i'm so thankful for my family.

i think sometimes i really take them all for granted.
spent some time with them all sporadically yesterday & this weekend.
what i had forgotten was how totally free they all are.
free to be exactly who they are at that very moment.
emotions, struggles, excitement, fear, vulnerability.
our home has always been a place of refuge. a place of rest.
a place where i knew, from the first days i could remember, that i could ME-and that i would be heard & loved.
i've always had a shoulder to cry on, someone to take a nap with.

everything & anything has always been up for discussion.
we listen to eachother, allow eachother to challenge our thinking. they're gracious & patient.
they share in my excitement. they share in my confusion. they pray for me. they laugh with me.
my family can laugh...that deep, inaudible, crying, begging for mercy laugh.

i remember when we all used to fit in one car (i miss that)
and we'd be coming home from eating lunch-out on sunday afternoon & someone would say something remotely humorous, or perhaps totally nonsensical. 'i thought you said...kiss my ass!'
and we would all LAUGH OUT LOUD. uncontrollably. tears streaming.

we don't take eachother too seriously. we don't take life too seriously. but we are serious about loving eachother no matter what.

they're also very good at not letting me get away with thinking i'm perfect.

adriel is really smart-like the smart where she can pick-up a manual & teach herself how to put together anything. i mean anything. she's patient. she's humble & teachable. she apologizes & desires reconciliation. she's responsible & solid. she knows what she thinks & listens to what you think. she loves the unlovable. she's creative & can put on paper her life, her interactions, her thoughts, simply & poignantly. leaving you saying, 'YES! how does she do that so perfectly!?'. she asks questions & is unafraid at not knowing.

jescica exudes love & unconditional regard. she listens well. she wants others dreams to come into fruition. she sees things in people they don't see-and encourages them. she's obedient & focused. she laughs loud & hard & makes no apologies. she's got a black girl's blood-she will woop your butt in a dance contest. she's satisfied & thankful.

erich (dad) has more talent in his pinky finger than i have in my whole body. his creative capacity SCREAMS God. he is devoted & hard-working. he hears the Lord's encouraging voice & shares it with us. he's got a bit of a german temper. he loves his daughters. he's intuitive & sensitive. he's not afraid to disagree. he's not afraid of silence. he's teachable & kind. he's taught himself most everything he knows, when it comes to his profession. he shows love through provision, protection & hugs.

tami (mom) cares deeply for souls. she cries alot. her heart bleeds. she is creative. her calligraphy, paper-making, package wrapping, book making, is awe inspiring. she is patient & laid-back & forgiving. she's funny & appreciates humor. she is a great cook-just knows how to make something from nothing. she appreciates beauty & good music. she drinks good wine & loves to see new things/places. she has impeccable style. she can turn 5 items of clothing into 35 outfits. each one strikingly beautiful. she understands commitment. she hears God's broken heart. she hugs & kisses & expresses love-unconditionally. she loves the water. she loves the sun. she knows EVERYTIME when one of her daughters is hurting. we are hopeless in denying it. and she tends to us.

i love families because they're just a big ball of love, laughter, disappointment, dysfunction, memories, hopes, babies, shared meals, shared hearts.

lages-i love you.

so...my good friend (once best) and first love, is engaged.
this is the guy i was sure would never commit to any one woman-just take all the best from each one & leave them alone, wondering.
his dad is on his fourth wife. i know that's his biggest fear-that he'll end-up just like him.
he & i used to talk about marriage a lot. and about our future children.
when he loved the Lord, i couldn't think of anything i wanted more than to spend the rest of my life with him.
he felt like home.
i hope he can love this woman well.

but that chapter is closed now.
the chapter where i was:
'moving on' but silently & subconsciously waiting for him to turn back to God so we could get married and have GORGEOUS hippybabies and travel & speak Spanish & cook together & create together.

so i have to really move on now--which i think is really fun to think about.

i guess i've been being forced to start-over a lot lately. it's been refreshing & scary. but i look at my life even from a year ago & i see how much has changed.
and i'm so amazed. i'm so thankful.
i see things happening. hearts changing, right before my eyes. (including mine)
and i know the only reason for this is due to a forced letting go.
forced, because if i didn't-i would have lost my mind & my heart.

so thanks. to you, out there who pushed me to my edge. and forced me to step-out into the realm of 'out of control'
cuz the truth is **gasp** i am.

i get to help a friend in her garden this spring! basil & squash and dill, oh my!

my sister is thinking about law school--she may leave us :(

beck: mutations is still awesome.

i got to dance on friday, to friend's music. i'm good now for at least 6 months.

