i believe God

and i'm learning what a battle this is against myself & my past. but i think i'm learning how to do it-by how it feels.

it feels like i felt when i drove up highway 1 and pulled over to catch a picture of the sun setting-out in the vast sky that stretches itself just far enough to where it looks like it may disappear.

and i take my camera away from my eye and i close my eyes and i let my arms hang at my side, the smile comes and the warmth comes and a deep joy sits deep down.

i find myself lately not being afraid of dying. not wanting to die or being depressed. just finally believing God when He says not only do i get to live with Him here but that i get to meet Him when all this passes.

i had a talk the other day with a friend about the concept of heaven. and how it's so distorted. heaven is not harps or clouds or golden gates or anything in particular. it's forever with the eyes and ears and mouth and grasp of the One that formed me. not my earthly father or mother who were a part of the creation-

but the one who thought of me-the color of my eyes, my laugh, my body type, my desires, my dreams, my talents, my temper, the color of my hair & when it would go gray. the one that formed my sexuality & my passion & my sense of humor and my sensitivity.

and i'm finding myself believing Him when He says He loves me.

you want me
come on and break the door down
i'm ready

this is a response i posted on someone else's blog early this morning...thought it portrayed well what i've been learning of love lately.
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re: to valarene-the whole soul mate thing is only something our Father will ever understand, if it's even something he cares anything about.

at least this is my conclusion after finding what seemed more to be my soul mate than anyone else-as if he were once a part of me, a brother, a father, a past lover. so close i wanted so badly to be one with him. and then choosing to let him go because he was going down a different path from me.

i see you in your mother, christine. wow. gorgeous. love, i'm learning, is a supernatural thing, where our savior, if we're open, is the only one that can navigate just what that means. again, it's a dying to oneself. He wasn't kidding about that.

THAT-the dying to oneself, i believe is exactly when our true selves re-birth themselves. and that is where redemption sprouts up.

we die to our expectations, we die to our needs. we die to what we think we need.

only THEN can He surprise me (THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR SURPRISES) with true, unconditional, love. better, so much better, than i could have ever chosen.

AAAHH! 24

the angst that accompanies my 20's is more powerful, i think, than that which ruled my teenage years.

sometimes i'm reminded that it's never going to be like this again.

simultaneously, i think that's why i'm so attracted to older men.

andrew mabe

this is my new friend andrew. don't call him mabe. just don't. trust me.

i met him about 2 weeks ago and i'm seeing now he is an answer to a prayer i shouted to god while driving in my car.

i asked for a friend, a male friend, who is true. that is kind. of course intelligent and talented also so that i could see they all CAN go together.

and here he is. we can cuddle, we can talk about poo & farts. and about breast milk. his mom made his chocolate.

he opens the door for me and escorts me places. not all the time. just when he feels like it.

his fashion sense is impecable and his taste in music is refreshing. he knows his stuff and he doesn't care. he wants to know about me. and you. and that girl behind the counter making our drinks.

he likes chopsticks and he dreams of an asian, artistic woman with a brittish accent. his friends when he was growing up were god, music and himself.

now i'm the lucky one.

what you see is what you get

there is this strange obsession of which i am a victim, with the person that seems to be hiding something.

someone might call this mysterious.

i coming to find it ridiculous.

i used to really love it.

ooooohh...he's not saying much, he must be extremely intelligent and passionate.

his thoughts must be intriguing and unique.

she's dark & weird-she must be cool-she must be the one to reveal truth & be able to unveil the cry of my soul.

maybe they're not thinking anything interesting at all. and they're scared to death to let us know.

myself-i'm noticing, i am wired to say exactly what comes into my head (most times) without much editing. most of the time it's stupid and immature & reveals too much of how insecure i really am-or maybe how desperate i find myself being.

recently i've wanted to be mysterious.

i'm finding that i just can't pull it off.

black & white

i was graced with this picture from a friend of mine. it reminds me of how i love to take pictures & how i find myself constantly making excuses as to why i don't. my camera isn't cool enough. it doesn't have a zoom lense. it doesn't have enough megapixels. it's not a nikon. i don't go anywhere cool to take pictures.

i sometimes realize how sick i am of hearing my own excuses. sometimes i think my excuses are a part of me that i would be so afraid to let die. then i would be accountable for what i desire to do, but don't. i don't take pictures cuz i'm lazy and i'm sure that they will be lousy.

sensitive (cont.)

