joy

i'm using the great idea my friend had to share with you what makes me happy-in no particular order-here goes:

1. sleeping with a cat wrapped around my head
2. my whole body underwater
3. wine drank by water
4. old trucks that smell like sawdust
5. sun reflecting off water
6. second-hand stores in san fransisco
7. sleeping with the sun peaking through the blinds
8. bald men (shaven or natural)
9. when a baby sucks on my chin
10. driving towards the sun w/o sunglasses on
11. that dance bass & electric guitar players do-the bending knees while swinging back & forth & occasionally a slight headbang dance.
12. my feet in natural bodies of water-
13. asian/american boys
14. tattoos
15. when my nephew takes his little hands and grabs my face and clenches his teeth as though he's getting ready to bite my nose off but instead lays on a big one.
16. eating oranges and drinking yerba mate in san luis obispo
17. driving past vineyards
18. mint & chocolate
19. zanzibar's chai tea
20. wondering what zanzibar's baristas do in their free time
21. greenwood park-hiking up to the top of the hill & sitting & watching people
22. reading brennen manning books
23. listening to billy graham preach
24. being in the meggison's home
25. 'the barefoot contessa' on the food channel
26. iowa city's ped mall
27. when leaves turn from green to yellow to red to brown
28. highway 1
29. listening to chanty talk to her family over the phone in chinese & cambodian
30. finding the perfect combination of beads for a necklace
31. jewelry @ goodwill
32. one-piece swimming suits
33. big hats
34. wind-blown/air-dried hair
35. confession
36. reconciliation
37. a massage from jason auer-sears
38. spanish
39. communal living
40. skaters
41. bikers
42. construction workers
43. the book of acts
44. people without cell phones
45. reading glasses
46. piercings
47. hand-whipped whipped cream
48. humble men
49. espresso over ice with a tiny bit of cream
50. the room on the second floor where all you can see when you look out is the tops of the trees
49. californians on the bart
48. reading books to kids

mk. more later. i couldn't stop @ 50...it's kinda like how i can't set my alarm for an even number.

*muwah*

what are some of yours?

ms. sensitive

i'm learning that maybe our feelings get hurt so that we can confront, be affirmed, and walk-on even more deeply connected.

i love him with a pure love and my heart aches for the nothingness he may be living in but i do know that he is a distraction.

geez. i bet we are distractions, in all our clumsiness to the one who is perfect.

every day i have to beg to know how to love.

i just think the picture is pretty

so i was on my way to work tuesday, driving east down grand avenue towards my parking ramp on 5th street.

and i was stopped at about 7th at a red light. and to my right, on the corner, there was an older man in a suit with a briefcase. he was grey-haired, with a belly, a nice watch and shiny black shoes. he was also carrying a walking stick. he was blind. he was standing on the corner waiting for our light to turn green. but of course he couldn't 'see' the green light.

he was at the mercy of the sound of cars moving east in the direction he needed to go. and once he heard our motors revving and tires hitting the pavement, he too, began moving across the street.

i've seen blind men and women downtown cross the street many times, with ease, sure that they'd reach the other side unscathed. but for some reason, that morning, i was amazed at this man's faith, confidence and lack of fear.

"If I speak with the tongues of Reformers and of professional theologians, and I have not personal faith in Christ, my theology is nothing but the noisy beating of a snare drum. And if I have analytic powers and the gift of creating coherent conceptual systems of theology, so as to remove liberal objections, and have not personal hope in God, I am nothing. And if I give myself to resolving the debate between supra and infralapsarianism, and to defending inerrancy, and to learning the Westminister Catechism, yea, even the larger one, so as to recite it by heart backwards and forwards, and have not love, I have gained nothing."

-----Kevin J. Vanhoozer, from "First Theology: God, Scripture & Hermeneutics"

i copied this from a stranger's blog (not a total stranger now)-he's from california. his name is pappy. his stuff makes me think. check him out.
<-------he's over there in the links.

waazup doc!?

Chemotherapy drugs affect both cancerous cells and normal cells, particularly hair follicles, the lining of the digestive tract, and cells that make blood. Because of this, the side effects of chemotherapy may include hair loss, diarrhea, nausea or vomiting, mouth sores, tiredness, and increased risk of infection.

i'm still amazed at how many people still believe that the traditional medicine world has the right answers.

aren't these symptoms what we're trying to prevent and get rid of? it just plain does not make any sense.

as i learn more about how our bodies are made, how they function, what it takes for them to heal themselves, and that in fact they were created to heal themselves, how our creator had it all figured out--i'm amazed--and i am confused as to why so many millions of people still believe what the old system says is the right answer.

i'm sure it's because they haven't had the chance to learn any different. and i can't hold that against them. i remember when i thought antibiotics were the answer.

i'm pretty sure i've found my passion. to educate myself first and then anyone that will listen to how simple it is to be healthy. not just feel 'ok' but to thrive-from the inside out.