i heard a break-up story on sunday. i am SO THANKFUL i'm not having to deal with something like that right now. i'm always either too 'matter-of-fact' or emotional. even if it also means no love.

i may be going to california to see my favorite little asian! (she's had it with peace corp)

my good friend is moving to colorado to study design--now i have like 6 reasons to visit that state.

i'm not thrilled with reading leviticus & numbers. someone please remind me why it's good.

shared tears yesterday with a non-biological sister, about the struggles of school, stress. she was so beautiful. blonde bangs falling in her water-filled, bright blue eyes, smile on her face. oooooh i love her heart.

it IS better being partners with souls in the journey that is eternal.

i'm loving how natalie will just lay on my chest-arms strong, eyes wide-open & inquisitive--staring. totally intreagued with whatever pair of earrings i'm wearing.

heard a story of birth yesterday--from a midwife. it made me cry that cry that first makes you warm, and then just comes---like a release.

i'm realizing that my love for life sometimes scares me. my heart for deeply connecting with souls sometimes feels like it could kill me. 'she told me she wanted to eat-up my sadness'--lyrics from my favorite song right now.

what i'm listening to:

ashley cleaveland-(newest release) all hymns
ryan adams & the cardinals-rosebud
bloc party-this modern love
zero7-distractions
sting-ghost story
bruce cockburn-deep lake
black eyed peas-my humps
jemstate-honestly
jennifer knapp-peace
r.e.m.-try not to breathe
steely dan-aja
the sundays-god made me

there is absolutely nothing sweeter than honest fellowship.

i wonder how people survive without the Body of Christ. without a place to know you, your very specific gifts and talents are being used & valued. without a place to call home, wherever you are. be it in des moines, california, south carolina, new york, texas. and without a place where the last say is nobody in particular, but Abba Father, who loves us all more than we could eachother.

there is an immense amount of rest for me, in this. the rest (and the fun) comes in knowing that no one particular group is going to fill all my needs. thankfully. it creates my reliance even stronger upon the Lord.

i've been frustrated in the recent past with people who cannot see the glory that is in the Body. mostly other believers. mostly my age. the beauty that comes with committing to an imperfect group of people & seeing the Holy Spirit surprise us.

but then He reminds me of when that was me. and how it was a mixture of different feelings & strongholds that only He could clean-up.

i was afraid i wouldn't get my way
i was afraid i would have to change
i was afraid i would not be heard
i was afraid i would become boring & brainwashed
i was afraid i would commit to the wrong group
i was afraid i would have to be held accountable
i was afraid i would have to grow-up
i was afraid i wouldn't have any fun

and then one day, it just clicked. He made it click for me. i can't even say exactly what it was. maybe i was just tired of being tired & restless. and i longed to know people & them to know me.

i'm so thankful for the fellowship i call home (the one in dsm). they show me what devotion, obedience & surrender look like. most of the time it's just sharing eachother's lives & hearts. it's praying together, it's hoping together, it's wanting more of Him together.

while i've been blessed with an amazing family, this is THE family, i believe, He's always wanted for me. and for the first time, the thought of moving & 'exploring,' or adventure, while it's enticing, doesn't really appeal to me. i would go if i was led, but i don't have to. i'm not compelled to. that's a big deal for me.

granolas & organics can be real jacka#!es.
working at a local wholefood market i come across so many freakin arrogant people. this one guy yesterday waltzed in with his long hippy grey hair, down to his shoulders, rainjacket hat, dirty faded jeans (this isn't what made him unbearable) and then proceeded to comment on every item of clothing i was wearing & everything that came out of my mouth.

after i said 'yes sir, you can get fresh wheat grass juice back here in the deli' he's like, 'i notice you people here in iowa say sir quite a lot'.
huh? i said nothing.
he surveyed my outfit & said, 'huh, a wool blazer with jeans, that's different'
THEN he said something about my black boots--reminding him of elvis.
what?
elvis is sweet, but the way he said it was not meant as a compliment.
up until this point i was open to bantering...
but that's when this girl draws the line.
--you do not talk about my clothes that way. best keep your mouth shut.