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

thank you jesus for loving me with this love. dang. you are different.

i want to know more about the love of my Father.

i don't know how to love that way. and it's not even about persecution all the time. it's even just about not getting what i want-or my way. it's about getting my feelings hurt & my heart breaking and finding it somewhere to keep loving. and it's also that it's not just about me.

i do want a different kind of love.

sensitive

i love hanging out with babies and children. i was holding my new baby neice, natalie, while swaying in a hammock, under a canopy of pine trees yesterday during the day of celebration of our independance and family.

and i realized that i love children so much because they're the real deal. their pretences have not been crafted, their posing capabilities have not been aquired. their defense mechanisms are not offensive.

they cry when they're sad, they laugh when they're happy, they whine when they don't get what they want. they sleep when they're tired. they seek hugs and kisses when they've been hurt.

i feel like i have been hurt a lot lately, by what people say, by what people don't say. by how people pose to be someone they are not, how they have the capability to say rude things, condisending and hurtful.

i am my mother's daughter. and i have only come to recently figure out how much i really am. she taught us from the womb that what comes out of a person's mouth, even how they say it, is very powerful, for good or bad.

and i realized that as i have boofed & said things that have hurt people's heart & self-image, i am more greived today for how powerful this really is. the things we say hold true, deep, life-changing power.

i feel misunderstood & judged and made fun of. it's weird for me. cuz it's a role i've never really had to fill. and as i was standing @ work this weekend, after having to deal with this guy & his bossy, rude attitude, i just about lost it. i just about said to God, 'ok God, i'm done. i'm done being kind, compassionate, understanding, watching what i say, trying to respect people & thier opinions. i'm done being nice & respectful. i'm done loving. i'm done caring. i'm giving in. i'm gonna do what they do. i'm going to build my walls high & wide. i'm gonna do what the world says is ok. because reality is, they are more powerful. and i feel more alone than ever in this pursuit of love.'

i miss my friend chanty today. she is shining example of unconditional love. i remember the day when i first met her. she was lit-up with life & love. she seriously caught my heart from the first interaction. she loves with her whole heart, her flesh, her bones, her hair, her eyes, her breath. she is my proof that loving hurts like hell & most of the time it's not returned. i remember when she proceeding to be shit on by stranger after stranger & i just didn't understand it. i thought, 'she's beautiful, she's alive, she has made me feel real & normal and worth really loving. how could anybody reject her & above all else treat her with anything less than total love & kindness & words that build her up.' i was angry & i didn't understand.

now i understand why she moved away from south carolina. now i understand why she cries more than most people & why she keeps on doing it over & over. loving, that is. loving strangers before they can prove her wrong.

she is in africa right now giving her life & her soul to even more strangers. she's learning and loving all the things that are unfimiliar to her, and i know she gets lonely. we write & we email occasionally but it's just not the same.

she may be one of the only people in my life that really understands the power of her words. she continues to teach me. maybe because her heart is soft like mine. she knows how much it hurts. she's a better person than me, though. she continues to put her heart on the chopping block. knowing that it will be scarred. i don't do this so easily. sometimes i think she'd rather die than not love with all she has.

i wish she was here to help me be strong. to help me know that it is good to love with all i have. that who i am is amazing & beautiful and worth respect, but i cannot always expect it. she makes me feel ok. i wish she could come home for just a little while so i could look into her beautiful, huge dark brown eyes, see her beautiful, huge white smile & squeeze her & stand & cry with her knowing that it's going to be ok.

i always call her my 'little chanty'-besides her being small in stature, she is the adult with the child's heart that i know i want to be. when i see her love i am reminded of jesus & the stories i read of his heart & his love & the crap he endured & how he could do nothing but continue to give & sacrifice his dignity & be obedient so far as to do what scared him the most. holy spirit, you are teaching me that i am a slave to being liked & understood. i am a slave to being affirmed & cared for with a love that most people have never seen or are too afraid to offer.