beware

so going back to school has brought with it many things i was not expecting. but one of them is really disturbing.

about every other day i am in the computer lab checking my email and literally every time i've done this, i have glanced over and caught some guy looking at soft porn.

every single time.

now the problem with this is multi-faceted. not only does it totally offend me, but the scariest part of it all is that it's usually displayed on people's own 'myspace' account.

it's gotten out of control.

i'm watching this kid hunched over in his seat click, click, click on ALL OF THESE HALF-NAKED, IF NOT TOTALLY NAKED GIRLS!

the only redeeming factor-which i'm not sure this qualifies-is that he's doing it here, instead of in his room doing you know what.

i'm so freaking sheltered.

and i'm so overwhelmingly thankful that while my high school guy friends had probably seen a playboy at least once in their life or had the unfortunate opportunity to see a pornographic film---(i'm not dilusional about how available these things were/are)---i know the internet was not as active in this category.

AAAAHHHHH he just clicked on a picture of a girl from the ground-up, wearing nothing!!!!

and you know what? it makes me ashamed to be female, when i catch glimpses of these ridiculous spectacles. maybe there is no difference between a paid pornstar and a teenage girl taking her clothes off & putting them on the 'net, but something inside me feels certain it's worse.

my heart breaks cuz i know how fleshly i am, and i cannot imagine being male. i cannot imagine it at all & Lord help them, it is way too easy (and getting increasingly more easy) for them to satisfy their appetites.

why would they ever want a real relationship if they could see everything they ever wanted?

and as i sit here thinking about the ickiness and the compromising of our purity this all promotes, i am trying to find something/someone to blame.

but then, as a good friend of mine said simply & poignantly the other night (when speaking of the debacles of our ancestors in the book of genesis & the struggles of current life) 'it happens because of the fall'

and i think that alone, while it's not a 'simple' answer, it encapsulates all the issues (lack of love, lust, selfishness, neediness, insecurity, ego, abuse, misuse, mistrust, ignorance, fear, hatred, anger, sadness, depression, loneliness)

separation from God.

it's bazaar, some days, being a 25 year-old virgin. (make a movie out of that one, while you're at it) cuz the truth is, the Lord has protected me beyond belief. trust me, it is not that i have not struggled...OH LORD. but even way-back then in high school when it was starting to become cool, He just reassured me (and ironically somewhat through peer pressure) that it wasn't worth it. MAN, HE SPARED ME.

i can do nothing without Christ Jesus.

i'm not letting my kids ever have a tv or a computer or a cell phone & i'm screening all of the movies they watch & i'm going to follow them around like a stalker whenever they go out with boys or girls.

or i guess i could just pray fervently.