my dears

i miss iowa city in the fall. red brick and yellow leaves.

i really wanna talk to my friends sarah and chanty. one is in colorado, one is in africa.

found out lastnight that a dear friend of mine has found the love of his life. is going to ask her to marry him any day now.

i love when my nephew has chocolate on his face.

i'm going to make more time to make jewelry.

i need to wash my car & empty out the back seat.

i get to go camping this weekend.

i may be getting a tattoo.

still wondering why people ever choose to move to florida.

i am not nice when i wake up and it's cold in the air outside of my covers.

if i overspend my budget (which i have this month) i can feel it.

i'm starting to kinda get this 'faith' thing & it's freaking me out, the implications.

i've given up a struggle i've been holding onto for over 3 years.

one of the big secrets to weight loss & energy is water.

i've started watching t.v. again-the food channel most everytime.

very excited about my non-fiction short story discovery, 'kitchen sink'.

i cannot wait till i have my own yard & can have a big dog.

i'm overwhelmed with the compulsion to pray for my nephew e-rock.

i miss christine.

i don't think i like the new coldplay cd.

i might start taking french horn lessons again.

i think two of my favorite people are falling in love.

my friend wilson writes unbelievable poetry.

matt discovered sigur ros what seems like 100 years ago.

a complete stranger (fellow blogger) got engaged and for some reason i'm really happy for him.

i remember how beautiful my first cappucino was.

i remember i fell in love with corey dickmeyer to oasis.

i really love writing letters-would you leave your address so i can send you one?

thanks sweety

***********

words from a wise friend used to remind me that sometimes i'm just wrong.

meeting, courting, kissing, loving should come really really easy. a marriage takes work, a relationship can take some work, falling in love should be a snap.

***********

in my dreams

lastnight my dreams were so much fun.

inspired by the album 'post' by bjork. i guess it was this morning that i dreamt all of this-from 5:30 am to about 7.

car chases, rain, fire, train crashes. bjork at the wheel of a black cadillac escalade. red lipstick & black painted eyes. i was watching it from the sky and then from the passenger's seat.

i about died several times...rolling over medians, crashing through buildings. we kept on driving.

i woke up to my alarm finally and i pressed snooze several times-i wanted more.

tearing through lawns of an unnamed, over-cast suburbs. there were other 'non-threatening' drivers amungst us. almost as if they were in on it. a man with a beard, sharp dressed, dark sunglasses.

it was somewhat weird because through the whole thing i was never afraid. i knew that i may die, in fact there was a good chance. but for some reason it didn't bother me.

i would recommend, though, if you would like to actually get good sleep between 'snoozes' to NOT PUT anything in your alarm by her. trust me.

girl done got her hair did

well folks, i did it. followed through with the good-ol choppy chop.

kinda looks like that pic of pj to the left, a lot longer in the front.

have you ever felt a haircut to be so powerful to make you look the way you feel inside? i have no idea what that means other than that barbie, my tatooed, tri hair-colored stylist did a bang-up job.

YEE!! i feel like a girl again!

every day needs a little gospel music

yesterday was great. woke-up, got dressed and headed to church.
when i got there, i sat outside near the woods behind our building and admired all the cool things God made. as i looked down at my indian-style crossed legs and noticed the wildlife (BUGS) crawling on me i was slightly hesitant to praise His name.

but i did anyway.

i got baptised yesterday. can't believe i've dodged it this long. i'm pretty sure, though, that i haven't been dodging it-just waiting-till i was really ready.

it was amazing.

the water was cold. i mean like fill your bath full-o cold water and throw in a bucket of ice 'cold'. and it went up to my bellybutton. and i loved it. it made me wanna cry but it made it real. a man named tim who i've known my whole life did the honors. how many people can say that? i'm such a lucky lady.

i am extraordinarily blessed with a fellowship of believers i've known most my whole life. as i looked out into the crowd that was watching me, i saw so many familiar faces, so many second mothers, second fathers, best friends, soulmates, playmates, teachers. and the sound of my pastor's voice i'm starting to find home in.

after the refreshing dip i chatted with some new beautiful women to des moines. they're here in des moines to become D.O.s. we decided we were going to have to start having fun together. life is too short only to study & work.

talked with my friend wade. he is kind, funny, attentive and teachable. these things make him quite attractive.

drove home with my windows down & my long half-wet hair hangin out the window, blowin' in my face. listening to ivy. i think she's british or english. honestly, she rocks out. or her band does, whatever. she was made for sunny days driving.

got to the homestead and read the good Word out on the back porch in the sun..1 Timothy. um..hello...guess i've never read that thing the whole way through or when i did i wasn't prepared for it, but i'm not kidding at all, EVERY SINGLE passage was like an arrow. either causing conviction or pure giddiness. i wanna memorize the whole thing.

i got a bug to be inspired by great design and environmental consciousness and dug up one of my old 'dwell' magazines. for some reason i feel a bit more like myself when i'm able to see what the rest of the world is up to creatively. it inspires me, it gives me hope and it gets my 'makin stuff' juices flowing. dwell is based out of cali. that's probably a big part of the reason why i get stoked whenever it comes in the mail. like a piece of home dropping by to say 'hello!' mmmmm. yummy.

as i got diggin through that-my beautiful parents brought out to me my own dish from pf chang's. and i ate my moo goo gui pan (absolutely no idea how to spell that) with the gorgeous black & gold painted chopsticks brooke got me from japan. i think i was asian in my last life. i love thier culture.

after flipping through dwell for awhile i got the bug in me to go 2nd hand shopping. looking for used beads to make necklaces from. you got any? i'm always lookin. and let me tell you what--i struck an earring jackpot. most would look @ what i found and shudder. one of my favorite pairs is these big wood circles about the size of a silver dollar-painted bright blue. freakin amazing.