5 hours of bliss

i had the best day yesterday-wanna hear about it?



1) for lunch i got an iced tea and a chocolate-chunck cookie and walked through the garden/grassy null in nolan plaza barefoot. took a nap on a bench by the fountains.

2) got off work & got my hair cut by my cousin. he has an aveda salon. it smells nice, is designed with maple wood and he cuts me a deal. pun intended. we talked about family and his travel through the country in his big black motorhome.

3) went to mondo's and ordered myself a glass of chardonnay and my favorite salad, rice and black bean. it's big. i usually eat everything but the cheese. lemon caper vinegarette. i brainstormed about my future at the table by myself. people watched.

4) drove to the urbandale library and picked up some books on optimal health, anatomy, a book on why the chinese have a lot to teach us about health, and pilates. they had a great selection of CDs. i barrowed jeff buckley (mine has disappeared), toad the wet sprocket and chemical brothers.

listened to chemical brothers with the windows down on my drive towards the sunset.

5) at the end of the road (university) in waukee, there is a benadictine church with a gigantic plot of land behind it...with no one there. i blasted jeff buckley out my car windows and sat in the grass & read. i also danced, prayed, did cartwheels, laid on the carpet-like tufts as though i was doing snow angels, danced some more, cried, and left anew.

6) got some sorbet on the way home-strawberry

7) ate sorbet & read about anatomy & physiology & the wisdom of dr. weil till i fell asleep.

we cool?

...so keillor isn't doing any harm for people like my sister who will never read the book anyway. He's not harming anyone, really, except snobs like me who do hold poetry/art at a higher standard and want to keep good art a secret and an announcement at the same time because it makes us tick. It's the band we still want to see in the dive bar but tell all of our friends about.

so i've realized that i've fallen prey to this like since i was in 7th grade. trying hard to keep all the cool things i discover to myself, yet making sure everyone knows it was me that found them. errgh.

i admit it. i want to be cool. i want to be hip. but there's always someone moreso.

a guy friend of mine told me that he never tells anyone when his birthday is cuz he doesn't like the big deal people make of such an insignificant holiday.

c.s. lewis is a smart man

i see now how badly i screwed up and how i didn't know any better.

i have been listening to c.s. lewis' 'the four loves' on CD these last couple days...on the drives between lightedge, starbucks, babysitting, and the ocassional time where i get to go somewhere I want to go-like zanzibar's or moffit lake.

what i'm learning is that not only have i been loving for the wrong reasons, but i've been mixing-up my loves. and actually, the physical, which i've put almost all my emphasis on, is really not a love at all. but something that is a natural progression of some of these loves, not to be given as much power as i have been giving it.

storge-the mother to child love, the natural love, the one that can be compromised by jealousy, but feels like home, and can make one feel like they are in solitude alongside someone-has come easy to me. i find this not only in my family but have in several friends.

philos-the friendship love, is unique. he explains it as a love that unites people from where they are, where they have a common goal. where lovers are pictured looking @ eachother, friends are pictured looking at the same thing, outside of one another. a common interest, a similar personality.

eros-the love of lovers. where he mentions beloved quite a bit and where most people think this is where the 'sexual' love resides (venus), he says that is a bi-product of the desire of the beloved whether or not the physical satisfaction is something that could be highly praised. this love he spoke of in more pure terms than i had heard in quite a while. and he referred, in the context of marriage, to the bride and bridegroom, the church and christ. and redefines that devotion picture-devotion to imperfect, inherently unlovable.

agape-i haven't gotten to this yet. i'll keep you posted. obviously divine love-the love exemplified in God.

i see how immature my actions have been. how hasty i have been to cultivate eros and mistakingly experiencing venus without philos or storge. lewis even makes point that it is childish thinking to assume that 'love' will immediately find it's home in eros without passing through the other two, or at least one of them first. and that most definately the physical love that i easily weigh so heavily is really not as important as i may like to think.

he refered to the satisfaction of this desire by relating it to a man's desire for cigarretes or wine. once the cigarretes are smoked, most definately the cardboard pack is thrown out and once the wine drunk, the bottle put in the trash.

that the satisfaction of this desire is just that, and really has nothing at all to do with love.

the remarks of a poet suffering from a family member who may never 'get' it

'She'll buy five-page hallmark cards and think it's beautiful poetry until I'm dead and then place one on my grave.'

what's your familial disconnect?

thank you alanis

how bout getting off of these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout greiving it all one at a time

...chorus...

the moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence yeah yeah
whooa whooa whooa...

