getting tired
of useless desire

i think jesus' aura is orange

au·ra

n. pl. au·ras or au·rae (ôr)

1. An invisible breath, emanation, or radiation.

i know the concept of aura to some people is just quack craziness but i'm telling you, i feel the spirit of the living God in the deep, dark, auburn glow of the sunset.

for me to poop on

ahhh the sweet smell of the dark side & the pungent aroma of star wars nerds.

www.thecollicotts.com/triumph-starwars.wmv

the gospel on monday morning

Thoughts of Mr. STRAUB:

I think it's immoral that people are starving to death.
I think it's immoral that so many people are living on the streets.
I think it's immoral that our lives are so centered on acquiring more things when quite clearly the gospel has a totally different message.
It's about caring for each other.

i ran across this story on pbs.com, Religion & Ethics. Interesting life-story of a man who has given up everything for his mission and his "obsession" with helping the poor.

the older i get the more i realize how burdonsome it is to keep track of all the things i acquire. i notice that shopping has even lost it's luster as i look @ my closet which is full of clothes i don't want to wear. i wish i could give them all away & alternate 3 outfits throughout the week.

i spend so many hours staring into my closet.

part of this is because at my core i am a creative person and feel a need to express that in EVERYTHING i do during the day, including clothing and decorating myself. i love color and creativity and beauty. but sometimes i wonder how much of that God gives a rip about. But then again He created all that is beautiful...and He is THE creative mastermind...

so i'm torn, can you tell? freedom for me is detatchment from things that don't bring joy. all the things you can't take with you. and a good friend of mine says all the time, the most important part of life is relationships. it's all about our relationships.

you mean it's really not about my car or my job or my hairdo or my travels or my bank account or my wasteline or even what i do to make myself look spiritual? what about my home or my 401K or my ego?

the gospel is powerful and penetrating and hard to swallow. but it's freedom and joy and release. mr. straub said wisely, "Happiness isn't measured by how much you can acquire, you know. I think it's maybe how much you can let go of."

whatchu need girl?

my mom says i need someone that makes me laugh.
my sister jescica says i need someone who loves children.
my sister adriel says i need someone who isn't difficult.
my father says i need someone who can understand the heart of a woman who is an exact replica of his wife.
my dear friend christine says i need a someone that has to have me and only me.
my friend brooke says i need someone that will pursue me.
my friend chanty says i need a good white christian boy.
my friend brendon says i need someone who can tolerate my emotional explosions.
my friend sarah says i need someone that can help me relax.
my friend wilson says i need someone who is beautiful and talented and doesn't have a wife.
my friend austin says i need someone that will rock my world.
my friend kelle says i need a man who has a nice car & his own house.
my friend liz says i need someone who can get dirty, paint a picture and write me a song all in a day's work.
my friend julia says i need a man who will lead me.
my friend gretchen says i need a man who will agree to disagree.
my friend deana says i need a man who will take me beautiful places.

i think i need a man who inspires beauty and loves to laugh.
i think i need a man who welcomes a challenge and loves to learn.
i think i need a man who is ready to go.
i think i need a man who has hair everywhere but his head.
i think i need a man who cries enough to prove he is real but not too much to compromise his manhood.
i think i need a man who likes to sweat.
i think i need a man who understands what i mean by "me" time.
i think i need a man who is motivated to prove his love.
i think i need a man who is kind to children, old people and retail sales clerks.
i think i need a man who wants to learn spanish and salsa and how to make bread.
i think i need a man who cares about how we design our home.
i think i need a man who takes pictures or at least enjoys the ones i take.
i think i need a man who respects his body & his health.
i think i need a man who repents.
i think i need a man who risks telling me the truth.
i think i need a man who isn't afraid.
i think i need a man who does things that scare him.
i think i need a man who chops things down and builds things with this hands.
i think i need a man who desires to see me fufilled.
i think i need a man who knows that only my Heavenly Father truely fufills.
i think i need a man who believes.
i think i need a man who is inspired by beauty and nature.
i think i need a man who loves to ride in cars and listen to music.
i think i need a man who tolerates my snobbiness for food, wine and movies.
i think i need a man who holds my face when he kisses me.
i think i need a man who is free.

rain & thunder

a moment worth sharing from a dear friend of mine:

So last night was awesome. I was laying in bed reading, and it was this crazy thunderstorm of course. I was reading Wild at Heart, and so many of the things I was reading were really touching me. I was just feeling God's presence in a way I hadn't ever before. It was really calm and intimate and personal. It wasn't one of those overwhelming moments where you break down crying or anything. It was just kind of a calm wave that came over me, and what's funny is that even though it wasn't near as emotional or dramatic as some moments have been in the past, it was so much more REAL. It was amazing. I had been praying hard the last few days for God to build up my faith and to rid me of my unbelief, because there was a chapter about that in Praying God's Word, and I realized that I have always believed IN God, but not always BELIEVED Him. I think He knew that I needed him to show Himself to me in a way that would comfort and feel real to me, and not in some earth shattering way, because sometimes those feelings fade. But when you feel Him right next to you, it's hard to explain. It's like he's touching your heart in the way only He knows. It was just very calming and reassuring - it was great.

peace

so i realized sunday night that i miss little e. little ecca. she was free and fun and confident. she had long shiny dark-brown hair, soft cheeks and a smile that was coy and silly. she loved riding bikes and making chocolate chip cookies with her mom. she watered plants and did jazzercise. not perfectly, of course. she sat in her dadddy's lap and jump-roped till her feet were sore. and she had this catapillar that wrapped itself in a cacoon and became this scary, ugly monster of a moth. it still gives her the heebees to think about it. and she was sad cuz she was hoping it'd be a beautiful butterfly.

i don't think it's too late for me to want a part of littl e back. and there is a peace, that in fact, contrary to popular opinion, this is the true me.

ok. got it

so i learned my lesson lastnight about latex paints vs. oil. wow. what a difference. oil is such a pain in my you know what. and thanks to my trusty-dusty painter friend liz, i have found a new friend in the latex medium. i am curious though, i if i can find a second-hand store for canvases. they aren't cheap. and i'm cheap. most of the time. except when it comes to shoes, things that go in my mouth & the things that touch my skin.

can i make a plug for a fabulous magazine that inspires my multi-media painting events? ode. i think it's written in sweden or somewhere far-away & sweet. but the colors and the design and the photographs. very inspiring. not to mention the writing is pretty smart & diverse.

monday monday

just checking in. figuring out how this thing works. those dots up there are sweet. whoever designed this template is cool.