ok-so i promise i don't only think about boys. i swear there is more to me. i just love interesting & beautiful things!! and usually boys fit quite nicely into that category. i also like food & books & cutting open cats & horseback riding & standing in the sun. and i REALLY like the fact that i have a whole house to myself right now---dogsitting for the sis.

was quite emotional yesterday. was missing my out-of-state friends. why have they been taken from me? my goal is to pump-up des moines with enough energy and interest that they'll all come flocking back. erica! how come you never told us dsm was so RAD!?!?!

when it was sunny & warm yesterday i felt like myself. (i belong on the coast)

had a thouroughly enjoyable time lastnight learning about the connections between parts of the book of exodus & hebrews/2nd corinthians. i've got some scriptual meat & potatoes to chew on now for a couple weeks.

Moses was the dude! Pharoah was a meany. (God hardened his heart)

"please" do not put unwanted clothing items on the "floor"

we do not have access to a "public" restroom

...these signs i found today while second-hand shopping...

i found a new location to pick-up boys-'new asian city market'. i just roamed the isles while listening the the rapid, non-stop, high-pitched asian chatter coming out of the mouths of the cashier & customers. i miss san fransisco & the an's. (chanty's family)

i have a thing for asian/american boys.
chanty tried to hook me up with her brother sok even after he was engaged.
we're just friends.

so there he was, dark skin, huge smile, grey hat, black fleece, camouflage pants, black combat boots. speaking chinese with his father. i stared at him-then tried to act nonchalant, waited for him to speak chinese again. left the store. he came out a few minutes later--i was standing by the curb waiting to cross..looked behind me & we smiled at each other.

he looked like one of those people that would be interesting to talk to.
it is SO REFRESHING to be reminded that there are different kinds of people out there.
sometimes i forget.

today i am aware, moreso than i have been in a long time, of how needy i am.
i've got some new friends in my life these days and as gracious as they are with their time & hearts, i still feel like i'm always wanting more.

i figure that i love to spend so much time with them because they remind me of all my dearest friends along the journey----all the ones who do not live here & share my daily life with. i see them as an answer to prayer, but there are moments when my insecurity says they see me as a charity case.

is insecurity a sin? it makes me feel like an addict.

today i finished my cat dissection. absolutely enthralling. but the smell was slightly unbearable this time around. couldn't take too much slicing of veins, arteries or fatty tissue.

i think i need a night out. with dancing, definitely.

why is it that i can't seem to concentrate lately? and the two things that have got me distracted are 1) how to get to see my friends in south carolina and 2) marriage. i'm hitting the place where i feel i'm ready for that best friend and i to meet & get on with life. get on with our ministry together, as a team. i really am so envious of those that are married & can do that often. i want that so bad. my new friends have reminded me that this purpose is the most exciting & rewarding one.

i have discovered a new/old music favorite.

bruce cockburn.

many of you have probably already heard him & perhaps adore him. my father has been telling me about him for years. i've listened briefly, but never LISTENED. he's brilliant. and he's heartfelt. hard to find the combination these days. 'isn't that what friends are for?' absolutely rattled me to my core. i love how this man can put into words just what i didn't know i was feeling.

album title: 'breakfast in new orleans, dinner in timbuktu'

i'm finding it hard right now to talk to God much at all.

or to hear Him.

i'm left with what He told me some months ago.

'your obedience alone will be the catalyst for their healing & salvation'

i think, now, it's my healing & salvation He's talking about.

and isn't it interesting, that now it's harder than ever for me to be obedient.

i don't want to be a part of the 'big' church thing ever again.

maybe the Lord will change my mind.

but i've only ever felt tired, unprepared, not disciplined enough, lacking, hunting for the right thing to say.

i know this is probably more my doing than theirs.

coming up out of a deep hole of confusion. only to re-learn what i've been taught several times before.

my Heavenly Father created me just the way i am supposed to be.

did you know your heart can offer me freedom & my heart can offer you freedom, if we just let each other?