i remember thinking in 7th grade, that with much passion, i understood what she was talking about.

i had no idea.

jeff buckley: beauty & depression

when i listen to jeff buckley i am reminded of the me that found my home in sadness, sorrow and deep self-pity.

when i listen to jeff buckley i'm amazed at the ability God has to infuse one man with such astounding talent, passion, soul-shaking desperation and beauty.

his music paints pictures, and when i hear him weep as he sings i am reminded of the times when my soul hurt so badly that to drown it somehow would have been paradise for me.

i guess you could say i've changed. i think that i needed to live that time of my life to know what it meant to swim in darkness without hope of breath.

but hope is just what i have found-and sometimes i'm tempted to go back, there are days i miss the excruciating pain. like i'm missing out on something.

but i see now how real pain happens outside of me creating it-life, in fact, happens. relationships fall apart, family members hurt eachother, people's parents die, people get discouraged, peoples dreams don't happen. people get diseases, people go bankrupt, people get divorced. people's loved ones get killed in car accidents...

and i guess all i'm left with is: joy is an ok thing to feel. peace is also an ok thing. the season of deep introspection may have passed-only to return at a later date. but i guess when i was finally able to see the beauty that is outside of me...and how it's redemptive-i really don't wanna go back.

mike wolfe-a great guy from high school had this revelation several years before me. i saw him in borders book store and he was pickin up some cds. keep in mind this was the introspective, deep-thinking, intellectual, fun, but not too vulnerable kind of guy. he was pickin up a st. germain disc, some jazz fusion and a little rolling stones.

he said something i've never forgotten-at a wise 22 years old, 'i'm done with all that depressing shit-there's so much good stuff out there that actually inspires me.'

they say love hurts

love won't play any games with you
anymore if you don't want it to

ryan adams


i'm starting to understand what it means to have false idols. and what if one of these idols is romantic love?

i have a friend who is involved in an abusive relationship. she lives with a 26 year-old boy (notice-not a man) that hits her, chokes her and threatens her life. he controls her money, spends her money, never does anything nice for her.

she had to call the cops on him lastnight because she was afraid for her life. she was afraid for her life and this wasn't the first time.

we talk all day about it-many days, how he doesn't deserve her, how she's tired of this life, how she's not sure God wants anything better for her.

despite all this, my friend is considering going back to him. she loves him. she believes he can change. she has hope for this.

these words, of course, immediately cause me anger that sprouts from compassion, sadness, pity for her, for her heart. but at the same time-God puts a mirror in front of my face and shows me how i have had a history of being just as dysfunctional. disbelieving His desire for my love journey just as much as my friend.

i have subjected myself to a different kind of abuse. one of hurtful words, lack of maturity, wanting men who were still boys, looking for my confidence and fulfillment in the eyes of men. boys who didn't love me with the love that flows from the Spirit of Truth.

all for the fear of being alone.

the old me would pray for my friend, that she would wake-up and realize that she was being foolish and the old me would call her crazy that she won't just leave him.

but i see now. i see how desperate our hearts are when we don't believe God and when we don't believe what He says about us as women. that we are beloved. that He wants us to know the truth about ourselves-the one that comes from communing with our creator. that our hearts are to be treasured and treated with kind, encouraging, life-breathing words. and what happens when we aren't healed from our pasts.

we find home in what we've always had. and for a lot of us, it's not God's best.

so i pray not only for sara, not only for myself, but for all women. that we be set free from the addiction that our world loves to make us believe will be our salvation.

outrageous

it has been a very long time since i have used the word outrageous-but i am now going to use it to describe the new beck album. 'guero' is outrageous.
that man's mind & ideas and lyrics and compositions amaze me. genius.

mr. friedrich & my future

this morning i stopped at a local coffee shope to pick myself up a cup of coffee--partially because this coffee shop not only serves great, rich, drip coffee, but a pecan roll that blows my mind.

this local coffee shop has these cute little quotes on the side of their recycled cups-hypothetically from people who may frequent Friedrich's. one quote is from a nature guy, one a business guy, the other, maybe an artist-can't remember. but the ONE cup I always end up with is the 'soccer mom' cup.

this morning I dredfully looked down @ my psuedo-styrofoam cup, once i got situated in my car & mourned the fact that i AGAIN got the soccer mom cup. what does this mean? it's literally been EVERY TIME--like probably a dozen times in the last 2 months.

is this my destiny?

is mr. friedrich trying to prepare me for something?

'My name is Connie.
I'm a Soccer Mom.
I'm up early. Dew and Dawn are my companions.
The morning is mine.
The world and the observer are fresh...cleansed by the night.
I'm at my best.
My mind is clear.
My '#1 MOM mug'...full.
Now is when I realize,
I truely deserve this moment with Friedrichs'