(p.s. my outfit was sweet-thank you goodwill)

i was discussing this issue with a fellow co-worker & we think that maybe there is a higher expectation for healthy folks to be more happy.
myth debunked. it's not true.
the unfortunate deal is that most of our customers are old---(which can be good when you meet that old woman who LOVES us cuz we always have her organic bananas) but can also lend itself to a lot of ranting & specific bagging requests.
OH and of course a lecture on the legislation of whether or not pharmaceutical companies are going to take over the rights of distributing supplements. "If I had just TEN MINUTES I'd tell them....!!!'
write a letter. sign a petition. stop bitching about it.
especially to ME who agrees with you (minus the crazy business)

tomorrow the fam is celebrating e-rock's big F.I.V.E. he's all old & stuff. i miss him. i don't get to see him a whole lot.
oh-and natalie is growing like crazy. i guess she knows her toes & nose and all those very necessary things. i don't ever really get to see her either. i'm glad i'll be hanging with them tomorrow.
i will soon have pics linked-up so that you can see the progression of these beautiful creatures.

i'm getting used to being pursued. it's always been easier for me to do the pursuing.
thank you for being interested & opening your life to me.

------------

it's not about him falling short.
it's not about his arrogance.
it's not about his selfishness.
it's not about his immaturity.
it's not about the disappointment.

i sat in my car, heat blowing on my face-overcast-overwhelmed with sadness. tears streaming. hearing my Abba's heartbeat,

thu-thump//thu-thump//thu-thump..

'this is all i feel, those tears you can't control-those are mine.'
he doesn't even know how much he is missed.

so i totally rocked my muscle practical test last week.
which means i know where almost all the major muscles are on a cat (and can spell them)--
what was cool about it was i studied little-by-little until test day. novel concept, huh?
the fact that every single part of my anatomy class leaves me wanting more, helps.

so studied a little bit the morning of the test, over a cappucino & ben neill, then i drove to class, refusing to open my books//one last glance\i just prayed.
i did all i could do, i recited and memorized & i knew that to regergitate all the information in my brain i would need my helper-the Spirit.

'ok, Lord, you know i've studied this, you know this is a passion of mine-i believe you've given me this oppurtunity.
i pray that you be glorified through my success on this. i know you're with me! help me to rely on you.'

and what happened has never really happened in my entire school career.
i literally did not have to 'dig' for the answers. i looked @ the muscle, i looked @ the tissue slide, i knew them. all 70.

(praise God)

i'm a cooking machine these days! i made a coconut milk soup with jalapeno peppers and chicken for dinner tomorrow.
i'm putting it over brown rice & serving it with a salad. haven't decided what kind.
made oatmeal muffins & sauteed tempeh with soy, pineapple & red bell peppers for a snack.
i got a food processor from my grandma--via my sister jessica who just visited her.

God literally answered a prayer of mine:
'Lord, please, can you figure out a way to get me a food processor, seeing that it is the most amazing, useful kitchen utensil & you know i cannot afford it?'
it was just SITTING THERE after they left on sunday night.

i genuinely apologize to those of you who i've not fully listened to. also, to those of you who i've invalidated with all of my 'suggestions' or 'advice'. i was told that i do this to my father (on his birthday of all days) and it caused me a great deal of sadness. cuz i would never want someone to feel that way & i know know how it feels on the other end. ~~sorry~~

i have a friend right now whom it's really hard to be around. she's moody & unpredictable & pretty self-absorbed. and annoying. me, i, me, me. that's pretty much the way each sentence from her mouth starts. i really liked harping on her yesterday, throwing my frustration around, my disappointment (to my parents-thanks for listening guys).

then i had some time with some good friends & was filled-up with concern & fun & real-life, now. babies & giggles & diapers. talk of music & movies & fashion...heart stuff & recipes. anything's game.

then i saw my frustrating circumstance for what it really was-(and something i suffer from) is the need for attention. a crying-out. a lack of confidence.

i really like hanging out with people who are in different stages in their life then myself. being young & single & 'free to do whatever i/we want' lends itself to a lot of posturing & b.s.---cuz we only have to think about feeding ourselves & making sure we do enough laundry so that we have at least clean underwear (well, some of us)--

so the rest of our time *me being the most guilty of this* is spent analyzing things & putting energy towards stuff that's plain-old not eternal. i think my 2 greatest sins have always been 1)self-pity & 2)self-interest. we're gonna do both of these, it's our human nature, but as the years pass & the time, i feel, that is wasted on these 2 endeavors, the more i feel the lord giving me perspective, saying...

'just be thankful, this sends me into action.'

i like parents. i like grandparents. the things they think about seem a bit more meaty.

for lou

hey beauty- (that's what i think of when i see your face in my head)

i remember when you intimidated me. it was when i was unbearably insecure. your honesty, transparency & vulnerability is something the majority of humans cannot deal with. (i thought i was one of them) then, when God cracked me open, i had you there to look @ and learn from. all your guts & glory and beautiful disaster. absolutely NO SHAME my sister (in the fact that He is great when we are lacking)-the divinity in you brings healing & dancing.

LOVE
e