1) even if we think we have nothing to offer
2) even if we're scared to death
3) even if we've attempted it before & we came away scarred?
4) even if some of those around us who say they know Jesus have not allowed us to be us, at this very moment

Jesus reminded me the other afternoon as i was learning about muscle tissue
... 'hey-do you remember that time when you went to california?' and i said yes, and to my response, He reminded me in only the way He can that to some people this looked reckless & immature & not seeking His will for my life.

while others supported me. they knew i needed to do this. they exercised faith.

i have a dear friend right now that is doing something similar.

he's following his dreams. he's doing what he loves.

this is a small timeline of the feelings i've gone through in relation:
1) great! i'm so excited for you!
2) good...but don't get too carried away
3) you're not really serious, are you?
4) wait, wait, wait, you do see what this is doing to your heart?
5) you've got to be kidding me. now this is just embarrassing
6) ~fighting back tears~ this life is killing him.
7) he is surrounding himself with darkness & death & it's going to overtake him
8) this is all too much, if i think about it one more day it might kill me
9) he's basically acting out all his rebellious desires that i got out of the way 10 years ago
10) it pains my heart to see him doing what he's doing
11) he's settling for mediocrity
12) he's addicted to the attention
13) he's never going to come out of this
14) he's going to come out of this
15) he's never going to come out of this
16) the Lord loves him more than i ever could
17) pray for open ears and heart so that he would hear his Father's voice
18) it hurts too much to care
19) it hurt Him a lot to care
20) i think this love might kill me
21) Christ died for the love of me
22) ...lots of crying...
23) asking God to show me how to love selflessly
24) 'give me this day my daily bread'
25) sacrificing control at the altar AGAIN
26) love POURED OUT on my life
27) rest

thank you Lord for my mistakes, my shallow depth of sight.

thank you Lord for my misconceptions of love & life.

thank you Lord for my imperfection & judgmental heart.

thank you Lord for my lack of discipline & selfishness.

it's when i forget about these things that i am unable to love deeply.

when did it become about fixing ourselves?

i cannot see my connection to other souls if i'm all fixed-up.

i pray that not only my friend runs quickly & excitedly into your arms once he remembers your middle name is Freedom.

but that i could be there with him.

beware

so going back to school has brought with it many things i was not expecting. but one of them is really disturbing.

about every other day i am in the computer lab checking my email and literally every time i've done this, i have glanced over and caught some guy looking at soft porn.

every single time.

now the problem with this is multi-faceted. not only does it totally offend me, but the scariest part of it all is that it's usually displayed on people's own 'myspace' account.

it's gotten out of control.

i'm watching this kid hunched over in his seat click, click, click on ALL OF THESE HALF-NAKED, IF NOT TOTALLY NAKED GIRLS!

the only redeeming factor-which i'm not sure this qualifies-is that he's doing it here, instead of in his room doing you know what.

i'm so freaking sheltered.

and i'm so overwhelmingly thankful that while my high school guy friends had probably seen a playboy at least once in their life or had the unfortunate opportunity to see a pornographic film---(i'm not dilusional about how available these things were/are)---i know the internet was not as active in this category.

AAAAHHHHH he just clicked on a picture of a girl from the ground-up, wearing nothing!!!!

and you know what? it makes me ashamed to be female, when i catch glimpses of these ridiculous spectacles. maybe there is no difference between a paid pornstar and a teenage girl taking her clothes off & putting them on the 'net, but something inside me feels certain it's worse.

my heart breaks cuz i know how fleshly i am, and i cannot imagine being male. i cannot imagine it at all & Lord help them, it is way too easy (and getting increasingly more easy) for them to satisfy their appetites.

why would they ever want a real relationship if they could see everything they ever wanted?

and as i sit here thinking about the ickiness and the compromising of our purity this all promotes, i am trying to find something/someone to blame.

but then, as a good friend of mine said simply & poignantly the other night (when speaking of the debacles of our ancestors in the book of genesis & the struggles of current life) 'it happens because of the fall'

and i think that alone, while it's not a 'simple' answer, it encapsulates all the issues (lack of love, lust, selfishness, neediness, insecurity, ego, abuse, misuse, mistrust, ignorance, fear, hatred, anger, sadness, depression, loneliness)

separation from God.

it's bazaar, some days, being a 25 year-old virgin. (make a movie out of that one, while you're at it) cuz the truth is, the Lord has protected me beyond belief. trust me, it is not that i have not struggled...OH LORD. but even way-back then in high school when it was starting to become cool, He just reassured me (and ironically somewhat through peer pressure) that it wasn't worth it. MAN, HE SPARED ME.

i can do nothing without Christ Jesus.

i'm not letting my kids ever have a tv or a computer or a cell phone & i'm screening all of the movies they watch & i'm going to follow them around like a stalker whenever they go out with boys or girls.

or i guess i could just pray fervently.