i believe God

and i'm learning what a battle this is against myself & my past. but i think i'm learning how to do it-by how it feels.

it feels like i felt when i drove up highway 1 and pulled over to catch a picture of the sun setting-out in the vast sky that stretches itself just far enough to where it looks like it may disappear.

and i take my camera away from my eye and i close my eyes and i let my arms hang at my side, the smile comes and the warmth comes and a deep joy sits deep down.

i find myself lately not being afraid of dying. not wanting to die or being depressed. just finally believing God when He says not only do i get to live with Him here but that i get to meet Him when all this passes.

i had a talk the other day with a friend about the concept of heaven. and how it's so distorted. heaven is not harps or clouds or golden gates or anything in particular. it's forever with the eyes and ears and mouth and grasp of the One that formed me. not my earthly father or mother who were a part of the creation-

but the one who thought of me-the color of my eyes, my laugh, my body type, my desires, my dreams, my talents, my temper, the color of my hair & when it would go gray. the one that formed my sexuality & my passion & my sense of humor and my sensitivity.

and i'm finding myself believing Him when He says He loves me.

you want me
come on and break the door down
i'm ready