today i finally filed my tax return. bring on the cashola!

i am the luckiest girl in the world. i never thought i'd be the one to be in a relationship with someone who REALLY understands he can't be everything for me. he can't 'fix it'. jeremy's reliance on God's comfort and strength for me is hands-down the most attractive thing about him.

we are still trying our best to keep our focus on getting to know eachother & not making-out all the time. i have to tell you, because i am an affecionate person, it's the hardest thing i'll ever do...but it's what i've always wanted. i've always had a deep-rooted fear of being loved for all the wrong reasons. all those lies fade when he and i are able to sit in the coffee shop, talk about distilling and underground homes, music and designs for t-shirts. he is my best friend. we laugh a lot (when i'm not freaking out).

he is the funniest person i know.
his heart for the lost and broken beats hard and fast & it wells-up in his eyes, always when i least expect it.
he reminds me of the things that really matter.
he has the mind of Christ-he has a sense of the truth & loves all the time.
he desires to do good.
he loves his family deeply and unconditionally.
he has a gift for discerning light from dark.
he is a natural warrior-knows there is something worth fighting for.

we met a homeless man lastnight, named les. j. started asking him questions about himself, rather than throwing money at him or ignoring him. turns out les is a paranoid schizophrenic. les has a family, children, grandchildren, that he never sees. he's too embarrassed. les takes meds for his disorder but they leave him shaking and unable to work until about 6pm every day. so he goes and collects cans and bottles...whatever he can find. les doesn't drink or do drugs. he was the most kind man. he had bright eyes. dirty from digging in dumpsters. les needs $6 a day to pay for a place at bethel mission. he refuses to beg for his money. les saw j.'s tatoo and once he figured it out, he told us he was a christian. i just sat there, slowly becoming filled with grief and helplessness. i wanted to ask him if we could pray with him. i always get so nervous. i believed the lie that it wouldn't make a difference. les, after about 15 minutes of talking with us, started to experience a fit of paranoia and needed to leave. j. gave him all he had in his wallet. as he walked away, i turned to j. and without any words, started to cry. he held me, there in the beer garden outside of the royal mile and prayed for les. he interceded on his behalf. he asked for reconciliation and for healing for his body. he and i cried for the life this man lives.

i told him there is nothing more beautiful to me than a man who knows his own strength and calls on the Lord for His. this is an eternal gift. no money or good intention will heal anyone's life. only the Spirit of the Living God. i felt it following les as j. offered all he had.

had a bit of a panic attack the other day, due to money, of course. but then i asked for peace and it was given to me. i woke-up happy which hasn't happened for months. believe that He gives you peace. He wants to.

i don't know much of anything anymore. it makes me take a step, a day at a time. i love being suprised on a daily basis. Lord, i confess my need to control. YOU DO IT BETTER. thank you for doing your thing despite me & holding onto me tightly during it all.

my favorite things right now:
1-holding j.'s hand
2-natalie's grunt when she's walking..how she laughs at herself
3-the way catherine humms before she kisses you. (she's a great kisser)
4-erich's brown skin
5-the siestas my neighbors have outside our apartment. spanish music, corona and conversation
6-kombucha
7-the breeze that blows through my kitchen around 8:30 every night