i saw a girl outside of goodwill who had black hair and her nose pierced. and she reminded me of me when i had mine pierced but then it fell out in the shower @ UNI. thinkin i'm gonna have to get me another one.

listened to led zepplin on this leg of the trip.

stopped by my sister's place and hung out with my new niece. she's four months on wednesday and she's talkin like crazy. she doesn't cry anymore when we change her diaper. she can lay on her back & her tummy. and can hold up her own head. i'm already ready for her to walk and say mommy. maybe cuz she's the longest baby in history. she's as tall as a toddler. i can't stop kissing her. she knows who i am and smiles when i talk to her. i think i'm her favorite.

after watching part of the emmys with my sis & bro-in-law i realized how much i could care less about tv stars, and i jaunted home. changed into my pjs and watched part of the 'live at bonaroo' dvd i scored at goodwill. $1.99. come on. who donated that? i love you. got to see some string cheese incident and bela fleck (unreal) and a little dirty dozen brass band and my eyes were a fadin'.

time for ni-night. 9:30ish. yes, i am old. or perhaps i know not much greatness can happen after 10 unless there are good friends, music and cooking involved. perhaps maybe bonfires also.

how was your sunday?

girls just wanna have fun

PLEASE!!!

i am in desperate need of some FUN in my life ya'll.

i need to be kidnapped and taken out dancing (except don't really kidnap me, give me a heads up cuz i wanna look fly~HOLLLAAA!!)

but seriously, people---

when has too much introspection and thoughts of the future reached it's tolerance threshold?

i think i've reached that place.

mama need me some mindless activity up in hrrrrr!!

who's with me?

K.C. ya'll

got to get away to the kansas city this weekend. man-so good for my soul. not that k.c. really has anything to offer me all by itself. but i realize that my eyes often need new things to look at. and often i need time to just strole in a city i don't know.

sometimes i really do think that the world i live in is the only one that exists.

i was surrounded by 15,000 jesus loving women for 2 days in one big building. it does something to you. i have no idea how to put that into words.

basically i rededicated my life to Christ. i saw this woman, beth moore, shake the cage of an irrelevant God and let Him speak what she calls a 'now word'. i decided that this oppurtunity to worship a God who speaks to us where we are NOW is a God worth spending my whole life getting to know.

and all the details just fade...

and that thing-death-she challenged us to figure out why we're so afraid of it. and what's the deal with all this fear? paul believed he'd already died. i think that would be a lot less stressful.

she challenged us to commit this following verse to memory-it's already shown itself useful. i think i might do this more.

the Lord God is my strength.
my personal bravery, my invinsible army.
he makes my feet like hinds' feet and makes me to walk
[not to stand still in terror, but to walk]
and make spiritual progress upon my high places
[of trouble, suffering & responsibility]

Habakkuk 3:19

musicians beware

i've discovered what my problem is:
i am inherently & probably through my wounded self, attracted to the exact kind of person that is horrible for me.

recently it's manifested itself in a musician. in the past it's been other extremely creative types.

i dated the theatre major. his drama was too much.
i dated the philanthropist-actually 2 of them who each had their own non-profit orgs. their obligation to save the world was exhausting.
i dated the writer. he was a freak. seriously. scared me.
i dated the chef. he was amazing but older with needs i would never go for.
and now i've dated the musician. i was blinded by his beauty.

but you see-it IS MY problem. it's not creative people that is the problem. it's me. i force it. i am attracted myself to the drama. i'm afraid of it being good. i don't trust it if it's easy. and frankly i get bored. and more often than not, the difficulty accompanies a creative spirit.

it's sick. i know. i need prayer.

i'm still such a child.

part of the problem is that i am attracted to the right kind of men-in fleating moments-but for some reason, maybe the big man upstairs knows this dysfunction hasn't totally worked itself out of my system.

or maybe-as a wise woman told me-i just haven't met him yet. it will just come together then.

this was the response from a wise friend when i asked what's the deal with boys wanting to be a sort of 'savior' for the girls they want to love. some lyrics from a ryan adams song (see below) sparked my interest:

I thought maybe I could be some kind of shelter
But oh, your storm how it raged
You know your kisses, they were like lightnin' and thunder
And your smile is sweet and come down like rain

here she goes:
------
Yeah I just don't get that stuff. So much drama. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I never was attracted to those kind of intense relationships where there's all kinds of tumult going on. But now I see them as kind of immature, and having to create drama where there is none, and relying on the passion from that drama to sustain a relationship. Because when you come right down to it, life, and love, can get boring, and some people are not okay with that.
------

i'm going to make a sign and nail it to my door:

'NO DRAMA ALLOWED' (get it-instead of boys)

i understand the god given desire to protect & defend. and maybe i'm just slightly confused because no one i've wanted has tried to rescue me yet.

these things i'm not sure of yet.

hey

this is my next hair do

waking life

i've been having a reacurring dream lately about mobs of people gathering in wide-open fields, singing.

also a vision of a million car pile-up...one stacked half-way ontop of another...

and while listening to a live band 'the autumn project' at the mews on wednesday night--a strong electric guitar, synthesized backrgound and deafening drums, i was overwhelmed with pictures of these people's lives-the black and blue of their pasts & the glimpses of light that they grab ahold of.

so i'm somewhat caught in the middle of waking and dreaming. and i'm wondering if that's where He wants to keep me.

it makes me feel somewhat crazy. it makes me feel off-balance. it reinforces that this world is passing. but mostly it scares me.

and then again, for some reason, it doesn't.