the waiting
the waiting is the hardest part
every day you see one more card
you take it on faith, you take it to the heart
the waiting is the hardest part
tom petty
man. 'lady in waiting'. never read the book & really don't want to-but whose title all too well describes this lurking feeling i get a lot where my arrival is just around the corner.
just
around
the corner
and then i catch myself watching kids play in fountains, wishing i had my camera. co-workers and myself having a really good laugh at stupid emails & sounds coming from construction under us that sound like very painful gas. and i'm fine.
my plight in life is that i want a lot.
and at the same time i yearn for only a few seemingly unattainable things.
a very good friend of mine constantly has to remind me that i will never arrive. did you hear that?? we will never arrive. not here on this big ball of a planet.
so what am i waiting for?
i guess i've had to realize over and over that i'm waiting to lay in the arms of my Savior.
all this stuff right now is really nice. the babies that smell like skin and love and mama's milk. really good music. chocolate suffles. scripture. kissing. holding cats while they purrrrr and crave your affection. revalations from the Holy Spirit. reading stories outloud. swimming outside.
and i guess some people might say, 'that erica, she really just needs to find some peace.' my problem is is that while i know peace and know love, deep life-altering love, i crave completion. completion of my soul being united with the one it was made to be with.
and that's all i have to say about that.
posted by e. rene @ 3:04 PM
2 Comments:
I think the reason why people are so concerned about you finding peace is mostly because they feel as though, if you aren't really satisfied here on earth, then they shouldn't be either. And that if they are, they are somehow simple or just don't get it. I know personally I don't have the same feelings that you do, but does that mean that my faith is any less or that I am any less worthy of a relationship with Christ? I don't know. I think that people are drawn to you, and if you put out a feeling of dissatisfaction, they feel as though you are not satisfied with their friendship. But really, they just aren't understanding what you're saying. I get that you are totally psyched for what's to come. And I know that you love many of the things here in this life. Just remember you've got many more years left (God willing), and don't ever stop finding things to love here, just to get you by until you go to the Real Place.
sis-
you are wise. and you are right. my biggest fear & at the same time, what i care least about, is what other people may think. cuz honestly it's hard enough to try to figure out what i think.
but very recently i figured out what my problem is. this whole concept of 'gratefulness' has really been plaguing me. am i really grateful? i think so. but maybe not as much as i ought to be or that would give me the gift of real joy.
i also struggle cuz i feel as though the way i was made was made for deeper communion with people, which i feel very rarely happening. and that's something you can't force. but i still feel at a loss.
i cry a lot. less than i used to. but i want more. and when i unite with those same kinds of people-that is when i know i'm not crazy. it's a supernatural thing. in the meantime my savior knows (and most my family) that i'm not crazy. i'm just erica.
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