we wanted to find love
we wanted success
until nothing was enough
til my middle name was excess

pj harvey

i've been operating with these lyrics as my anthem for probably about 10 years now. 'all or nothing' used to be my MO and now i'm just tired. i'm tired of not resting and not breathing and not being willing to really learn. part of learning too is putting your heart out on the line knowing that it could be ripped out and snapped in half and i'd be forced to stare at it's unclear border on the ground through my tear-filled eyes.

lastnight i got home from my good friend's house and ran into the backyard and fell to my knees and cried out to my God to release me from the hell of my expectations. i always wanted to save the world. i always wanted to adopt a child from africa. i always have wanted a great husband and amazing children. i always wanted to 'do something big'.

i'm realizing that He is there, in all things, truely. and if i acknowledge that, it is the power of His Risen Son that make things life changing or 'big' perhaps.

it just doesn't get me the attention i've always been so hungry for.

so maybe i let go, and let love and success find me while i have fun reading The Hobbit, making jewelry and dancing hard with friends.